Preface: I had a little meltdown last night. I had made some assumptions that turned out to be not entirely accurate. Reality turned out to be much better than my thoughts had led me to believe. It was an odd day. I woke up and did not feel hunger. So I didn’t eat breakfast until lunch time. Then I didn’t eat lunch, but did eat a stupid snack bar to make sure I wouldn’t fall apart during my psychiatrist appointment. My appointment went well but I spazzed out yet again. I don’t want to, but it can be very intense, and some of how I cope is that my mind goes elsewhere or down a dark hole and I’m screaming at myself to get back up and keep on topic, but Ugh. It’s hard when someone faces you with the truth that you’re so used to hiding. She’s disturbingly insightful, but I’m glad.
I practiced guitar from the time I got home until the time dinner was ready, which was around 9pm. [I had my face pressed against the guitar. I only know/am practicing 3 songs, but the vibrations of the guitar are very soothing.] Then I finally experienced hunger feelings and ate a lot. I finished close to 10pm. I then fed the dogs and got ready for bed but my mood was quite low. I took 0.5mg of clonazepam to help make sure I could sleep. I posted a snippet of last night’s poetry. It was all a bit dark (I felt extreme self-hatred). I posted the only part that felt important to me. Then I actually talked with “Joe” for a bit which helped a ton, especially because he helped me to see that a lot of what I was hating myself about was based on incorrect assumptions. My mood couldn’t raise because of the blood sugar issues but my thoughts stabilized. I cried a lot. I think it’s pretty amazing (understatement of the century) to have found a friend who doesn’t scare when I’m in my lowest, most self-hating mood, but oh my GOD I don’t want to abuse it (aka lose a friend). (Is that the past talking?) I want to find other ways to deal with things.
I actually wrote a post here last night after I had stabilized, but it disappeared somehow. It’s not even saved in drafts, which is odd. But didn’t matter to me very much; I then fell straight to sleep.
NOW on to this morning!!! (Yes, that was all a tangent/update.) This morning, I asked for no calls again. I had 3 alarms set and they were all correctly turned on this time. This time when my first alarms started to go off, I tried something my psychiatrist suggested: I took my morning medicines with some water. The theory is the Synthroid and antidepressant could help me to wake up (for those concerned, I do indeed take my Synthroid with other things in the morning; my bloodwork is stable for it, but I know it means the actual amount I get per day could vary depending on what I eat for breakfast, etc. Actually, it will be more stable now, because I will be taking it only with the antidepressant and water now).
Anywho. So I did it! I took my pills, drank a little water, and I don’t recall if I slept more between alarm snoozings at this point or not. If I did, it was brief. Then I began to play through music on my phone. I was interested and it kept me awake the entire time. Thankfully, I needed to use the restroom at some point, but I typically ignore that too. This time, I actually got up! I got up, and I stayed up. I had again only delayed in bed for about an hour or so.
Much improvement! If these 2 days continue (please continue), I will eventually be able to get to work at the correct hour once again, like I was doing before January struck! [insert stars here]
Current Mood: Stable. Neither excited or depressed. Somewhat productive (have actually accomplished some things at work today, and been able to focus a little bit).
P.S. I found out why my aunt seemed frustrated with me on Saturday. It wasn’t in my head after all. But I did make a wrong assumption about it, too. I thought she was mad because I’d implied I’d sell whatever they wanted on ebay and keep some money to pay for medical bills this month (I’m $250 shy this month). ACTUALLY she was frustrated because I didn’t work much in January (hence why I’m shy on money). My uncle assured me that she had indeed said many months ago that I could have some of whatever sells if I sell it for them, so that was not what the issue was, as I had assumed (aka my “faux pas” I mentioned here the other night). Instead, I got assured that both her and my uncle are frustrated because if I need more money, then WORK MORE. She’s actually made a couple of comments lately that I was trying not to take personally, but now I see that she really did mean that. lol Oops. I’m not upset about it right now. Anyway, it’s my goal. If this job doesn’t get better after the move, I am finding a different job. I used to love work and was 100% “ON” at all times at work. Nick, if you’re reading this, you remember! I never slacked or showed up hours late. I did fall asleep once during lunch but that’s a different story… 🙂