Log: Mar 31 (Tue)

Mar 31 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a (canceled), Work 10:30a – 5:30p (canceled), Music practice with “Peter” 6p @location (cancelled 😥 )

Butterfly from a previous hike

Butterfly from a previous hike

Well daaaaamn. I don’t have a lot of choice anymore! I canceled therapy, I don’t think I can go to work, and I’ll definitely have to cancel Music Practice, which is terribly sad.

I’m so very sick. I slept for exactly 5 hours thanks to the diphenhydramine last night. I woke up after having yet another terrifying nightmare involving my ex-husband. They are NOT FAIR. I never feared for my life with him. Why is it coming into these nightmares? I know WHY I had a nightmare — stomach ache, of course. But why of my ex, always with my physical safety a concern (and the safety of everyone near me or loved by me). Actually, that last part makes sense. I did fear for animals with him. And after my major fuck-up, I feared for someone else’s life very much. But my own?…? These dreams are recreating the past, because I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, deep down, I really *was* afraid for my life every time he went into a rage and destroyed items. I know the first time something happened, I hid in the bathroom and cried and didn’t have my phone to call the police for help if I needed it. But I don’t recall ever feeling that way again.

Oh, well. So I woke up having had a bad nightmare. I was drenched in sweat (we all knew that was coming when I ate chicken+rice+coconut milk before bed; that stuff all breaks down pretty quickly). (For those just joining my blog, I’m referring to my body’s issue with blood sugar levels.) But then I couldn’t stop coughing and blowing my nose for the next two hours. My throat hurts, my body aches. My lungs are coughing very productively, as is my nose. If it gets any more colorful, I’ll have to go to the doctor. I couldn’t stop coughing, even with the cough drops. Now I’m on my second mug of tea and that has helped a bit. I’ve also had more of the soup I made last night (again, me cooking = must be a miracle). So I am just going to rest. I wish I could go back to sleep but I have a stomach ache and I know it won’t happen.

So this day did not go exceptionally well. It was a sick day but I don’t feel any healthier for it. Twice, I coughed so hard I [omitted for emetophobics]. I finally panicked when I didn’t think the coughing would ever stop, and contacted my doctor-in-training cousin, who helped me get a grip. On the plus side, I finally went through all of my pictures from three different hikes that I’ve gone on this year! I’ve gone back and added some pictures to my recent posts. A few of them were uploaded at their full size (you can click on them and expand them), but I figured out how to resize before uploading, finally.


Caterpillar (not quite a Mourning Cloak Caterpillar; not exactly a Buckeye Caterpillar; not quite like the Painted Lady Caterpillar; highly unlikely that it’s a Bay Checkerspot Caterpillar, but it seriously looks like one!)

At the end of this day, I finally ventured upstairs and my uncle saw how sick I am. HOLY SHIT was he PISSED. He’s SO mad that I went on the walk with “Joe” on Sunday. He’s SO mad that I would over-extend again. He’s mad at “Joe” for not recognizing that I should have stayed home and rested. He’s mad at me for the same. He’s mad that I would compromise my health, my upcoming plans with my parents, etc. I didn’t handle it well; I kept calm for a bit and then finally just started to cry (mood-ranking that as a 4). I really didn’t think I was that sick on Sunday or I wouldn’t have gone. Can’t go back and fix things. Besides, I wouldn’t have the lizard pictures or the butterfly pictures or have seen the snake if I hadn’t gone. So long as I can recover from this bug and it doesn’t kill me, surely it will have been worth it. I even got to see Indian Paintbrush, which I’ve been keeping an eye out for for a while now. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5


Log: Mar 30 (Mon)

Mar 30 (Mon): Work 12:00p – 5:30p, [Canceled dinner & Meditation center movie night plans due to exhaustion/being VERY SICK yet again]

Trees from a previous hike

Trees from a previous hike

So today has been rough. I woke up very sick. My sinuses and my lungs seemed nearly infected. I coughed so hard at work, I actually [omitted for those with emetophobia]. I stayed at work anyway. But here’s why: 1) My uncle/boss knew I “played” all weekend. So an absence would have looked really bad. 2) I had a specific task I need to do for one of the employees. I got half of it done today, but I will have to finish the second half tomorrow. There’s really no excuse for not having finished it all today; it shouldn’t have taken more than a couple of hours.

