Log: Mar 26 (Thu)

Mar 26 (Thu): Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Meet “Bob” for the first time 1:15p @cafe

The soup mentioned in this post

The soup mentioned in this post

Today is going all right so far. I did take far too long at my lunch date with “Bob”. He is very, very nice. He and his friends sometimes have creative jam sessions — one guy plays instruments. “Bob” himself draws or paints during them. It sounds so cool. Maybe if I get to know him better, I will join one of these creative sessions.

When I first woke up and before I started to get ready for the day, my mood was lower & I experienced some anxiety. So I’m placing 5 as today’s minimum mood due to that half hour.

After work, I picked up some groceries with the idea of adding an egg to hot water and drinking it. It was inspired by something that “Peter” says will happen when you add egg to boiling water. And it sounded like a do-able meal. My uncle had bought eggs already. So I bought an onion, a bag of carrots, a bag of small, red potatoes, 2 bell peppers, and some chicken-apple sausage. And some avocados. And a dark chocolate bar with hazelnuts because I had an intense chocolate craving earlier in the day. That’s just random info + has nothing to do with my soup.

Anyway, I ended up boiling water, adding half the bag of carrots and the entire onion, and then cubing all of the potatoes and half a bell pepper and 2 of the sausages into the water. I added some lemon juice. When I stirred it, the potatoes were soft enough that some of them mashed and formed a thick broth for the soup. I don’t know how to season so it was quite bland in that way, but I did add a bit of salt and way too little of a few other things. I liked it. I cannot believe I cooked and it took me less than an hour. There is a reason ‘I don’t cook’ but whatever happened tonight, it actually worked. My uncle did scold me for making too much; to just cook in small batches, not a whole pot, because we are near a grocery store and I could always just buy more and where are we going to store it… But anyway, I’m going to go back up and make sure it is put away (I left it out for if my aunt wanted some when she got home from work late tonight). Otherwise, I’m 100% set for bed and will go straight to sleep after this. P.S. Did anybody notice that I completely forgot the whole point of the boiling water? — no egg! Haha. | I’m sure glad I went and checked! The soup had been left out. I would have been SO upset if I got up tomorrow and the had to trash the entire soup!!! Whewph. Now I have such exciting news, I am going to put it into a post. So much for an early bedtime tonight. ūüė•¬†Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-7

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Log: Mar 25 (Wed)

Mar 25 (Wed): Work 9:00a Р11:45a, Psychiatrist 12:45p, Work 2:30p Р5:30p

One of "Peter"'s roommate's cats

One of “Peter”‘s roommate’s cats

It’s been a very good day. Helped “Peter” cook breakfast. Showered. Made it to work on time; met with TaskRabbit and started to sign up for a community college Accounting program; was productive at work; bicycled to my psychiatrist.

I will log my moods for her and assumedly see if a pattern emerges. I haven’t crashed since my good mood came in however long ago this hit, so we are going to wait and see if can manage it through eating better every day, and making sure I sleep each night, even if that means using more sleep medicine than usual (I usually only use sleep medicine a handful of¬†times per month). I’m to keep cancelling things when I am sick or too tired and set better boundaries that way. I’m to make sure I don’t take on too much, like is my¬†tendency¬†when I’m feeling good.

I bicycled back to work. I will bike straight home after work and I’ll go to bed EARLY (by 9p). You guys may have noticed I haven’t been online very much lately. Right now, it’s because I’m feeling good so the urge isn’t there. Today’s Mood Ranking: 6-7

Brain dump (and log)

I WANT TO SCREEEAAAM.

I don’t know why. I feel this pressure, like energy, building.

Something is changing. I’ll be different again, this time.

I hope I keep the drive long enough to see it through.

