Log: Apr 30 (Thu) and Random List

Apr 30 (Thu): Work 10:0a – 5:30p, Film Festival w/”Peter”

It’s funny that I thought yesterday was the 30th all day. I thought today was the start of May — hence my hurry to bring food for lunch today.

But, I succeeded and did not spend any money on lunch today. THANK. GAWD.

“Peter” had the thought that some of my blood sugar issues are likely related to my lack of making myself eat lunch at a regular time. There are days when I don’t eat lunch until 3 or 4p, for example. So even though I’ve nibbled on some snacks in the meanwhile, it has probably been making things worse that I’ve been putting off lunch for so many hours. I’m going to be more careful about that now, just in case. I even have a daily alarm set for it.

I’ve been productive at work today as far as helping out with the meeting and running some errands for the people involved. When I got lunch for everybody, the restaurant wasn’t answering their telephone, so I placed the order in person and sat in the sun, reading a book, for 30 minutes as the order got made. It was wonderful outside.

Now I feel compelled to make a list, although the content of the upcoming list is unknown to me as of yet. I just feel scattered and like making a list would help me to organize my thoughts.


  • Items to purchase, personal and work
  • Schools to look up, or apply for the college that is a bit distant
  • Look up apartments for summer
  • My pony. WTF to do with my pony. How can I afford to bring my pony down here, when I am considering schooling and apartments. How can I find a location for her and be able to get to her at least 3x per week. Do I want to add those allergies back into my life?
  • My interest in horses has been returning. Not that it ever went away, but a lot of my interests were on mute when I first came here after my divorce
  • Even so, there are cheaper ways to get my horse fix than by owning one myself
  • Selling her is SO complicated because of my purchase contract (previous owner has first dibs on buy back, but that is a LONG, LONG and depressing story, RIP Ree ❤ )
  • Complicated.
  • Books to read. I’m in the middle of two different Miss Manners books (because one is here at work and I started it during lunch today, and the other I left at “Peter’s” place for the moment). I’m also in the middle of my super interesting audiobook titled, “How We Decide”. Fascinating information. I am SO glad I’m reading it.
  • Many movies on my “to watch someday” list. Some music, too. Some television shows, too. Not sure this could all ever happen; I’m rarely, rarely in front of a TV/video screen.

Will add on later, as it strikes me. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 4-5


OCD: Contamination: RED ALERT!!!!!

Red Alert!

Red Alert!

Red Alert!!!! All hands to battle stations!!! Haaaaaaaalp!!!!!

My bf didn’t wash his hands after he used the toilet. Haaaaaaaalp!!!!!

Evasive maneuvers! Prepare to evacuate the ship!!!


I knew I’d learn dirt on him eventually, but did it have to be something so drastically awful?! How does one live with this, if they live with this?

My ex wouldn’t wash after peeing. I talked with him about it. So he started to wash after peeing… so long as he thought I was watching. Haha, yeah. It grossed me out. I’d make him wash before he could touch me sometimes. But if that experience is Truth for all humans, then I cannot expect current bf to change assumedly lifelong habits. I live with it or I don’t.

OCD contamination: You know that as soon as the infatuation stage wears off for me, Every. Single. Touchable. Spot. in his apartment will feel Contaminated to me. Everything. I’m still quite convinced he got raw chicken juice on the dish towel last night, so I’m avoiding it until it gets washed.

But I’m still in the infatuation stage of this relationship and I really, really like him. So I just don’t want to care about such things.

FOOD, looking at blood sugar

I’m eating too much. I’m eating too expensively. My blood sugar is crashing during the night. I never know where/when/how my next meal will be, so I’m hoarding snacks (not blood-sugar-friendly ones) and eating out like crazy. This will stop as of tomorrow, which means it has to begin tonight. So here come really random lists to help me organize my brain and thoughts:


I’m reading online about blood sugar control. Apparently, carbs matter a lot. I guess that makes sense, since carbohydrates break down into glucose. I’ve never given carbs a second thought before. I’ll need to learn more about them and tracking them down and balancing how many I eat. I have been having too many blood sugar issues lately. It must stop.

Here’s a quote from diabetesforecast.org “That said, if you haven’t figured out your individual plan yet, the general guideline for most adults with diabetes is 45 to 60 grams of carbohydrate per meal, which is three to four carbohydrate choices. A snack would be around 15 to 30 grams of carbs, or one to two choices. That’s just a starting point, however. Your total carb allowance should meet your energy needs, blood glucose targets, and weight management goals.”


