This will be a difficult weekend to process. Unfortunately, I will not share all of the details here. So I’m not sure how to process what I cannot admit. I will lay on the bare bones structure.
On Saturday, I volunteered time to help prune city trees again. I love it. I love the upbeat people, I love that we are helping take care of trees that haven’t seen care in three years, and I love the interactions with the neighborhood folk in the various areas I’ve seen so far – many people become very engaged with us as we work on the trees in front of their and their neighbors’ houses.
I will make a special note of a group of young men who, perhaps being high at the time, were QUITE concerned with protecting the trees of “their” street. My group’s leader did such an amazing job of explaining exactly what we’re doing and the reasons (how it helps the trees in the long run), the connection with the different programs involved, etc. Meanwhile, one of the young men in the backseat of the car started naming some of the tree limbs that were marked for removal. He named one limb after himself and started to shout out the car window: “OH NOOO, MY ARM! MY ARM! DON’T TAKE MY ARM!” Meanwhile flailing his arm out the car window, along with saying all kinds of stuff that had me cracking up. He named the next limb God. You can imagine how that went, perhaps.
Okay, back to my story. Then, I and one other person went walking around the city. I walked until I had a blister on my foot but still didn’t feel like stopping, which is odd for me. But it was such a beautiful day. In the end, we decided to visit a dog park, so I suggested that it would be a pity to view a dog park without dogs, so we walked to retrieve my aunt and uncle’s dogs. By this point, it was sunset. The dogs had a BLAST. I am not sure if it was a safe decision to stay out so late, in hindsight, but everyone we met was very friendly. It was completely dark before we returned the dogs home. I would never stay out after dark by myself, but I suppose I felt safe because I was not alone and we had two large dogs.
Sunday, I was due for a challenging conversation with someone I had stressed out quite a lot. I shut down partway through so I am afraid it is not complete. But I think the stress has dispersed. Of course, a moment of how person had dealt with the stress triggered me because the scenario seemed suddenly identical to a very terrible scenario between me and my ex. So I am having some difficulties processing this still. I have the lingering feeling of having done something so terrible and unmentionable. Yet I can SEE that the reality is that the worst thing I did was to be unclear about when I would and would not be available to respond to texts and cause a lot of worry for my personal safety as well as anxiety for a change in the normal texting routine and communication. The rest is something else entirely, and I think a very natural human reaction in spite of the spoken rules of open dating, which is not something I am very familiar with to begin with.
Although I do not mean to hurt anybody, my typical nature is very prone to hurting other people. I lose track of time when I am in the present moment. I forget obligations and other versions of reality. It’s like where I am is where I am, and everything else is somehow on pause. | But it’s not. I hear about it. How many times have I upset my mom because I failed to check in at times when she was concerned for my safety? How many times did my “the one” “soulmate” express to me the sorrow and loneliness he felt because I was part of all kinds of activity clubs on campus and wasn’t sitting at my computer Messengering him? He was THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME ON THE PLANET (aside from my folks, too), and I couldn’t drag myself out of the present moment to spend that quality time with him that he needed. (I did Messenger and phone call with him most nights, and I hand-wrote him all day long, but I don’t think I ever actually sent most of the letters, and the Messengers and calls were so late at night, I was too exhausted to connect very well. There were other issues as well.)
So is hearing that someone was worried sick about me new to me? No, I have stressed people out before. (I’m not excusing it.) But this had some additional circumstances that makes it much more complex and I don’t know how to process the entire thing quite yet.
I won’t be processing it tonight. I am, in fact, not quite myself tonight. It would be hard to explain, but I do not feel like the same person tonight as I was just a few days ago. How to explain to people in your life that you will not be connecting with them in the same way at this moment, because you(me) are a different person right now?
Maybe everyone around you feels hollow and puppet-like, to boot. So you can feel no emotional connection to them. Something could probably catch fire next to me and I’d hardly find it out of place, now that I think of it. Self-protection mode? Check. Dissociation? Yup.
P.S. Friday: I walked 17,000 steps after music practice. (Oh! I forgot to mention another music practice! I played poorly but it was nice.)
Saturday: I walked 25,300 steps!!! That is a crazy-big number, for me.
Sunday: I bicycled a little.
P.P.S. I do not know what from, but I have bruises all over my body right now. They started to develop last Wednesday. I don’t know what from; I was not helping move anything that day. I would have understood if they had developed after Monday, when I was helping move things, or even Tuesday, when I helped carry some heavy items. But nothing on Wednesday that would explain this. One in particular is very large.