I don’t feel able to write again. I’m making myself try anyway. I tried last night as well, but eventually gave up and have deleted the draft. There’s something weighing heavily on me; something I am very worried about, and it stops me from being able to write. I don’t know what it is that I’m so worried about, or I’d write about it.
But anyway. So The Move happened yesterday. Along with much unpacking. Today was the same — more unpacking. Very stressful, very tired. And I will not sit with the two printers in my cubicle. I don’t know how to fight it but I’ll keep trying if it comes up again. The ventilation is not that good. [OCD contamination breathing STRESS]
What else? Oh. I finally seemed to have peed in my sleep again [previous post on this topic]. And I became wide awake around 5:30a from a terrible, terrible nightmare. Ex-related again. Why do dreams with him in them have to be so terrible and fear-invoking? That’s not proportionally fair. We lived five years together just fine. And he never tried to hurt me in any way, until the very, very end, and that was not physical hurt. Tell it to my dreams because my brain needs to knock this off. (Although truth be told, I’d rather have these than dreams that made me miss him and be conflicted and full of self hate and self doubt and all that.)
What more? I’m just done, socially. I’m being very prickly. I’m trying to keep myself isolated as much as I can, even at work right now. It’s gotten too overwhelming with everything going on and all the people in and out. Everyone’s been really nice. There’s been some social stress, though. What to say for which people, how to keep on people’s good sides enough that they won’t shut down on me when I present things to them. All kinds of balancing and some walking on egg shells. That’s just me, though. I’m just so done. This is my 2nd night of self-isolating, granted I was upstairs until I started to get lectured again.
My love and respect for them has not diminished but I’m noticing a pattern in myself that I don’t want to allow. More and more, you lecture me. More and more, I respond in a childish, quick, defensive manner. I can’t have that. I can’t go backwards in adult behavior. It’s pissing me off, seeing it happen. I even snapped back at work yesterday, (“I **AM** getting it…”) whine, whine, whine. Child.
That isn’t me and I’m not going to allow that to seep into me.
Once I’ve found a new health insurance, I’m going to take my $725/month that I currently spend on health insurance and I’m going to look around for a place nearby where I can be a roommate / housemate with people closer to my own age. I need to be respected and treated as an adult, not a child.
You have been a godsend, a blessing, a respite, a safe place. But I don’t want to come to resent myself or you. I am not a child. I can’t have my every movement in this house placed under a microscope any more. How I eat is bothering you, how I watch TV is bothering you, if I leave stuff around by accident, it bothers you, my time of day bothers you, WHAT I eat (or what I don’t eat, in the case of beef) bothers you. If I say I slept wrong and my neck feels kinked, you call me a hypochondriac. It’s getting really, really intense. Like I can’t make a movement without getting judged. Where I stand bothers you. It’s just about everything right now.
Granted it’s a really stressful time and also granted I CAN be really freaking annoying. And granted that I do believe in the old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt.” Which is why I’m spending my evenings hidden in my room this week. Social isolation for myself + the hope that my absence will make the future easier.
UPDATE: Please don’t mistake me for being depressed at present. It’s not that. I’m just tired and stressed. But I actually feel extremely stable right now. And quite upbeat about some things.