Fill 1/2 of your plate with non-starchy vegetables.

What are non-starchy vegetables? From diabetes.org (and I’ll bold ones that I like):

  • Amaranth or Chinese spinach
  • Artichoke
  • Artichoke hearts
  • Asparagus
  • Baby corn
  • Bamboo shoots
  • Beans (green, wax, Italian)
  • Bean sprouts
  • Beets
  • Brussels sprouts
  • Broccoli
  • Cabbage (green, bok choy, Chinese)
  • Carrots
  • Cauliflower
  • Celery
  • Chayote
  • Coleslaw (packaged, no dressing)
  • Cucumber
  • Daikon
  • Eggplant
  • Greens (collard, kale, mustard, turnip)
  • Hearts of palm
  • Jicama
  • Kohlrabi
  • Leeks
  • Mushrooms
  • Okra
  • Onions
  • Pea pods
  • Peppers
  • Radishes
  • Rutabaga
  • Salad greens (chicory, endive, escarole, lettuce, romaine, spinach, arugula, radicchio, watercress)
  • Sprouts
  • Squash (cushaw, summer, crookneck, spaghetti, zucchini)
  • Sugar snap peas
  • Swiss chard
  • Tomato
  • Turnips
  • Water chestnuts
  • Yard-long beans

It happens that I like non-starchy vegetables. This is important information. Tonight is my first meal-planning night. What will I do?

I never thought I would be someone who counts carbs. But I’m damn well sure going to start. I am sick of getting suddenly weak and shaking. I’m sick of waking up drenched in sweat. I’m sick of getting scared between meals and obsessing over what the future meal will hold. This has to stop now and the only way is if I take control of this myself. I can’t rely on anybody else.

If I go to “Peter”‘s: I will eat carrots, green beans, probably chicken or pork chop (not cooked by me). I could also do brussels sprouts.
If I go home: I will eat lettuce, green beans, tofu burger. I should get a tomato and an onion for it. I could theoretically make some quinoa; I already own a dry bag of it.

Log: Apr 29 (Wed) –got a bit stressed today

Apr 29 (Wed): Work 10:00a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly 1p, Go to beach w/ “Peter” 6:40p, Grocery shopping and make food w/ “Peter” 6:30p

The elusive cat

This cat is very shy of me still. He’s come close to me a couple of times. In this photo, he was being quite brave.

Today, “Peter” and I got up around 7:30a to prepare for the day. I needed to be at work by a certain time for a pick-up. So we got ready for the day and enjoyed another amazing home-cooked breakfast (not as elaborate as yesterday, but still amazing to me): I made scrambled eggs, and he made the tea, my non-dairy yogurt with homemade red plum jam swirled into it, and an avocado that I had bought the day before.

We parted ways and I got to work on time. I didn’t have any tasks first thing this morning, so I ended up vacuuming the whole office (it took me 45 minutes and the dust canister was pretty full afterward, so it’s a good thing I did). I also put away the clean dishes, washed the few dirty ones that were in the sink, scrubbed the sink and the counters, and made the coffee. I took the garbage out last night so that was already done. It’s satisfying to do hands-on tasks like that.

I later learned that the pickup had been taken care of by a different coworker earlier in the morning, so although my timely arrival turned out to be non-mandatory after all, I’m glad I was here earlier. I would like to get to work even earlier than this in the future. I’d like to always be here by 9:30a but I’m usually closer to 10:30a or even 11a.

Work has been productive (although now I am at a point where I’m out of tasks; there is a spreadsheet I’ll need to input data into on the horizon but hasn’t been given to me yet). AND I met Shelly for lunch at my favorite nearby restaurant, and that was fun. She gave me some brilliant ideas for my upcoming goal (bring homemade lunches to work for ALL OF MAY). Which leads me to what I really want to discuss: FOOD!!!!!

I’m cutting this and will begin my food discussion as its own post.

***UPDATE*** I am now EXTREMELY anxious. I have not told my uncle that I won’t be home tonight. I wasn’t home last night. And my plan is to not be home tomorrow night, either. I’m super duper anxious. I’ll be leaving soon for “Peter”‘s city, theoretically. I feel like canceling. What if my uncle has been looking forward to seeing me? That’s one anxiety. What if what if what if. A lot of the anxiety is stemming from the fact that I’m breaking my own rule. See, originally, TODAY was when I was headed to “Peter’s” city. We were going to see another of the films of the festival. Only that plan has been cancelled. Music Night was added last night. And instead there is a plan for tonight for heading to the beach. But tomorrow is another film. I have nothing against staying over there three nights in a row. There are no negatives for me, only positives. However, it’s a break in my rules and I’m finding myself very disturbed.