I’m actually considering going to a particular Thai restaurant on the way home and buying a bowl of their Tom Kha Gai soup for my dinner. Doesn’t that sound really good when you’re sick? I know I’ve blown my restaurant budget out of the water this month, but I might go buy a bowl of that soup anyway. Technically speaking, my budget can handle it due to the insurance reimbursements that came in this month. But I’ve got to plan my meals better in the future. This is ridiculous.

So I did not go to the restaurant because it was closed today. Instead I went to the pharmacy for cough drops and pseudoephedrine, and then the grocery store where I bought coconut milk and some pre-cooked chicken and some other things. So I at least heated up the coconut milk, added lots of extra water (didn’t realize the coconut milk would need to be watered down), and the chicken, and some lime juice. Ate that with some leftover brown rice. I had other stuff from the store so I wouldn’t be hungry while cooking. So I was able to rest a while before making this soup. I’m sure it was bland by most people’s standards and certainly had little extra nutrients in it, but I liked it. I could have added carrots or bell peppers but it just didn’t sound good. I’d have added mushrooms if I’d have thought to buy some.

The soup mentioned in this post

The soup mentioned in this post

What’s pretty damn awesome is that my MATTRESS PROTECTOR arrived today!!!! I’m washing/drying it right now and then will put it on the bed! At long, long, long last, I won’t have to be anxious all of the time about the possibility of peeing in my sleep. Also, this should keep my allergies more at bay — I’m highly allergic to this bamboo mattress (probably since my sometimes-extreme sweat and also some urine has, in my own theory, caused some mold growth). I cannot lay down on this bed without my nose swelling shut. Anyway, I got this and the anti-allergen pillow case and hopefully my nose will stand a chance now. I’ll sign off for now. Today’s mood was pretty damn neutral, and my whole body has been screaming at me due to this illness. I’m very worried about healing in time for my upcoming bicycle trip with friends and family!!!!! I know that I need to take it easy between now and then, but it’s so hard to decline offers. I don’t WANT to cancel Music Practice tomorrow. I KNOW that I should. Instead, I said I’d see how I feel tomorrow and that if I do make it, I need to be in bed by 9p, which he said sounded good. I KNOW I should just cancel altogether but OMG I don’t want to. I KNOW that I should. I KNOW it. OMG I have to cancel. But will I? I can’t heal if I stay the night with him tomorrow night. His roommate has 2 cats and my allergies will prevent my body from healing at all. I know this from many years of experience. My body will not heal when allergens are high. But will I cancel? I don’t promise it. I’ll consider. Perhaps I’ll be miraculously health when I wake up tomorrow. I’ve taken some cold/sleep medicine already for tonight but I just keep coughing. Breathing at all is tickling my throat. But I’m going to try sleeping now. Goodnight, all. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-6

Log: Mar 29 (Sun)

Mar 29 (Sun): Hike with “Joe” and his mom “bring a flashlight or headlamp” + dinner at his dad’s house afterward 9:30a @hike

Indian Paintbrush

Indian Paintbrush! (one of my favorite wild flowers)

Today. You wouldn’t believe today. Talk about a fuck-up. I mean, which of you couldn’t have guessed upon seeing one sentence above: that “Peter” stayed the night, and then the next day’s plans, with “Joe” and his mom, and NOT seen a major fuck-up coming?

