Sex and emotional attachments, and me

[I again tried for a while to sleep, and failed, so now I am waiting for 1mg of clonazepam to kick in.] In the meanwhile, I have a really brief comment I want to make on the topic of sex and the stereotypical emotional attachments a female is supposed to make to those she has intercourse with. CUT! for viewing pleasure/lack thereof. 🙂 

Welcome back! So there is a stereotype, particularly for females, that indicates that I am supposed to become emotionally attached with anyone I have intercourse with. I’m curious if this actually happens for other people?

It does not happen for me.

I thought it would. I lost my virginity to my husband prior to marriage (it was actually a very positive experience. I was still completely smitten with him by that point, obviously. We weren’t even engaged yet, although he did say that if we were to have sex, it meant we would have to be together forever (which raised a red flag in my head but I ignored it). Anywho.

So we had intercourse, it was my first time, and I remember expecting to feel somehow different that night. Nope. I remember waking up the next morning expecting to feel somehow different. Hmmmm…. nope. Nothing.

I was kind of disappointed. Hollywood or culture or someone somewhere along the line made it seem like it would be some hormonal thing that just happens — somewhat similar, in my head, to what a mother must go through during/after childbirth and firmly attaches to baby.

Nothing.

The only time I felt more “attached” to him was when we were just sitting together on a sofa one evening and he happened to fall asleep in my arms. Then I felt some overwhelming attachment feelings. [But those were likely my maternal instincts, to be honest. I can have some killer-strong maternal instincts kick in sometimes. I don’t get emotionally connected to anyone now, so I don’t know if I could actually experience those anymore. But I used to. Strong enough where I would have killed (or more likely, wounded) to protect another, be it a human or animal.]

But intercourse? Notta. Zippo. Nothing. Ditto for any sexual activity. I can flip that shit on and off in a heartbeat (well, “off” is easy, anyway. “On” is not so easy). Trust one second, all defenses raised the next second. Feel close one second, feel completely 100% alienated and estranged a million miles away the next second, and shut you out of my mind like that. I could feel really close for a short time, and then I don’t have to think of you in a close way ever, ever again. You could feel like a complete and total stranger the next day (depending on circumstances).

At the same time, I don’t even think I could emotionally attach if someone were to fall asleep in my arms anymore. That used to do it for me. Fall asleep in my arms and I am HOOKED. But sex never did that for me. I wonder if that is a myth or if it’s just me.

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