Mar 27 (Fri): Work 10:30a – 6p
First of all, I opened up my blog just now, expecting to post a brand new post and feeling quite crazy/out-of-control. But opening up this post and returning to the logging of days in this format calmed right now. I am glad I’m putting a chunk of days into a single post like this. It appears to have a grounding effect for me. So it’s staying (for now).
Next up, I am sick again. I caught my uncle’s bug this time (he’s been quite sick most of the week). I have had a fever today, and a sore throat in the upper parts — it feels more like a sinus infection this time. I biked to work anyway. I intended to leave an hour early but was given a task at the end and ended up staying a bit late. Then I remembered I needed to go to the pharmacy, so I’m glad that I was on bike, since that’s not near a train station.
So I was pretty excited about my updated status with “Peter” and ended up sharing my excitement with a handful of people through text. My uncle, my mom, my brother, and two cousins. I was happy (but feeling stable) all day. Everyone chimed back to me and my brother made fun and all was well. I thought.
I came home very late because the pharmacy was extremely understaffed tonight. It’s a long story as to what happened but I ended up in a conversation with two other chatty people in the waiting area and we had a lovely conversation about the area and bike thefts and which flea markets to visit if your bike is ever stolen and other interesting tidbits. Anyway. So I did bike home in the dark, and am feeling so sick, and exhausted by the time I reached home. I’m still ranking my mood just fine, but I was definitely feeling unpleasant physically.
I came in and immediately learned that my announcement scared my uncle shitless. I’m going to go ahead and write some of the things he told me but please know that it will have a happy ending, so don’t judge him too harshly. So. First of all, he viewed my morning announcement as far too compulsive. Why not date in secret for a month and then if things seem to be working, then you can announce it. I’m like, it wasn’t a fucking engagement announcement! I was just sharing my excitement with my friends, aka these family members. Announcing it like I did was absolutely the wrong thing. He is scared shitless that I am hyper-focusing on this relationship and then it’s going to be horrible and I’ll be hurt and crash like I was when I first came to live with him. That’s what it boils down to. He said a lot more than that, believe me. But the gist is, he’s scared for me. Scared that I’m too into this. Scared that I’ll crash. As he was talking, I got scared. I got scared that it was all going to come down around me. I got scared that it really is just a sick bubble that’s going to pop and I’m going to be back into darkness. I rank this mood slippage as a 4.
(Quick side-note: I’m not even hyper-focused on this relationship at all yet. I’m not obsessing or anything. If he rejects me, he rejects me. You guys already saw me work through my fear of him rejecting me; I’m not obsessive anymore about it. We’re just trying this exclusivity thing out. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t. I only mean it in a fun way, not in a caged-in-must-stay-with-this-person-if-it-turns-out-he’s-a-monster way. Give me a break! I’m very embarrassed to have announced it to those family members, now. If I could take it back, I would.)
So I opened my mouth. I told him what I was never, never going to tell him. I said, that is one of my therapist’s fears, as well. Now to be honest, my therapist and I have not discussed what my therapist actually thinks. But I get the feeling she’s afraid I’m going to crash. She did contact my psychiatrist not too excessively long ago to ponder if a low dose mood stabilizer would do me good.
It turned out to be the most amazing thing to have told my uncle. It’s like, whatever rant and lecture he was going on at me just stopped. Everything melted. For a moment, he was listening to me, like he hasn’t done since the month I moved in. “Oh, really?” Everything just clicked. I wish I could explain it. Although normally he expresses that anything a psych person may or may not say, may or may not do, is all bullshit and why am I paying money, etc., this time, he was listening and interested to hear that there really is a theory that perhaps I might crash, that perhaps I might need to be on a low-dose mood stabilizer. He asked about what my psychiatrist said. In the end, he ended up agreeing with part of what my psychiatrist said (the things I am working on to prevent a crash, if indeed that’s part of my issue), and also with what I perceive to be my therapist’s concerns (again, I cannot say for sure that those are her concerns; we did not discuss it). And then it came out with my uncle that he is just so scared of seeing me go back to the way I was when I first arrived. That he loves me so much & cares about me & can’t bear the thought of seeing me that way again. It turned out to be a very positive talk. I could never have predicted that he’d take it well that I might have some kind of mood disorder.
I had already talked with my mum about it, though. We laughed a lot. It wasn’t today but I don’t know which day it was. Since I’m in such a positive mood, laughter came easily enough: “Well, either I’m doing much better now and am much healthier, or I’m hypomanic. One or the other.” My psychiatrist isn’t sure, either. Hence why I’m going to keep documenting how I’m doing on here, with a mood range for each day. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-7