Brain dump (and log)

I WANT TO SCREEEAAAM.

I don’t know why. I feel this pressure, like energy, building.

Something is changing. I’ll be different again, this time.

I hope I keep the drive long enough to see it through.

Mar 17 (Tue): Therapy, Work, Practice music alone

Mar 18 (Wed): Work, Practice music with non-Shy-Guy (let’s go with “Peter”. He’s nothing like a Peter, I’m just tired of having no fake name for him.) *UPDATE: CANCELLED BECAUSE MY COLD HAS GOTTEN WORSE* ūüė•

Mar 19 (Thu): Work 11:00a – 5:30p, Audubon meeting with “Joe” and his mother¬†*UPDATE: CANCELLED BECAUSE OF MY COLD AND FOR THINGS ON HIS END, AS WELL*

Mar 20 (Fri): Work 11:30a – 4:30p, meet up with a new TaskRabbit who I’ve hired to help me focus on getting some of my shit sorted and figured out! I can’t freaking wait. 5p @coffee shop¬†*UPDATE: Horrible insomnia last night. Could hardly get up this morning. Difficulty focusing at work. TaskRabbit meeting went FANTASTICally!!! I am now enrolled in a free, highly-rated online beginning Accounting course and I am going to meet with him face-to-face throughout the weeks to help me actually do it! He also helped me work out some healthier quick meals for myself that won’t mess with my blood sugar levels as much.*

Mar 21 (Sat): Tree planting with “Peter” 9a @tree site¬†How will I get there? I will have to leave by 8:20a to make a train

Squirrel

Squirrel

there. So I must be dressed and have eaten by 8a. I will have to try to get out of bed by … before the 8:00a hits. I have anxiety pre-8a. This will be tough. I have to do it. I want to do it.¬†*UPDATE: I was running 20 minutes late to the tree planting, and then I got on the wrong train!!! Oops. So I got off and waited for the next train and got on that one… and it was the wrong one, too!! HAHAHA So by the time I got to the right area, I looked at the map and still had a very long walk to get to the site, and I heard it was an unsafe area. “Peter” didn’t make it because of his cough. So I gave up, sadly. Instead, I went to work and organized a bit of my paperwork. Then I met “Peter” for lunch and then we walked to and around a lake. It was lovely. AND HILARIOUS. At one point, he and I were sitting by the lake with our feet dangling over, and sort of leaning against each other. We sat that way for at least 40 minutes. Suddenly, a young man approached and asked if he could give us a hug. He was laughing a bit. I asked him why and he said a bet. I asked if there was money involved, and he said the people behind him (group of young adults at a picnic table, all staring at us) were betting him $5. I thought it was hilarious so “Peter” and I agreed and the stranger gave us a big group hug and started to leave… The group yelled that it wasn’t good enough — it needed to be a full body hug. So he got down on his knees and gave us a great big hug. ***LMAO*** Anyway, it was fun. I saw lots of cool birds. Of course saying goodbye to “Peter” was hard again, but I didn’t crash as hard afterward. Partly, it may be because I have confirmation that he wants to continue seeing me. Partly, I think it was the phone call I then had with my mom. It riled me up for sure. She’s been hearing from others about me again. Oooohhh boy, but that is for a different post. Cheers.*

Mar 22 (Sun):¬†Walk with my brother¬†unknown time(s) @walk in the hills, TaskRabbit for Accounting class¬†5p – 7p @unknown location¬†*The walk with my brother went very well!! We had fun. It was beautiful. Then we ate out and it was very nice. When we got back, I felt exhausted, much like a blood sugar crash. I had to lay down. I slept until my TaskRabbit appointment. That appointment did NOT go well. We accomplished very little considering how much I am paying. He forgot his laptop power cord and his machine died partway through the first lecture. My laptop is so old that it could not play the lectures. We finally had to resort to using my little iPad mini device my mum got for me, but it wouldn’t load the course either due to Flash requirements, but at least we were able to look up some random YouTube videos that pertained to the topic. VERY DISAPPOINTING AND EXPENSIVE. I’m very upset about it.

Laika

Laika

Then I finished reading a book I was lent, “Laika”. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought it was just a comic book that would feature a dog. I didn’t know then that it was based on real life, and I didn’t know the heart-breaking story of the lives of the dogs and the people and poor Laika getting sent up into space in Sputnik II and dying within 5 hours from stress and heat. I’ve cried for two hours now, and hugging my aunt and uncle’s dogs didn’t help. It just made me cry more. Good morning. Terrible evening. I feel extremely lonely and sad now.*

Mar 23 (Mon): Work¬†12:00p – 5:45p, Meet with “Joe” 5:30p @work¬†*This morning went poorly. I was SOOOOOOOOOO exhausted. SO exhausted. I could hardly get out of bed. Then, I mistook my train for a different train and failed to get on board. I had decided to walk instead of bicycle to work due to some tentative planning with “Joe” for after work. As it happened, I cancelled part of my plans with “Joe” due to exhaustion, but we still met after work and had dinner together. I was too tired and too hungry to do anything but go eat out, pricey though it is. My cough is still quite active. I’m going to bed now.*

Mar 24 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Music practice 6p @”Peter”‘s *Music practice went so beautifully! Practicing at home during the week really paid off!! We also went to a market and made dinner first.*

…(brought forward to new post)

*New job. Must have benefits.

*New apartment. Must feel safe. Must get my own fridge and my own freezer. Dog would be a dream come true.

*Choose school. Picking classes will be easy. Choosing school out of 50 choices is what’s hard. *UPDATE: With the help of my new TaskRabbit, I’m now enrolled for the entry-level courses!*

UPDATE: I know why I want to scream!!! It’s because I’m too excited and want to work through these things RIGHT NOW, not wait to Friday!!!!!!!!!!¬†*UPDATE: I was right to be excited. This meeting was fantastic!*

Additional Update: I’m worried because this kind of enthusiasm usually precedes a very large emotional crash. Must get back in balance. Must do all the shitty things I’ve been putting off doing, for starters. | My uncle says I’m burning the candle at 4 ends right now. He’s probably right.¬†*UPDATE: I did some house chores. I am writing to friends a little less. I have practiced music, showered, eaten better tonight and last night. I did NOT sleep last night, but I’ve taken medicine already for tonight. I updated my budget. I’m still not in balance but hopefully I’m on the right track.*

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