I didn’t have this one planned out in the slightest, obviously. Well, “Peter” and I had a lovely morning. He knew I was about to be picked up for a walk. We quickly got up and showered and got ready for the day. I hurried and made eggs (another miracle, if you knew how much I DON’T COOK) and he found some leftover bread and other snacks from the night before and we had a lovely breakfast. Then it came time to part ways with him headed to the train station and me escorting him to the end of the driveway, and “Joe” had walked down from his mom’s parking spot already and so they actually met. That was not expected for any of us three and I don’t think anyone had the slightest fucking clue as to what to say. I announced each other’s names, and gave no other introductions, seeing as they both knew of the other. I was pretty wracked with guilt. Guilt because I hadn’t told “Joe” that I had a morning guest (I decided that’s not really anybody’s business, right?). Guilt because I then couldn’t remember if I’d been clear WHICH friend was picking me up for the hike this morning, to “Peter” (although in hindsight, I do think I had said so. But I can’t be 100% sure).

Regadless, awkward. Nightmare for me. Both of them said it was fine, separately. I’m wracked with guilt and apprehension but they both said they’re fine and are fine with meeting each other. Like I’ve previously said, they’ve both indicated to me that they’d be willing to go on hikes with each other. It’s me who’s scared about that. Worried that “Joe” wouldn’t actually be able to handle it deep down. Ever since he triggered me that one day, reminding me of my ex, I have treated him as such: fragile; non-resilient; must be protected. It’s unfair of me and a sick dynamic. Things will get figured out, don’t worry. If I can’t remain friends with him, then I can’t. But until then, I’m going to try, because I feel that he and I can make really good long-term friends. (Ranking this mood period as a 5. I was guilty but didn’t make myself intestinally ill from anxious or ruined the entire day completely or anything. Just guilty and concerned. Now I’m somewhat obsessively worrying, but you’ll learn the reason why as I keep typing more.)



But regardless and beside all this crud, the day was great for me. Worrying over “Peter” aside, the hike that I went on with “Joe” and his mom was really lovely. We took it nice and slow. It wasn’t about racing to the destination; it was about sighting the different birds. It was about photographing the various butterflies and moths, and different plants and trying to locate them on the brochure. It was about identifying different trees. It was about spotting all of the lizards we could find and “Joe” even spotted an awesome caterpillar! I spotted a snake. “Joe” and I went through a cave (I’d remembered my headlamp!). It was a very lovely walk and I took many photographs. One in particular, I think came out well (judging from the camera’s display screen). It’s a photo of a lizard. Update: here is the picture.

Oh! And I also brushed into Poison Oak for the first time in my life! It’s funny because I finally memorized what the plant looked like, on this very trip. Then, I came out of the cave all excited and brushed right against a Poison Oak plant. Part of me was a bit excited — this is an experience I’ve never had. I know it must sound strange to WANT to experience a reaction to poison oak, but I want to experience most things in life at least once. Interestingly, I got no reaction from it. I was careful not to rub it or touch it or anything. When we returned to the visitors center, I asked what I should do. They told me to quickly rinse with detergent (hand soap is all that was available to me) and then rinse with cold water for a solid 2 minutes. Then to make sure I immediately wash my shirt in cold water and detergent when I get home. They said this would be quite effective at preventing a reaction if done within an hour of contact; it was well after an hour by the time I washed, but I never did react. I must not have gotten its oils on me when I brushed against the plant?

I’m still ill but feeling better. It’s back to a gross cough and a mild sore throat. I was EXHAUSTED after dinner, but actually had plenty of energy for the hike. That’s a huge contrast to yesterday, where I got tired just taking the garbage outside.

After the hike, as was planned, “Joe” and I ate dinner that his father made for us. It was really good and afterward, I felt SO exhausted. We drank tea and all three chatted for a while, mostly about Astronomy (his dad is a Cosmologist). And then I asked to be driven back home so that I could get ready for bed, since I’m sick and so wiped out.

