Journal for tonight, music practice and asperger dx

Yesterday, I played music with someone else after work. I was so nervous but it went very well. There were moments where I lost myself into the music completely, and there was only the music, no bodies or instruments there, no fingers, no thinking to read the notes, just the two different instrument sounds blending and becoming its own entity of music. Hearing but not participating in the creation of it. Wonderful moments that are only possible when the musicians are actively listening to each other (not just for pitch and tempos, but for any spur of the moment dynamics, articulations, and whatnot).

Tonight, I got just over halfway through my taxes and then got stuck needing a copy of a document I no longer have in my possession. I remember copying the document at some point in my past, so I started to search through my very-old-standing email. Oh. My. Gosh.

Such random things appeared. I got side-tracked like you wouldn’t believe. I even found the original date of my Asperger diagnosis, and nearly all relevant conversations surrounding it. Article upon article upon article. Email after email. Random lists after random lists. Discussions after discussions. Ex-therapists, ex-then-friends, ex-high-school counselor. Notes to myself. Notes to other people. It just went on and on. I’ve been side-tracked on this for hours now and still barely scratched the surface of what I found in my email account. There are so many things there that I’ve forgotten. Some, I need to forget again in a hurry.

An interesting note is that two health professionals were stressing OCD and me a lot. I don’t have any recollection of that. I didn’t think anyone had paid any attention to OCD symptoms until this year. I don’t remember it ever being a “thing”. I know for SURE I never told anyone half of what I’ve written here in this blog, so it’s kind of amazing to me that they were stressing it back then.

Another random note is that back when I was dissociating constantly, I was diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder. This was by an ANP I do not respect so it’s hard for me to take anything he did or said seriously. I saw him twice a week immediately following College, until he randomly quit the practice one day without a word. I say he was terrible because he had a private meeting with my parents that I was unaware of then, and told them some things about childhood abuse that he should not have told them. It destroyed them. My mom is still not the same. He also told them I would never stop dissociating and that I was diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder. He never told me that disorder name and both of my parents refused to tell me, either. He must have told them it would do more harm than good to tell me? (My mom told me years later.) They walked around in a horrible state of grief for a long time, mourning. They did question me about some childhood things. I was honest about two things and to this day I wish I had denied it all because it was absolutely the worst thing they could have heard. Horrible. I later learned he’d been run out of town. He was not respected as a mental health professional in the community.

But yeah, anyway. Some of what I read tonight was pretty yuck. Better burried and forgotten (it will be again soon, don’t worry). But some of it was soooo fascinating. I even got to read when my dog was first getting allowed to sleep up in my bedroom with me at night!!! Which helped my sleep so much; hearing his breathing and helping put him to bed at night helped me to go to bed at a better time and to fall asleep more easily.


9 thoughts on “Journal for tonight, music practice and asperger dx

    • I hope I start practicing music more often, for sure. 🙂
      I appreciate hearing from the parents’ perspective. I only viewed the tragedy, grief, loss, mourning of my parents, and even things I know she has done for me since then out of guilt. It’s so terrible. But I hadn’t viewed it from a parents’ perspective — the desire to know, however terrible. It’s interesting to consider. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. There is no worse feeling for a parent than to know someone has hurt their child. It’s so important to be honest with each other, in that way we may make mistakes, but they will come from a platform of truth. You might want to look at this grief, and mourning as a healthy way for your parents to reach a place where they will be better able to deal with their feelings. It also speaks volumes regarding their incredible love for you! I’m deeply sorry for your pain, and theirs. G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

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