Weekend Journal Post

Pedicularis densiflora, Indian warrior

Bad picture of Pedicularis densiflora, Indian warrior. This is a picture of my “real” camera’s display screen – I haven’t figured out how to transfer my pics off of my camera onto my computer (I can’t find the cord).

Preface: If I sound at all negative, it’s just from the exhaustion! This weekend was positive through-and-through.

I haven’t processed this weekend yet. I feel like writing anyway, as I wait for a load of laundry to finish being washed.

On Saturday, I had a wonderful, chill day with “Joe”, and later in the day my brother came over for a BBQ and it all went smoothly. I even got in a small bike ride in the sun.

I feel strange right now. Floaty. It’s not bad. I’m exhausted. There’s the physical exhaustion but it’s more. Today was incredibly stressful socially at times. [I had to take cetirizine earlier because I was allergic to something in the rental car; maybe that’s why I feel a bit floaty now.]

There were six of us total and everybody was extremely nice. They’re from a whole ‘nother world. It’s like this peek into these awesomely accepting, kind, world-wisened people who are completely chill and gentle. I didn’t actually catch which countries everybody was from, and the amount of places the combined total of the six of us has lived was pretty incredible. I definitely felt out of place. It’s the niceness. They weren’t acting contrived in any way; they were genuinely very nice people. I was out of place and the strain to hide it was immense.

Why I’d feel more in place amongst slightly rude people, moody people, people who make jokes I find offensive? People who are embittered and people who judge and people who manipulate? People who won’t notice or care if something really terrible slips out my mouth.

You don’t have to believe me, but there is a pretty fair amount of dark shit that can slip out of me sometimes. I wish I’d just embrace it because the strain of trying to keep it in can be overwhelming sometimes. I think I only let 2 shit things slip out during today, both of which I terribly regret. Two stories. There were a lot of questions during the day (the hike was 4 hours and then there was driving). I suppose I shouldn’t be so upset over just two coming out, but still. There’s honesty and then there’s keeping the social peace, and I am sick and tired of saying things that make anyone’s ears do a double-take. I especially need to work out a more socially-acceptable answer for why I am here and not back Home. My two-sentence answer tends to bring about a very awkward silence. Ugh.

The HIKE was amazing. The weather couldn’t have been much better. The view was amazing. I thought I’d brought way too much water (very heavy) but I ended up drinking every drop. I couldn’t BELIEVE I made it to the top (I did need help getting up part of it; my legs were shot by that point). It was definitely worth it. Great people, great scenery, great weather, great snacks. Some wildflowers and a tree I’ve never seen before.

I’m already sore from head to toe but I’m SO glad I was able to go! I definitely need to keep working out. I’d like to be able to hike a lot more in the next six months.

I have a new current-favorite movie: The Edge of Tomorrow. What’s ironic is that I’ve only seen it in reverse. I saw the ending once, and now I’ve seen it from the early-middle to the end. So hopefully I will catch it from the start some day.

-CUT for IBS TMI (for real)-

Something really annoying was that today, my intestines decided to act up. It was not diarrhea; I just really had to “go” all fricking day. I “went” twice before I was even picked up, once at the trailhead before the hike, and I had to go really badly the entire time we were hiking. I went when we got back to the trailhead afterward, again before dinner, and I’ll need to go again before bed. What. The. Fuck. Do my intestines expect a gold star for this extra-hard work day?? I didn’t even take my iron supplement today because I didn’t want to increase the issues when I knew I’d be out for a long time.
ADDITION: I ended up having to “go” again after the blood sugar incident, too! Ridiculous.

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