Of course, I’m not sleeping, am I. No. I came home and my uncle was quite upset that I’d spent the day with “Joe” and not “Peter”!!! He cannot believe I made that choice and thinks it was the wrong choice! He chastised me; why would I spend all day with another guy if I am dating “Peter”? He seemed upset. Then I texted with my mom for at least 30 minutes, although she was trying to just say goodnight because she was exhausted. But I just HAD to chat with her for a bit. She loved the sound of the hike, at least. But apparently my uncle must have told my brother about my choice today, because my brother had told my mom! She said they are worried that I’m going to blow it with “Peter” because I spent the whole day with “Joe”.

First of all, did I ever write on here that I got lectured for making the announcement to a handful of family that I was now exclusively dating “Peter”??? My uncle was upset. He was so worried that I’d get attached to “Peter” and then hurt and then end up like I was after my divorce. So he DISCOURAGED me from exclusive dating, and was upset that I’d announced it like “Peter” and I were an item until we’d exclusively dated for at least a month and see if he’s actually a jerk or something.

Rewind even MORE!!! When I had gone on a date with a 3rd person, “Bob”, he was all over me about isn’t this enough people already, what am I doing, etc etc.

Basically, I gather he is not happy with something I’m doing but it’s coming out in this dating thing.

Also, I gather that both my uncle AND my brother really liked “Peter”! Because they’re both scared shitless that I’m going to blow it with him!!! Hilarious world this is, really. If I’m sleeping in, it’s bad. If I’m watching Star Trek with “Joe”, it’s bad. If I date multiple people, it’s bad. If I announce that I’m dating one person exclusively, it’s bad (the announcement part). If I then spend a day with another guy (just as a friend), it’s bad. Assumedly because they like “Peter” now that they’ve met him.

Well, I’m a pretty sensitive/emotions-type person and frankly I AM now extremely worried that this will blow things with “Peter”. I did already email him to explain my reasons for the choices I made. Look. Frankly. If he can’t accept the way I think and the way I come to decisions, what good is he for me anyway?!?! I’m never going to fit in to the “norm” decision making process of my uncle and brother. It’s not going to happen. I can’t predict the way they make decisions, just as they can’t FATHOM so many of my own decisions.


Butterfly (Painted Lady)

I believe that “Peter” believes in independence and friends, be them male or female. I think he’s strong and resilient but if this day will end things between us, then it ends things between us. “Joe” and I had these plans already made and “Joe” has been expressing his excitement about this hike to me for a long time. If I was too sick to go, that’s one thing. But if I SUDDENLY learned that “Peter” was available and decided to spend the day with him and back out on “Joe” like that? Doesn’t that seem like it lacks integrity? Would I want to be with a person who would have made that choice?!?! Fuck no! I don’t think you drop someone just because you suddenly have a boyfriend and this boyfriend is suddenly free one day and happens to have stayed the night the night before. Priorities? I don’t know for sure what’s right and wrong, but I chose “Joe” who has stayed by me for a lot of my shit over the past months (I was even texting with him back around the time of my grandpa’s funeral, and had gotten to talk with him all about the meltdown I’d had there with my dad, my brother and my brother’s gf present). “Joe” has stayed by me through the extreme mood swings I went through right off of the Wellbutrin. “Joe” is staying by me even when I told him I was no longer dating him and then later figured out with “Peter” that “Peter” and I are exclusive, and “Joe” is STILL on my side and my friend.

So what am I thinking? He’s my friend. I care about his wellbeing, too. Of COURSE I shouldn’t have cancelled on him on a whim. What the hell are my uncle and brother thinking?! (And besides, it was beautiful there and I saw and learned a lot. Worth it.) TODAY’S MOOD RANKING: 5-7

Log: Mar 28 (Sat)

Mar 28 (Sat): SLEEP IN; clean the upstairs; 3p @BBQ in the afternoon (my aunt and some of her friends, my uncle, my brother & his gf and two of his friends, and “Peter”–my uncle invited him)

Big slug from a previous hike

Big slug from a previous hike

I woke up very sick today. One of my eyes was half-sealed shut by eye crud. My sinuses felt infected and hence my throat is sore. My lungs are affected. Maybe I had a small fever, who knows. So I got up and took a long, hot shower and a lot of the crud broke up, so that was both satisfying and gross. 🙂 I took a while over breakfast: I had the rest of the soup I’d made, and a lot of tea that claimed to be good at soothing sore throats (honey and something, I forget now). I lingered over it for a long time.

