Cut for boring blech-ness
Well, the day is almost over so that’s good. I failed in a lot of different areas today. I was successful in a couple.
Let’s just say it started with me letting someone down by failing to meet them on time by an hour in the morning, having an anxiety attack that lasted an hour and a half (but I got a fun Wolf poem out of it!), and then I finally drugged myself. 0.5mg of lorazepam, then waited a while, no change, took another 0.5mg of lorazepam. Calmed the fuck down, was somewhat productive with my tasks at work today, except in the actual realm of moving (but thankfully “Joe” was helping again! ❤ ). Rushed off to a doctor appointment. I didn’t know it would be a 1 hour physical (more thorough than any I’ve ever had before) and PAP smear. And breast massage (haha), i.e. what ‘small’ people receive in place of the squeeze machine.
Then I don’t know where I went wrong or what happened. The whole day, I’ve been feeling floaty and non-grounded, assumedly courtesy of the lorazepam, which I hadn’t taken in a quite some time, I don’t think. But after the appt, “Joe” and I caught a meal and then went back to my uncle’s house together and I was up (mood-wise) for a while and then CRASH. Mood swing. Couldn’t stay present (dissociating). Could only hide. Hated myself, hated that I was likely now ruining his evening, hated that he had to see me this way and would never find it worth it to spend his time with me again, he has better things to be doing, better, more up-beat people to be hanging out with, hated blah blah blah blah blah. So he’s gone now and in a way I’m glad, because not-scaring someone is just way too much pressure. I was starting to break down and don’t really have a CLUE why! Well, I can guess why a squeek of self-hatred entered, or self unworthiness, or any number of that kind of thing. Possibly. Oh, sure. Okay? Sure. That would have done it. But then why the hiding and the sorrow? Why the path toward tears? Why the FEAR that tomorrow would start out the same as today? Oh on and on and on and on. BLECH.
Today? There are some parts I liked and would like to keep. But all of the rest of it can go into the garbage, please.