I’m saying “today” but technically I mean yesterday. It’s 3:30am and I just can’t sleep. I’ve even taken 1mg of clonazepam but there’s no chance. So, I’m just going to write and read for a while. I have some somewhat soothing music playing now too. –Cut for the boring-as-hell-ness of it.–
So let’s go through the day. This morning, I did have trouble getting out of bed. My body felt leaden. I experienced some anxiety on and off but recognized it for what it was and worked on calming back down. I did get up before 11am, as I said I would (but only barely — it was 10:59 😉 ). I woke up and OHHH I was out of my thyroid medicine! Completely out. So I did not take any of my medication this morning. I ate a snack food bar (was also out of breakfast food), and then prepped for a bike ride to the pharmacy. It was AMAZING outside. I went in a skort, a tank top and sandals WITHOUT my socks. I picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy, talked with a pharmacist for a bit, and then went to a grocery store to get something for my aunt and some breakfast food for myself. My uncle walked in while I was in there! He needed a last minute ingredient for the party.
I finished bicycling back and then vacuumed the house. I went and changed for the party and people showed up. My friend from the Meditation center showed up too. There were about 17 people altogether. It lasted from 4p – 11:30p (most people had left by then). I also painted my toenails right before the party started. They’re kind of a dark lavender (darker than I expected). I haven’t painted them since summer, but today was so hot, it basically WAS summer.
Anyway, I was anxious at the party. My friend was very outgoing and somehow that stressed me more than I expected. I think part of it is that she is eccentric and I was worried for her. That’s none of my business but I do worry in fear of other people making social mistakes and such. She was fine, of course. Better than me, for sure.
After she left, I realized how much easier it had been with her there. Now I had to figure out a way to go, socially. At some point, after we had eaten and all, I experienced a crash / a lot of exhaustion. I sank down into a chair and stayed there for a while. Up to this point, EVERYTHING had really gone very smoothly and I’d had no mood swings all day, even with being a bit anxious during the meal.
But here is where things get stresssssful. Eventually, the only ones still up socializing were myself, my uncle, my brother, and his gf. They were drinking and I was not. So many intricacies and balancing and walking on eggshells and on and on. It got really stressful. By the end, I only sat and listened, I didn’t even try to participate verbally, but I did still listen. My brother and I started to toss a stuffed animal owl back and forth. I think it is my aunt’s but my brother really likes it. I could do that, but even so, there were complexities and trying to read the situation accurately and try not to let it get out of control so the owl wouldn’t get damaged at all (in a drunken state, my brother can toss things at me with rather a lot of speed). I’m not even bringing in the complexities of his gf who studies schizophrenia as her high-up program and obviously has confirmed with my brother that I do not have any “dash of autism” or whatever asperger used to be explained as. And I listened to them as my brother tossed me the owl and my uncle asked her questions to confirm and reinforce his own opinions about people who take psych meds, use “diagnosis” as cover and manipulation, become the “symptoms” of the diagnosis, and so much angrifying bull. It frustrated me because it was all just confirming the things he’s lectured me about in the past. On the other hand, he had a lot to drink, so maybe he won’t remember hearing his suspicions confirmed. 🙂
I was so exhausted. I thought I’d fall asleep instantly. But it was the spices in this one dish – my stomach is upset from it. And my body is in a lot of pain tonight. I should take some pain medicine. I think I have some that would only take me a couple of minutes to go get.
Well, that’s what stressed me tonight. It was really just the complexities with the four of us. I’d been fine all day up until that point.
From some days ago, when I self-injured, it was just a stupid scratch, but I can tell it’s going to scar. It isn’t healing. I had washed it afterwards and put on a bandaid but I’m just not healing. One line looks fine and flat, but the main one is raised, red, too wide to heal properly (I don’t know why it widened), and uncomfortable. I hadn’t washed the item before using it. That’s what happened the last time one got infected and didn’t heal. Learn? Nope. Stupid? Yep.
I was fine with it the day of, but now I’m mixed, and starting to lean the other way. Like, there’s no chance I can ever hide these, unless I move back to a colder climate and can always wear long sleeves. The older one is still red, and I’m not sure why. It’s both satisfying and fear-inducing (fear of my mom finding out and being crushed). That’s really the only negative. I just don’t want to hurt my mom in any way, and I worry about how I could possibly hide this from her in the future. I want to know why I’m not healing.