Then I vacuumed the main floor, both stairs, the upstairs, and most of the downstairs. My brother and his gf have arrived already. He says I look terrible and he’s scared of getting sick. I’ve been super careful to wash my hands any time I blow my nose and whatnot, but he’s right to be worried. I’m definitely contagious. “Peter” is still planning on coming anyway. I don’t know him well enough to know how he views illness. For MYSELF, I never care about illness during the infatuation stage. I caught the first of these damn bugs completely knowingly — it was the first time I stayed the night with “Peter”, after one of our music practices. He was very ill and I didn’t give a damn. We even kissed, and his nose was running snot at the time. This is what the infatuation stage does for me. In REAL life, once this stage wears off, I’ll stay far away from him when he’s sick. That’s real life. This is not; this is infatuation stage and it’s a glorious stage. lol But with him, I don’t yet know. Is he coming because he’s affected by the infatuation stage too, or does he never care that much about exposure to germs? I’m not going to ask; I’m just going to go with it. My mood is fine in spite of the physical illness. I have NO energy today; I got kind of tired just walking out to the garbage bin earlier.

Oh hey! I peed in my sleep again last night. So I’ve got laundry going ALLLL day today (it soaked everything). I never even wondered if I was dreaming or not. The dream was at my maternal grandma’s house, which she hasn’t owned in over 7 years, and this room, that of course looked nothing like her old place, had five toilets. I believe that I peed in all five of them, in the dream. This part is funny to me: It was really hard to pee into one of them; I had to really, really force myself to pee. Of course, now that I’m awake and can think back on it, that was obviously my body’s last ditch effort to send the “DON’T PEE!” signals to me. It failed. I woke up some time in the night/morning and knew the bed was soaked and didn’t care enough to even move. I just fell back asleep and slept in it. I was soooo tired!!! So yeah, the long, hot shower felt pretty damn good this morning. And now 100% of all bedding is getting washed AND I’m going to order the expense mattress protector TODAY (as soon as I’m done typing this, in fact), even though these aren’t my beds and I can’t know the future to know if a mattress protector I buy today will fit onto my future bed. But it’s necessary. I soaked a freaking down comforter last night! Which I’m highly allergic to, btw. I’m allergic to all parts of these beds. The rotting bamboo mattresses (rotting now because I sweat so much in my sleep, they get soaked sometimes; not to mention the sometimes pee), the thick, woolly mattress pad (god, talk about dust mites!!@#$), the down comforter (I’m highly allergic to feathers), and the pillows themselves have feathers coming out. It’s horrible. I can’t breathe through my nose at night. I think the mouth-breathing probably doesn’t help my tongue issue, and I’m damn sure it doesn’t help my sinuses that keep getting ill lately. SO. I’m going to spend the money and get some bed stuff that will be easier on my allergies.

I have now purchased what seems to be a good mattress protector AND a pillow case that will prevent my allergies, hopefully. And altogether, it cost about $50!!! I was expecting the good mattress protector to be around $300. That’s why I was putting off buying one!!!!! Man I should have done this MONTHS ago.

Update: “Peter” came to the dinner party and everything seemed to go really well. Dinner was amazing. The company were all SO nice and funny. Everything went smoothly. “Peter” stayed the night. It hadn’t been planned but I was glad. Today’s Mood Ranking: 6-7

Log: Mar 27 (Fri)

Mar 27 (Fri): Work 10:30a – 6p

Waterfall from previous hike

Waterfall from previous hike

First of all, I opened up my blog just now, expecting to post a brand new post and feeling quite crazy/out-of-control. But opening up this post and returning to the logging of days in this format calmed right now. I am glad I’m putting a chunk of days into a single post like this. It appears to have a grounding effect for me. So it’s staying (for now).