Maybe I should cancel and go home? At home, I would make the food for tonight and leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch. At “Peter’s”, we would assumedly be making the food and then going to the beach? No, there is not time for both. That could be adding to the anxiety. It doesn’t add up, does it. How can I get there by 6:45p, shop for some groceries, make food for tonight and tomorrow (7:15 have shopped, 8:30 have cooked?). Yeah, the numbers don’t add up. Shit.

Okay, I just wrote him, along with my meal plan. Carrots, green beans, brussels sprouts, probably chicken, maybe quinoa. He thinks it sounds delicious. I’m still super anxious, so it’s mostly worry about my uncle that’s eating me alive on the inside right now. *DEEP BREATH* I have to write him. | Okay, I have now written to and heard back from my uncle, and all’s well.

***UPDATE X2*** So the evening actually got a bit stressful! First of all, it was wonderful. We went grocery shopping and I wasn’t thinking clearly but managed to pick up some random ingredients. My recipes weren’t going to work because some of the ingredients didn’t look very good in the store, so I got other, random vegetables and such. I got some super fucking exciting news but I don’t know if I’m ready to share it online yet.

Cooking went all right but ran very long because I was so ill-prepared, had been unable to pull together any sort of plan, and depended on “Peter” for way too much of the executive functioning thinking stuff. I got overwhelmed. I should, next time, only offer to be responsible for a single side-dish. Start smaller.

It ran very late. “Peter” was cooking a chicken in the oven but it ran much longer than he expected. I was exhausted. At some point, I did make myself 2 PBJs to bring for lunch today (and an orange). And I have some rice cakes at the work place, and work has peanut butter, so I can make something edible out of that if I get hungry. Anyway, something stressed me that I did but hadn’t meant to do (too long to explain). So I felt really stressed. I even played a song off my phone then, to help ground me (“Stay With My Brother” by The Botticellis). I played it really quietly for myself, three times through and then was calmer and “Peter” started to play piano for a bit.

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

We went to bed. Everything was good. I slept like a rock until “Peter” got up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen, where I then heard his roommate. They were there for a while. I wanted to care and I also wanted to sleep, so I didn’t get up. Eventually, I heard his roommate say something in a somewhat upset voice about there being no fire detector in the fucking apartment and something or other, and then he left. I didn’t hear anything else said.

So I finally asked what had happened. It turns out that “Peter” had left a pot of water with chicken bones on the stove, boiling it for a broth, and all of the water had evaporated (I didn’t know there was something boiling on the stove or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep). So his roommate had smelled something and investigated, and the kitchen was full of smoke. And there were no fire alarms or detectors. So that is very unsafe!!!!! I think his roommate is going to contact the landlord about it today.

“Peter” was upset because his roommate was upset and because it was his mistake, and they hadn’t really gotten to discuss it before his roommate left to sleep at his workplace for the night. I wasn’t upset because I was too tired to be upset. So we had the windows open and fan running, trying to get the smoke and smell out. He was scrubbing the burned pot. We took a journey to bring the compost down to the building’s compost area. I never looked at a clock; it’s easier for me to feel rested if I’m unaware of the time in the middle of the night.

Eventually, we went back to sleep. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3-5-7  (3 from the sudden, intense anxiety before I left work; 7 was only for a short while, after I heard such majorly exciting news)

Log: Apr 28 (Tue) And thoughts on getting into shape

Apr 28 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Visit with Shelly either for lunch or after work (RAIN CHECK), Music Night w/ “Peter” 6:45p

Flower this morning

Flower this morning

I got up in time this morning but took too long gathering all of my belongings for tonight, so I was late to therapy anyway. I bicycled to work and my legs didn’t feel quite as exhausted as they had yesterday. I’ve been thinking about this. I’m currently in the 2nd-best shape I’ve ever been in in my life. Cardiovascular-wise, I’m probably at my best ever. But I will need to begin crunches and push-ups to reach #1 overall (otherwise, the year I did Tae Kwon Do, just before getting married, is still the current #1).

This isn’t saying much. In high school:

  • I was unable to lift a milk carton with one arm.
  • I was unable to stand on the ball of one foot at a time.
  • I sometimes collapsed in exhaustion at the top of a single flight of stairs
  • Etc.

