This is all for “Joe” who encouraged me to finish the conversation we’d started like a week or two ago, but I’d stopped due to a shutdown back then.
I was in a complete funk all morning today. Part of it was the cold I’ve had since mid-last week. Part of it was having gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night due to extreme insomnia. Part of it was hiking for six hours yesterday. Part of it was an emotional crash after yesterday. Part of it has been my confusion regarding relationships.
But now everything is in the air. Or cleared from the air. However that goes. The air is clear. Thank god.
As you guys can tell from my recent poems, my brain had gotten hooked on the guy I’ve ill-labeled “shy guy” (really need a different fake name). Like seriously fucking hooked. My poems are all part of my attempts to break it.
I’m going into the following because of the trigger and still wanting to process it more:
So I’m going to see if I can get things back in balance. Because with me, obsessive thinking is just not damn healthy. And I was not sharing it on here and I was not sharing it with “Joe”, because I was so afraid of hurting his feelings. Because “Joe” and I had been dating (non-exclusively). I also went on some dates with non-“Shy Guy” (who also dates non-exclusively right now). One day, I ended up having non-“Shy Guy” stay over (not planned), but it broke my typical communication routine with “Joe”. He had a bit of an anxiety attack that evening/night. I read some of his texts in the way I would have read my ex’s at a certain point and my anxiety sky-rocketed.
It may have delayed our next-day plans, too. So I went over and we tried to talk about things but I shut down. He happened to ask a question (or a few) that were identical to ones I have heard before, from my ex, during a bad scenario. So it was exactly, for me, as if I was back, having done such an incredibly bad thing, such an intense situation, so many questions that could never end because he could never be satisfied, obviously; how could he be, in that scenario? And not allowed to leave for the threat of suicide, and the concussion he gave himself as he did allow me to clear the doorway and stand outside looking in, unable to breathe in there any more. Then later came the stalking, gun-purchasing, death-threats, property destruction, more suicide threats, etc. Life’s a bitch. For everyone involved. The pain I caused. The pain you caused. The pain he caused. Life’s a bitch.
In real life, “Joe” and I are fine now. ❤ Everything’s in the open and the scenario is nothing like the one with my ex. It was just triggered for me because of a few similarities but was actually completely different.
I feel so much better and also less obsessive about non-“Shy Guy”. Maybe it was made worse by not having anybody to talk with about it. I feel way more balanced and grounded right now.
The emotional crash I was referring to is that I had gone on another hike with non-“Shy Guy” and some of his friends yesterday. I was not going to miss it even though I was/am sick. It was a six-hour hike and I saw salamanders and large banana slugs and other neat things. We all went to dinner as a group after we made it back to the main city (lots of driving). Dinner was at 9 or 10, I’m thinking. (My god I have blown my budget this month. 😥 ) I am not allowed, by my relatives, to take public transportation once it is so late, so I stayed the night with non-“Shy Guy”. I really like it, but I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible insomnia. I probably should have taken pain medicine, but a lot of it is my restless leg syndrome. It’s very hard for me to get comfortable and stay put. Every night, I spin, virtually always clockwise if you are looking at the top of my head. My legs can stay in a position for a short while, but then I **HAVE** to move.
Anyway. I got side tracked. I was trying to describe an intense scenario I get too wrapped up in – the pressure of fitting in with others, the pressure of saying appropriate things at appropriate times, the pressure of not going too long in silence because I didn’t want to be the one they all talk about later as, “Well SHE’S boring. No personality at all.” (Maybe I just know too many rude people, but that really does happen!) So PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE and that alone creates an extremely emotionally intense scenario for me. Then there are other social considerations for staying the night with someone you really like but don’t actually know that well yet. And then the not sleeping but trying desperately to hold somewhat still so as to let the other person sleep. Impossible. Then the morning, and trying to help cook the eggs while he does the bacon and rushing a bit because he is meeting more people for another hike, and has invited me and “Joe” but I declined, and damn good thing considering how sore I am today. In the end, the food was great but I accidently left mine behind on the counter, as well as my leftovers from last night and also a bag of gf chips I hadn’t opened yet but my uncle had suggested I bring for the hike (in the end, we all brought so much food, it was unnecessary).
Anyway, then there is the sudden aloneness and travel back home, and it’s a huge emotional crash. Like so much intensity and a whole ‘nother world and exploration and social trials, and I change then.
That was a line I omitted from one of the poems. /I try to understand you./ I try and …/ I didn’t finish that line. The ending is, I try, and I become you. That’s what happens. I can’t understand another person without becoming them. That’s what the rest of that poem was about — all of my old dreams shoved aside and broken, because I’ve started to morph into something/someone else. I hate that.
Whatever happens, happens. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Work is killing me with stress again. I do NOT WANT to go to work tomorrow. Some really stressful things are happening technology-wise there. I won’t go into it.
The growth is back on my tongue today. I see my tongue every day because I am supposed to use a tongue scraper on it every day. Today, it’s back. I am telling myself that it’s the mucus from my head cold, and the snorkeling of mucus I’m doing to clear out my sinuses and such, that has irritated it and caused this to return. I hope it goes away. It’s physically uncomfortable.
So yeah. That’s my head as of now. Kind of fucked up. I wonder if I’m capable of having a topic in my head that ISN’T obsessive? And if this is how I will always be, will I learn how to deal with them (obsessive-only topics) in a healthier way? For now?–Oh, well. I’m too tired to worry about the future. Tomorrow, I will work. Then, I will talk with “Joe” and I MUST do some vacuuming. I need to catch up on this month’s budget, too.