This morning’s nightmare (Journal#069)

I had an insane nightmare this morning. I woke up having an anxiety attack 20 minutes before my alarms start to go off. (On the plus side, I made it on time to therapy.)

Basically, I only have nightmares when I have stomach aches. I have been having stomach aches more frequently, especially since starting the iron (although I’m not having the difficulties I was cautioned to expect). I don’t believe in reading meaning into dreams at all whatsoever (I personally equate dreams to defragmenting a harddrive), but sometimes I write them down if they bothered me to a high degree. Which this one did.

The nightmare was related to my ex. I was Home, visiting my parents, and he found out about this blog and went completely insane with rage. He stalked me down and broke in. For some reason, my best friend’s older brother was at the house as well, which is completely random since I haven’t seen him since like 20 years ago. But he was there so I was trying to motion him to call 911. But my ex got to me and started punching my skull in. In reality, he’s extremely strong. In reality, he punched himself and gave himself a concussion (that was really bad time period). In the dream, it took 2 punches and I was dead.

Then the dream rewound to the point where he broke into the house and a different ending played out. This happened so that by the time I woke up, 4 different endings had played out for this scenario, and the 4th one actually included me being able to escape, but I think he went upstairs and shot himself in the head. Maybe that was the 3rd ending, actually, because the 4th ending was also a vehicle chase scene and guess what — I was driving the vehicle that typically gives me brake nightmares (in my typical driving nightmares, the brakes don’t work; in reality, the brakes are just very insensitive). In this dream, the brakes weren’t the main issue; I couldn’t get the vehicle to turn to the right when I needed it to, so I couldn’t get around this curve in the road to complete my escape. My best friend’s brother had been able to escapeΒ via aΒ 4-wheeler.

In the dream, he was so mad because he had shown this blog to one of his coworkers, and that coworker had shown it to one of my ex’s nieces. And now his niece thought all these horrible things about him and was laughing at him.

Except, in reality, I don’t think I’ve put too much bad stuff here about my ex, right? I try to be careful. I try to keep all of this mostly about me and my own processing. I haven’t even gone into the destruction of our marriage, a good chunk of which would only reflect poorly on me. I think I’ve even expressed here how sorry and guilty I felt about a lot of it.

Ah well. I don’t want to live my life in fear of being discovered. I mean yes, I could stop blogging. I could stop any online activity. I’m easily discoverable because of details and photos I’ve shared. But I’m just going to keep on and hope for the best.

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10 thoughts on “This morning’s nightmare (Journal#069)

  1. Oh those are terrible nightmares – sooo sorry you had to wake up with those. No wonder you were in a panic. I sometimes have nightmares too that get worse if I drink Shiraz wine – I’m fine on Merlot or Cabernet, but oh those Shiraz dreams make me want to not sleep alone to wake up alone with them. Perhaps it is the iron??? Is it possible to leave it off for a week to see if all the unwanted symptoms clear up?
    But your nightmares do seem to be an extrapolation of your realistic hope that your ex never finds out. I guess if I were to blog about certain people in my life and they found out and were ‘less than happy’ about it – I would say that they should treat it either as a) fabrication and they shouldn’t worry about it or b) the truth and they should be ashamed about it and keep quiet.
    I think in truth unless the ex is or has a friend who is an internet sleuth, he may not track this back to you unless innerdragon was his nickname for you and he goes googling it. Might be an idea to go googling your real name and see whether this ever pops up. If not, then just never mention it and you should be fine.
    I do like the fact though that you kept rewriting the story until you won!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow thanks! I love both your A and B options!!! Neither one ever would have occurred to me. Brilliant.

      Shiraz wine. I haven’t heard of it. I wonder what’s in it that is nightmare-inducing. O_o

      No, innerdragon has to do with my favorite year of high school, nothing related to marriage. I was queuing up from my happy memories of an English class I volunteered to take just because my friends were also taking it (for them, they still needed more English credits to graduate), and I didn’t want to feel left out, so I took it too. Lol Turned out to be my FAVORITE class.

      Yeah, I’m glad I got some different endings. That is not usual for my dreams. But then, since when do I die in my dreams, anyway?? O_o

      I haven’t been on the iron too long. I’m still hoping the intestinal discomfort will go away as I get more used to the iron.

      Thank you πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh those nightmares can really cause problems for us. I’ve never looked to much into my dreams or nightmares either, but sometimes… just sometimes some really stand out and freak me out.

    I agree with Skyscapes for the Soul on your ex finding you out. Don’t worry too much about it unless he’s some super sleuth. πŸ™‚ I hope your tummy starts to feel better. Sending good dreams your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just saw something on my fb page that is relevant to your ex’s theoretical/possible reaction. A quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald: “What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.” (I was thinking of it in terms of what your ex did, rather than the fact you blogged about it.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Those dreams of yours are some scary stuff. That’s pretty much worse than the nightmares I have except when I wake up convinced there’s someone in the room with me. You take care of yourself now, OK?.

    Liked by 1 person

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