Mar 17 (Tue): Therapy, Work, Practice music alone

Mar 18 (Wed): Work, Practice music with non-Shy-Guy (let’s go with “Peter”. He’s nothing like a Peter, I’m just tired of having no fake name for him.) *UPDATE: CANCELLED BECAUSE MY COLD HAS GOTTEN WORSE* ūüė•

Mar 19 (Thu): Work 11:00a – 5:30p, Audubon meeting with “Joe” and his mother¬†*UPDATE: CANCELLED BECAUSE OF MY COLD AND FOR THINGS ON HIS END, AS WELL*

Mar 20 (Fri): Work 11:30a – 4:30p, meet up with a new TaskRabbit who I’ve hired to help me focus on getting some of my shit sorted and figured out! I can’t freaking wait. 5p @coffee shop¬†*UPDATE: Horrible insomnia last night. Could hardly get up this morning. Difficulty focusing at work. TaskRabbit meeting went FANTASTICally!!! I am now enrolled in a free, highly-rated online beginning Accounting course and I am going to meet with him face-to-face throughout the weeks to help me actually do it! He also helped me work out some healthier quick meals for myself that won’t mess with my blood sugar levels as much.*

Mar 21 (Sat): Tree planting with “Peter” 9a @tree site¬†How will I get there? I will have to leave by 8:20a to make a train

Squirrel

Squirrel

there. So I must be dressed and have eaten by 8a. I will have to try to get out of bed by … before the 8:00a hits. I have anxiety pre-8a. This will be tough. I have to do it. I want to do it.¬†*UPDATE: I was running 20 minutes late to the tree planting, and then I got on the wrong train!!! Oops. So I got off and waited for the next train and got on that one… and it was the wrong one, too!! HAHAHA So by the time I got to the right area, I looked at the map and still had a very long walk to get to the site, and I heard it was an unsafe area. “Peter” didn’t make it because of his cough. So I gave up, sadly. Instead, I went to work and organized a bit of my paperwork. Then I met “Peter” for lunch and then we walked to and around a lake. It was lovely. AND HILARIOUS. At one point, he and I were sitting by the lake with our feet dangling over, and sort of leaning against each other. We sat that way for at least 40 minutes. Suddenly, a young man approached and asked if he could give us a hug. He was laughing a bit. I asked him why and he said a bet. I asked if there was money involved, and he said the people behind him (group of young adults at a picnic table, all staring at us) were betting him $5. I thought it was hilarious so “Peter” and I agreed and the stranger gave us a big group hug and started to leave… The group yelled that it wasn’t good enough — it needed to be a full body hug. So he got down on his knees and gave us a great big hug. ***LMAO*** Anyway, it was fun. I saw lots of cool birds. Of course saying goodbye to “Peter” was hard again, but I didn’t crash as hard afterward. Partly, it may be because I have confirmation that he wants to continue seeing me. Partly, I think it was the phone call I then had with my mom. It riled me up for sure. She’s been hearing from others about me again. Oooohhh boy, but that is for a different post. Cheers.*

Mar 22 (Sun):¬†Walk with my brother¬†unknown time(s) @walk in the hills, TaskRabbit for Accounting class¬†5p – 7p @unknown location¬†*The walk with my brother went very well!! We had fun. It was beautiful. Then we ate out and it was very nice. When we got back, I felt exhausted, much like a blood sugar crash. I had to lay down. I slept until my TaskRabbit appointment. That appointment did NOT go well. We accomplished very little considering how much I am paying. He forgot his laptop power cord and his machine died partway through the first lecture. My laptop is so old that it could not play the lectures. We finally had to resort to using my little iPad mini device my mum got for me, but it wouldn’t load the course either due to Flash requirements, but at least we were able to look up some random YouTube videos that pertained to the topic. VERY DISAPPOINTING AND EXPENSIVE. I’m very upset about it.

Laika

Laika

Then I finished reading a book I was lent, “Laika”. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought it was just a comic book that would feature a dog. I didn’t know then that it was based on real life, and I didn’t know the heart-breaking story of the lives of the dogs and the people and poor Laika getting sent up into space in Sputnik II and dying within 5 hours from stress and heat. I’ve cried for two hours now, and hugging my aunt and uncle’s dogs didn’t help. It just made me cry more. Good morning. Terrible evening. I feel extremely lonely and sad now.*

