[I cannot sleep although I’m exhausted; I am still stressed out from the party, which went fine, and I’m in a lot of pain from head to toe, and have a somewhat upset stomach from something I ate that had a lot of spices in it.]
I didn’t want to be too graphic in my title but this post is going to be about intercourse and male and female orgasms from past memories (very bitter and female slant) and I’m placing a cut here so that if you’re uncomfortable with this topic, you can happily skip it!
This is a topic that’s been on my mind for years but it’s only just occurred to me that it might be something to fess up about on here. I’ve found it a little bit relieving in the past to post about things that I’m not proud of about myself. I can’t help but feel like, if I feel this way, surely someone else out there also feels this way, and maybe they will feel less ashamed of themselves for thinking the same damn thing if they know that someone else out there (me, in this case) also feels this way. So here goes.
I was married for six years and we did have intercourse. I’ve talked about that before. But there is something I am not proud of thinking during that time, and was REALLY bad by the end of the relationship. It didn’t start out that way. When I started, so bright-eyed and naive and determined to remain positive no matter what, I came with the Can-Do attitude programed into me by having read sex how-to books and whatever self-humbling and it’s-not-all-about-me attitude I had back then.
I was so positive and determined. And intercourse was definitely about mutual feeling-good, leaving orgasms as icing on the cake, right? You know what I’m talking about. It’s the “Don’t keep score or you’ll only poison the relationship!”
I did not keep score. I could have. I didn’t; I had read those warnings and believed them. I was positive and upbeat and giving it my all. I’m jaded and bitter now, but I wasn’t in the slightest back then. It’s hard for me to even remember what that was like, because I feel so much bitterness at the thought of it.
I’m not proud of it, but it’s there. When sexual interactions begin however they begin but end definitively with the male orgasm, it’s a little hard not to notice. If you happen to be the female, this may or may not have ended the mood for you, too. What if it didn’t? Are you ashamed if one flicker of disappointment crosses your mind? Do you push it aside and tell yourself to be satisfied with your experience and happy for your partner? What if this repeats time after time for years? What if you don’t need a score card to know it’s getting to be 20:1, then 30:1, then 40:1…?
But you’re programmed not to mention it. You’re programmed not to request to try things with that as a “goal” because “THAT’S WRONG AND SELFISH”. You must not make it a goal and you must not keep score.
You might start to have a lot of self-doubt. Are you just selfish? Isn’t intercourse all about the male orgasm anyway (well, being frank, wtf else? How else do mammal populations reproduce?)? No other mammal gives a shit about the female experience, why should we? Some females report being unable to orgasm during intercourse anyway (although frankly, I wonder how the fuck they did those trials. Because I have extreme suspicion about circumstances, position, comfort, mood, trust toward partner, etc that go into it for the female experience– how did they make sure these were all okay for the trials? You tell me how they gathered that data exactly and in some kind of a fair and scientific way, and maybe I’ll believe it [here is a short web page I can actually stomach on the topic: http://www.psychalive.org/7-factors-affecting-orgasm-in-women/ ]) (And regardless, let’s say the particular female truly cannot orgasm during intercourse; there are still endless ways to allow for that, if desired). You try reminding yourself that in some cultures, the female parts are intentionally damaged so as to prevent that kind of physical pleasure from even being possible, and they suck it up and allow intercourse. So surely I can proceed without bitterness…
But by the fourth or fifth year, bitterness alone had taken root. And although I never said it aloud, each and every time, I couldn’t stop myself from wishing to end it all abruptly prior to male orgasm. Let’s level the playing field and experience and end all sexual activity with neither of us getting to that point, so it’s really only about mutual pleasure. Why not? And if male wants to finish with orgasm, go take yourself to the bathroom and finish that yourself. (There were already other issues affecting sex by that point, some of you may remember from previous posts.)
I cannot believe how much bitterness and hatred I hold in my heart on this subject. I had no idea I could be so hateful. I must let this go somehow. I don’t want to carry hate inside of me. And I don’t want to ruin any chance at future relationships.