Next up, I am sick again. I caught my uncle’s bug this time (he’s been quite sick most of the week). I have had a fever today, and a sore throat in the upper parts — it feels more like a sinus infection this time. I biked to work anyway. I intended to leave an hour early but was given a task at the end and ended up staying a bit late. Then I remembered I needed to go to the pharmacy, so I’m glad that I was on bike, since that’s not near a train station.

So I was pretty excited about my updated status with “Peter” and ended up sharing my excitement with a handful of people through text. My uncle, my mom, my brother, and two cousins. I was happy (but feeling stable) all day. Everyone chimed back to me and my brother made fun and all was well. I thought.

I came home very late because the pharmacy was extremely understaffed tonight. It’s a long story as to what happened but I ended up in a conversation with two other chatty people in the waiting area and we had a lovely conversation about the area and bike thefts and which flea markets to visit if your bike is ever stolen and other interesting tidbits. Anyway. So I did bike home in the dark, and am feeling so sick, and exhausted by the time I reached home. I’m still ranking my mood just fine, but I was definitely feeling unpleasant physically.

I came in and immediately learned that my announcement scared my uncle shitless. I’m going to go ahead and write some of the things he told me but please know that it will have a happy ending, so don’t judge him too harshly. So. First of all, he viewed my morning announcement as far too compulsive. Why not date in secret for a month and then if things seem to be working, then you can announce it. I’m like, it wasn’t a fucking engagement announcement! I was just sharing my excitement with my friends, aka these family members. Announcing it like I did was absolutely the wrong thing. He is scared shitless that I am hyper-focusing on this relationship and then it’s going to be horrible and I’ll be hurt and crash like I was when I first came to live with him. That’s what it boils down to. He said a lot more than that, believe me. But the gist is, he’s scared for me. Scared that I’m too into this. Scared that I’ll crash. As he was talking, I got scared. I got scared that it was all going to come down around me. I got scared that it really is just a sick bubble that’s going to pop and I’m going to be back into darkness. I rank this mood slippage as a 4.

(Quick side-note: I’m not even hyper-focused on this relationship at all yet. I’m not obsessing or anything. If he rejects me, he rejects me. You guys already saw me work through my fear of him rejecting me; I’m not obsessive anymore about it. We’re just trying this exclusivity thing out. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t. I only mean it in a fun way, not in a caged-in-must-stay-with-this-person-if-it-turns-out-he’s-a-monster way. Give me a break! I’m very embarrassed to have announced it to those family members, now. If I could take it back, I would.)

So I opened my mouth. I told him what I was never, never going to tell him. I said, that is one of my therapist’s fears, as well. Now to be honest, my therapist and I have not discussed what my therapist actually thinks. But I get the feeling she’s afraid I’m going to crash. She did contact my psychiatrist not too excessively long ago to ponder if a low dose mood stabilizer would do me good.

It turned out to be the most amazing thing to have told my uncle. It’s like, whatever rant and lecture he was going on at me just stopped. Everything melted. For a moment, he was listening to me, like he hasn’t done since the month I moved in. “Oh, really?” Everything just clicked. I wish I could explain it. Although normally he expresses that anything a psych person may or may not say, may or may not do, is all bullshit and why am I paying money, etc., this time, he was listening and interested to hear that there really is a theory that perhaps I might crash, that perhaps I might need to be on a low-dose mood stabilizer. He asked about what my psychiatrist said. In the end, he ended up agreeing with part of what my psychiatrist said (the things I am working on to prevent a crash, if indeed that’s part of my issue), and also with what I perceive to be my therapist’s concerns (again, I cannot say for sure that those are her concerns; we did not discuss it). And then it came out with my uncle that he is just so scared of seeing me go back to the way I was when I first arrived. That he loves me so much & cares about me & can’t bear the thought of seeing me that way again. It turned out to be a very positive talk. I could never have predicted that he’d take it well that I might have some kind of mood disorder.