Mar 23 (Mon): Work¬†12:00p – 5:45p, Meet with “Joe” 5:30p @work¬†*This morning went poorly. I was SOOOOOOOOOO exhausted. SO exhausted. I could hardly get out of bed. Then, I mistook my train for a different train and failed to get on board. I had decided to walk instead of bicycle to work due to some tentative planning with “Joe” for after work. As it happened, I cancelled part of my plans with “Joe” due to exhaustion, but we still met after work and had dinner together. I was too tired and too hungry to do anything but go eat out, pricey though it is. My cough is still quite active. I’m going to bed now.*

Mar 24 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Music practice 6p @”Peter”‘s *Music practice went so beautifully! Practicing at home during the week really paid off!! We also went to a market and made dinner first.*

…(brought forward to new post)

*New job. Must have benefits.

*New apartment. Must feel safe. Must get my own fridge and my own freezer. Dog would be a dream come true.

*Choose school. Picking classes will be easy. Choosing school out of 50 choices is what’s hard. *UPDATE: With the help of my new TaskRabbit, I’m now enrolled for the entry-level courses!*

UPDATE: I know why I want to scream!!! It’s because I’m too excited and want to work through these things RIGHT NOW, not wait to Friday!!!!!!!!!!¬†*UPDATE: I was right to be excited. This meeting was fantastic!*

Additional Update: I’m worried because this kind of enthusiasm usually precedes a very large emotional crash. Must get back in balance. Must do all the shitty things I’ve been putting off doing, for starters. | My uncle says I’m burning the candle at 4 ends right now. He’s probably right.¬†*UPDATE: I did some house chores. I am writing to friends a little less. I have practiced music, showered, eaten better tonight and last night. I did NOT sleep last night, but I’ve taken medicine already for tonight. I updated my budget. I’m still not in balance but hopefully I’m on the right track.*

Dropping the other stuff

I have my interests right now.

I have some completely crazy hopes.

I have some ideas.

But everything else is falling away. I’m so behind in some things. Like submitting insurance reimbursement forms. I have a handful but I’m not even sure if it’s all of them and I don’t really remember how to submit them because I haven’t done it in a while. Did I pay insurance for this month? I don’t remember. I must have, or it would have been a red flag last time I did budgeting. Which I’m also behind on.

HELP!

My to-do lists are out of control.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

Scaup

Scaup

This is all for “Joe” who encouraged me to finish the conversation we’d started like a week or two ago, but I’d stopped due to a shutdown back then.

I was in a complete funk all morning today. Part of it was the cold I’ve had since mid-last week. Part of it was having gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night due to extreme insomnia. Part of it was hiking for six hours yesterday. Part of it was an emotional crash after yesterday. Part of it has been my¬†confusion regarding relationships.

But now everything is in the air. Or cleared from the air. However that goes. The air is clear. Thank god.

As you guys can tell from my recent poems, my brain had gotten hooked on the guy I’ve ill-labeled “shy guy” (really need a different fake name). Like seriously fucking hooked. My poems are all part of my attempts to break it.

I’m going into the following because of the trigger and still wanting to process it more:

So I’m going to see if I can get things back in balance. Because with me, obsessive thinking is just not damn healthy. And I was not sharing it on here and I was not sharing it with “Joe”, because I was so afraid of hurting his feelings. Because “Joe” and I had been dating (non-exclusively). I also went on some dates with non-“Shy Guy” (who also dates non-exclusively right now). One day, I ended up having non-“Shy Guy” stay over (not planned), but it broke¬†my typical communication routine with “Joe”. He had a bit of an anxiety attack that evening/night. I read some of his texts in the way I would have read my ex’s at a certain point and my anxiety sky-rocketed.

It may have delayed our next-day plans, too. So I went over and we tried to talk about things but I shut down. He happened to ask a question (or a few) that were identical to ones I have heard before, from my ex, during a bad scenario. So it was exactly, for me, as if I was back, having done such an incredibly bad thing, such an intense situation, so many questions that could never end because he could never be satisfied, obviously; how could he be, in that scenario? And not allowed to leave for the threat of suicide, and the concussion he gave himself as he did allow me to clear the doorway and stand outside looking in, unable to breathe in there any more.¬†Then later came the stalking, gun-purchasing, death-threats, property destruction, more suicide threats, etc. Life’s a bitch. For everyone involved. The pain I caused. The pain you caused. The pain he caused. Life’s a bitch.

