Some of you probably remember that I have extremely strong associations/ mental contamination issues, and that my dog and a particular counselor (linked strongly to someone in my past) are the only post-college beings I’ve emotionally connected with since I left for college (i.e. since 2001). Here is the post I’ve already written on this topic: CLICK HERE.
So I noticed something a while back that is pretty astounding. “Peter” actually reminded me so strongly of someone pre-college, that I was able to connect emotionally. That’s the third living being I’ve connected with since 2001, and the second human. He’s linked in my head as feeling “pure” / “untainted”. Even when I’ve talked about some really bad things with him, I felt nothing slip.
I haven’t told you guys but he was actually able to come on part of the bicycling trip with me and my parents and family friends. My brother and his gf were also there for a day. I got used to “Peter”‘s daily company in that brief time and I cried ridiculously when he had to leave at 4a one morning for France (work conference). I didn’t tell him that. I did write to him something heartfelt but I’m trying hard not to be overwhelming.
But what will be, will be. “Peter” is important to me and that’s nothing I can/will hide. I hope for the best but I’m not going to get sucked in, no matter what my obsessive tendencies try to convince me to do. My heart is in a position to be hurt and that’s just what it is. If this pans out, great. And if not, I’ll be back to meeting new people, complete with more memories of positive times and the knowledge that I do actually have the ability to feel connected to a new human and a bit of lingering sorrow for something that could almost have worked out but didn’t.
In the meanwhile, I’ll continue to enforce time boundaries of how many days a week I will see any particular person, and I’ll continue/begin again to find my upcoming schooling and apartment. I have to make these decisions with the mental image of me living without him in my life. I have to set up my life for complete independence. I cannot repeat past mistakes. And he very well might not be a part of my future. I have to plan my life that way. I must expect it. In reality, either of us could decide the other is not what we’re looking for at any point. It’ll just be.