I had already talked with my mum about it, though. We laughed a lot. It wasn’t today but I don’t know which day it was. Since I’m in such a positive mood, laughter came easily enough: “Well, either I’m doing much better now and am much healthier, or I’m hypomanic. One or the other.” My psychiatrist isn’t sure, either. Hence why I’m going to keep documenting how I’m doing on here, with a mood range for each day. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-7


Squirrel looking up at "Peter"

Squirrel looking up at “Peter”

Holy crap. So I had written to “Peter” earlier today to get more clarification on our relationship; I just wanted to touch base and let him know how I was thinking about things on my end and to find out how he was thinking of things on his end.

I basically let him know that I like him a lot and would be interested in trying exclusive/committed dating with him. But that it was my understanding (having not checked in with him for a while on the topic) that he was still seeing other people and that I would continue to do the same, and am having fun. Except, I also pointed out that I had stopped being physically intimate with anybody else since I started dating him, although was not expecting or asking for the same; more just letting him know how I felt. But to let me know if he wanted to try the exclusive thing (I worded it better in the email. I’m trying to be quite brief right now). Anyway, I can’t believe it, but he wrote back tonight saying that the last time he went out on a date, he actually felt awkward to be dating someone new; that basically without realizing it, he was already emotionally committed to dating me. So he said he is game to try it officially. So we’re going to + I can’t believe how exciting that is for me.

So oh my fucking god that is so exciting. I’m glad I had already taken some clonazepam about 20 minutes before I read that email because I’m so excited (and terrified of future rejection) that there’s no way I’d be able to fall asleep otherwise.

I’m going to shut off + listen to some CALMING music for a bit. Read some Calvin & Hobbs. And then SLEEP. ❤ (So excited)

So yeah, tomorrow I have to cancel next Monday’s date with “Bob”. Too bad; he was going to attend the Meditation movie event with me. lol

Testing new theme; return to anonymity



Hello all.
I don’t know who is reading this at this point. I haven’t been participating in anyone else’s blog for at least a couple of weeks so I don’t know who knows I still exist. But regardless, I should start blogging again, even if I can’t bring myself to focus on others’ words yet.

What is going to help is that I will take this old laptop in and get it upgraded so I can start using newer browsers and such… AND with that will come some of the browser plug-ins that I can install that will read online text in a computer-generated voice. Then I think I will be better able to read other people’s blogs at present. But as is, there is just no way of focusing on it.

I haven’t figured out how I want to do my current schedule/calendar/daily moods stuff yet. It seems to be bypassing the point of a blog to have a week’s worth of stuff in a single post that I continue to update. But I’m afraid of the information getting too spread out if I post each day as its own post. And I also don’t want to put it off into its own “Page”, as satisfying as that would look visually for me, because then it would be out of context of whatever else I end up posting. decisions, decisions.

I have been individually contacting people I know in-person to ask them to refrain from visiting my blog now. I have been avoiding writing a lot of things in here because I had previously felt comfortable with certain people viewing this. Well, I feel differently about it now. I am in a phase where I need the freedom that comes with anonymity. (If I haven’t contacted you individually, separate from here, then I am still okay with you viewing this. This includes my therapist.)

Here’s my disclaimer and frankly it is going to sound harsh: If you are reading this and I HAVE contacted you individually to ask you to stop reading my blog, then frankly my trust in you was misplaced to begin with and if I say anything on here that hurts you, I do not accept responsibility for that. It’s on you. Because I’m asking to return to anonymity for a specific reason: I need a space to say whatever I damn well feel like saying and some of it is going to sound crazy and some of it is going to sound hurtful and some of it is going to be off the walls. I need this space for experimentation.