Mind is dark, but changes

(un)colorized flowering tree

(un)colorized flowering tree

-cut cut cut, some boring rambling-

I am at work but I don’t think I woke up and got out of bed today. It was not a possible task. I slept poorly (muscle were in pain from head to toe and my pain medicine was upstairs). My body was leaden again. My mind was leaden and asleep.

I made it to work but there was nobody here and nothing to do unless I start boxing up other people’s stuff without their permission. I’ve got to get a different job. I know, I keep saying that.

My mind was in a dark place. I cannot tell you how dark. It’s lifted somewhat now; I’ve been reading through my WP reader. Maybe it was Annie’s goodnight bunny & insomniacs post that really pushed my mind slightly out of the dump. 😉

I’m not going back on Wellbutrin until I’ve been off of it for at least a month first; my rules! I’m worried, though. This week was pretty bad. And I’d gone into it SO HOPEFUL.

This morning, at least I did NOT have an anxiety attack (yay!). I just felt leaden and my body is still in pain from head to toe (I have no idea why; it just happens sometimes; sometimes my muscles are just in pain and I have no idea why. I’ve never bothered trying to find a pattern, I just figured that’s how life is; there was a time when I thought my muscles would never STOP being in pain, but something helped it. I guess I did try things, like drinking electrolytes, eating a bigger variety of foods, taking my multi-vites, and the like). Something, somewhere helps it go away again. I don’t know what.

I’m in so much pain though, and I’m worried for the weekend, because I kind of a have outdoor/hiking plans, which could be so amazing if I’m no longer sore from head to toe by then.

BATHROOM TMI WARNING: My intestines are being overly active, too. So I keep needing to “go” and it’s quite urgent by that point (even though the consistency is ‘normal’); I hope there are a lot of bushes along this hike…

Beyond that, you know, maybe this is where my darkness and hopeless came from? I got some lecturing this morning. Nothing angry or upset so I feel quite neutral toward it, but the words were definitely a bit hopeless-feeling. You were asking me what my 10-year plans are, and my goals, and where I see myself, and I just don’t have any goals or plans still. I want to take a class or two. Those classes could lead into a career, so I should locate them quickly. Then you also emphasized me getting off the medications and how I have no reason to be depressed anymore, etc. And I didn’t even respond this time; I was just too tired and have given up on trying to help you see from a different point of view. I can’t do it anymore. If I had a recurring tumor on my leg, you’d be able to see and understand. But mental stuff? No go. And then it’s like, what if he and others of his camp are right? What if I’m depressed because of my shitty thoughts and it’s been 100% in my power this whole time.

There are times when I am so tired, so hopeless feeling, so hating and disrespectful of myself, and feeling like such a waste of valuable resources… You see where I’m going with this. My mind was pretty dark today.

But it’s mostly the pain and exhaustion.

I’m going to get this shit turned around in my life. You’ll see. I’ll be a good person yet. I’ll do something valuable for humanity.

You know, I wonder if a lot of this pain is from the other morning when I jogged to the train. It’s usually a 30 minute walk for me, but I jogged it. I don’t ever jog. I didn’t even know I was capable (I did have to take walking breaks). That’s where the Wolves poem came from, you know. I was literally trying to outrun my anxiety attack. I’m surprised it didn’t work. At the end of the jog, I was still just as full of anxiety as I had been at the start. Today, my calves are so stiff, I can hardly get them to bend. But my spine is so ouchy. It’s also my sinuses and my front teeth that hurt sooo much.

Ohhh that’s 2 nights in a row of coughing a LOT at night. Like as soon as I lay down on my bed, coughing. So I’m definitely allergic to something in that area at present. I turned on the air filter this morning and I will try washing my pillow cases and face-blanket again. I really need to buy one of those special allergen sheets to cover the mattress itself — I am quite certainly allergic to it. It’s bamboo and quite old and smells very strong. I am allergic to most things like that, so it’s safe to assume I’m allergic to that, too. But those special mattress covers are sooo damn expensive.

Well, time to go to the bathroom again (I have about 2 minutes before it’s an emergency). Then maybe I’ll call a coworker and ask if I can start boxing up his bookshelves. Oh yeah, and then I should look up the classes I want to take!!! That could be really great.

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4 thoughts on “Mind is dark, but changes

  1. Nice photo.
    As for your drugs, I went through a similar thing with a very well-intentioned friend. They will not really understand unless they have been where you are. To me, I got to a point where things were so bad in terms of my thinking and general brain over activity that I would have done pretty much anything to stop it. And drugs did address that and made life so much more bearable. The benefits outweighed the shortcomings or side-effects.
    Nobody wants to be on these types of drugs, but sometimes needs outweigh wants.
    I used to liken it to a broken leg, in that you would need a cast to provide support to allow the break to heal, maybe pain relief for a bit, then you may need a stick to help walk for a while. Do away with the cast too soon and the break won’t heal, and certainly the pain will return. The cast allows you some support while taking the weight off and distressing and immobilising the bone allowing it to heal.
    With this in place the pain is likely reduced anyway so pain killers won’t be needed for too long.
    It may feel fine to walk on because the cast is doing the supporting.
    Take all that off and throw away the crutches and pills before it’s healed and you’ll be back to square one straight away.
    Let your doctors be the judge of what you need rather than those who don’t understand the situation.
    You may look better to them but the drugs are your cast and crutches while the underlying wounds are still healing, and that’s what your therapy is for.
    And it may take some time, but go with the advice of your experts to guide you.
    Take it easy, don’t set too high expectations too soon.
    Have a great weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmm. I started a reply but it got erased. 😦 But thank you! I | I’ve been trying to complete this comment for a long time now. But I’m having a blood sugar issue and can’t focus. But know I appreciated your comment and I did have a better reply earlier. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

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