So one of my goals is to get into the best shape of my life. I’m almost there.

Anyway, so at work today, I’ve had several tasks and completed them. I suppose I should vacuum again. I did the dishes, I’ll take out the garbage. I didn’t do lunch with Shelly today; she had to be elsewhere. And I decided to go to Music Practice after work (I took an hour to decide when “Peter” invited me yesterday. I want to be careful with boundaries and what not. And I’m seeing him again on Wednesday for a Film we chose from the Film Festival. I still like him a lot; I don’t want to be in his space “too much”. I have some low self-esteem about that; I expect people to get annoyed with me and dislike me more and more, the more time they spend with me. But it hasn’t happened yet, anyway. And I was perfectly annoying with him yesterday regarding some fridge OCD stuff that came up; he didn’t even flicker annoyance. I’m kind of amazed. Everyone flickers annoyance. Well, we’ll see.

UPDATE: So after work, I met “Peter” and we ate dinner out. It got late but we practiced music until just before 10p. We were up pretty late waiting for a load of laundry to finish.

Today’s Mood Ranking (could still change): 5 – 5.8

Pro: Amazon Smile and Donations

This is for anybody who buys items through Amazon.com. If you aren’t familiar with Amazon Smile, please become acquainted with it!

All you do is log in using a slightly modified website address: smile.amazon.com. You just log in using your normal username and password. This works whether or not your account is a Prime account!

I have not found a way to do this through their mobile app. As far as I can tell, you have to use a browser and log in through smile.amazon.com. A work-around that somebody else figured out is to use the mobile app to add items to your cart, and then switch to the smile.amazon.com site in your browser, your items show up in the cart, and buy them through there.

You can even change which charity you are supporting, so you could theoretically support a different charity every month, for example!

I was actually able to confirm with Blue Sky Horse Rescue that they are indeed receiving the donation $$$ from my use of Amazon Smile! It is legit.

If any of you do not have a personal favorite charity you wish to support, please, PLEASE consider Blue Sky Horse Rescue in Klamath Falls, Oregon. They literally saved the life of one of my favorite horses, the sweetest, sweetest mare who has a neurological condition and is still with the rescue today. After a horrible time about a year ago, the rescue is now under new management and they are doing a lot of good, hard work to save the lives of horses, get a foster program going and an adoption program for the adoptable horse. Their most recent new arrivals are two underweight horses, one of whom is missing an eye.

Pro: Customer service phone calls

Do you ever feel a bit sad when you have to hang up on a wonderful customer service agent at the end of a call? Have you ever had to spend 3+ hours on a technical call with a company and felt a lot of positivity in the interaction? Sometimes, I enjoy chatting with the customer service reps so much that I’m genuinely sorry to have to say goodbye and hang up on them.

I suppose this is nothing new for me. I once spent days chatting with an army recruiter. In the end, we came to realize that my then anxiety disorder would prevent me from being placed in the stations we thought I might fit (i.e. my anxiety disorder then prevented me from being able to leave my near-Home vicinity). It was going to have been some kind of technical work. This was post-college and I didn’t care what I did with my life at that point; I would not “normally” wish to join an establishment that intentionally kills other humans.

Good customer service reps are well able to chat with you and establish a personal-feeling connection. Other reps go overboard — you know the ones who call you and instantly begin to chat with you as if you are old buddies. Sorry, buddy, that’s not how this works. That’s how you get others to resent you because you are being invasive. They are more the sales cold-calls people.

But even with them, some are quite friendly and you can learn a lot about the area where they live if you have an extra minute and don’t mind that they are offering a product. But alas, you must also learn the techniques of a firm “no” or else you will be placed on the “call-back-every-week” list.

I’ve even had a customer service rep from a company I happened to purchase a product from via Amazon call and chat and we hit it off so well, we ended up emailing additional information several times, about the towns where we live.

I love a positive social exchange. I want to learn all of the social rules and etiquette I can cram into my brain so that talking with others is always so smooth. It’s easy with a good customer service rep because they are well trained socially and even the major technical issues we’re working through can often be resolved without either party becoming frustrated by the process. And it’s easy for me to separate out a bad company policy from a bad customer service rep. At least some company feedback surveys allow you to differentiate, so you can express your frustration with the company policies without maligning a good customer service rep.

Anyway, the next time you have to make that call because some service you pay for is not functioning as it should or whatever it may be, feel free to let yourself enjoy the process a little bit.