In real life, “Joe” and I are fine now. ‚̧ Everything’s in the open and the scenario is nothing like the one with my ex. It was just triggered for me because of a few similarities but was actually completely different.

I feel so much better and also less obsessive about non-“Shy Guy”. Maybe it was made worse by not having anybody to talk with about it. I feel way more balanced and grounded right now.

The emotional crash I was referring to is that I had gone on another hike with non-“Shy Guy” and some of his friends yesterday. I was not going to miss it even though I was/am sick. It was a six-hour hike and I saw¬†salamanders¬†and large banana slugs and other neat things. We all went to dinner as a group after we made it back to the main city (lots of driving). Dinner was at 9 or 10, I’m thinking. (My god I have blown my budget this month. ūüė• ) I am not allowed, by my relatives, to take public transportation once it is so late, so I stayed the night with non-“Shy Guy”.¬†I really like it, but I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible insomnia. I probably should have taken pain medicine, but a lot of it is my restless leg syndrome. It’s very hard for me to get comfortable and stay put. Every night, I spin, virtually always clockwise if you are looking at the top of my head. My legs can stay in a position for a short while, but then I **HAVE** to move.

Anyway. I got side tracked. I was trying to describe an intense scenario I get too wrapped up in¬†– the pressure of fitting in with others, the pressure of saying appropriate things at appropriate times, the pressure of not going too long in silence because I didn’t want to be the one they all talk about later as, “Well SHE’S boring. No personality at all.” (Maybe I just know too many rude people, but that really does happen!) So PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE and that alone creates an extremely emotionally intense scenario for me. Then there are other social considerations for staying the night with someone you really like but don’t actually know that well yet. And then the not sleeping but trying desperately to hold somewhat still so as to let the other person sleep. Impossible. Then the morning, and trying to help cook the eggs while he does the bacon and rushing a bit because he is meeting more people for another hike, and has invited me and “Joe” but I declined, and damn good thing considering how sore I am today. In the end, the food was great but I accidently left mine behind on the counter, as well as my leftovers from last night and also a bag of gf chips I hadn’t opened yet but my uncle had suggested I bring for the hike (in the end, we all brought so much food, it was unnecessary).

Anyway, then there is the sudden aloneness and travel back home, and it’s a huge emotional crash. Like so much intensity and a whole ‘nother world and exploration and social trials, and I change then.

That was a line I omitted from one of the poems. /I try to understand you./ I try and …/ I didn’t finish that line. The ending is, I try, and I become you. That’s what happens. I can’t understand another person without becoming them. That’s what the rest of that poem was about — all of my old dreams shoved aside and broken, because I’ve started to morph into something/someone else. I hate that.

Whatever happens, happens. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Work is killing me with stress again. I do NOT WANT to go to work tomorrow. Some really stressful things are happening technology-wise there. I won’t go into it.

The growth is back on my tongue today. I see my tongue every day because I am supposed to use a tongue scraper on it every day. Today, it’s back. I am telling myself that it’s the mucus from my head cold, and the snorkeling of mucus I’m doing to clear out my sinuses and such, that has irritated it and caused this to return. I hope it goes away. It’s physically uncomfortable.

So yeah. That’s my head as of now. Kind of fucked up. I wonder if I’m capable of having a topic in my head that ISN’T obsessive? And if this is how I will always be, will I learn how to deal with them (obsessive-only topics) in a healthier way? For now?–Oh, well. I’m too tired to worry about the future. Tomorrow, I will work. Then, I will talk with “Joe” and I MUST do some vacuuming. I need to catch up on this month’s budget, too.

Poem: Unknown II

Don’t. touch. me.

Don’t look at me.

Don’t speak to me.

Don’t acknowledge my existence.

We can coexist, we can be here together, we can be on this planet, I can know you’re there.

But to know I’m not a part of your life is easier than the possibility of rejection.

Turn my mind, tune you out. I can live on without the suspense.

I can live on without becoming this.