Why I am no longer afraid of journaling here (Journal#071)

I’m no longer afraid of “journal”ing here. I’ve been afraid of it this whole time. My fear of it stopped yesterday.

Someone out there is looking through my posts in chronological order and let me know. So I felt somewhat compelled to go backwards myself and skim through some of what I’ve posted here. (A lot of what I write gets brain-dumped by me shortly after I’ve written it, so please forgive duplicate info.)

And I was actually shocked that it wasn’t *as horrible* to read as how I’d felt when writing some of them. I felt completely insane at times, and completely out of control. Some of that comes through in the way I formed (or didn’t form) sentences and such. Some of it comes through in the thought scatter.

But overall? I can look back and see that a LOT of when/why I was feeling so out of control were the EXACT times when I actually felt like complete shit and was trying to prove otherwise.

Now I’m wondering, what if I had let myself actually feel/express the shit that was going on at the time? Maybe it would have grounded me more. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt out of control and lost and panicky anymore.

I’ve only skimmed some October and the first part of November and then I quit. Let me explain November and December (I’m not going to reread; I remember the out-of-control feelings of that time period). THOSE MONTHS SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those months were TERRIBLE!! Why hide it? Why lie and pretend to be struggling to find the positives, fighting with myself over feeling negative when I “should” have been healing, blah blah blah? Those two months were nightmares! It was all work-related. The company was falling apart, a lot of responsibility was being handed to me that I was unprepared for mentally, and it was stressing the shit out of me. My uncle was yelling all the time when I was home (it was all work-related). I was feeling crazy and out of control, plus depressed again and incredibly, incredibly hopeless and bleak. Things were just getting worse and worse.

I remember it culminating in my meltdown when my dad visited and my grandpa’s beautiful memorial/funeral took place, and my brother started grilling me and I just fell apart. That’s when I understood that it had been work-related the entire, shit time.

Now the company is split in half, my part of the company is going to move this month, and I’m helping orchestrate that. In fact, I just showed a moving company representative all around, and will do the same for another company later in the week. I’m basically calling the shots, which I can only do now that I mentally “quit” my job over this already. So I’m mentally detached from it and am able to somewhat handle it now.

So some of you may remember that I nearly broke contact with my brother over the two lectures he’d given me back then? Well shortly thereafter, I realized how silly that was and that I actually feel more sorry for him than angry. We are getting along fine again now. He still lectures me about it sometimes (which I’ve posted here), but we actually hung out after work last night! Who in the WORLD could have EVER predicted that? He’s literally lived across the country from me for my entire adult life to this very point. Now here we are, just by complete chance in life, living in the same city all of a sudden.

After last night, remembering that my ex had tried contacting me via Facebook, I experienced some of the same feelings of hopelessness and feeling out-of-control. I did not end up taking any anti-anxiety medicine. I blogged about it, and I shared it with some other people.

I’m starting to form a theory, today, that some of my out-of-control feelings stem from me trying to deny/alter/display-otherwise how I’m feeling for the sake of myself & those around me. I could be wrong, but some of the dots seem to be connecting for it. That’s probably way too easy but I’m going to test this out.

I’m exhausted beyond words again today, but feeling pretty stable + okay. 🙂 I actually agreed to a semi-blind date for later this week! Scary but potentially fun.

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