I had an insane nightmare this morning. I woke up having an anxiety attack 20 minutes before my alarms start to go off. (On the plus side, I made it on time to therapy.)
Basically, I only have nightmares when I have stomach aches. I have been having stomach aches more frequently, especially since starting the iron (although I’m not having the difficulties I was cautioned to expect). I don’t believe in reading meaning into dreams at all whatsoever (I personally equate dreams to defragmenting a harddrive), but sometimes I write them down if they bothered me to a high degree. Which this one did.
The nightmare was related to my ex. I was Home, visiting my parents, and he found out about this blog and went completely insane with rage. He stalked me down and broke in. For some reason, my best friend’s older brother was at the house as well, which is completely random since I haven’t seen him since like 20 years ago. But he was there so I was trying to motion him to call 911. But my ex got to me and started punching my skull in. In reality, he’s extremely strong. In reality, he punched himself and gave himself a concussion (that was really bad time period). In the dream, it took 2 punches and I was dead.
Then the dream rewound to the point where he broke into the house and a different ending played out. This happened so that by the time I woke up, 4 different endings had played out for this scenario, and the 4th one actually included me being able to escape, but I think he went upstairs and shot himself in the head. Maybe that was the 3rd ending, actually, because the 4th ending was also a vehicle chase scene and guess what — I was driving the vehicle that typically gives me brake nightmares (in my typical driving nightmares, the brakes don’t work; in reality, the brakes are just very insensitive). In this dream, the brakes weren’t the main issue; I couldn’t get the vehicle to turn to the right when I needed it to, so I couldn’t get around this curve in the road to complete my escape. My best friend’s brother had been able to escape via a 4-wheeler.
In the dream, he was so mad because he had shown this blog to one of his coworkers, and that coworker had shown it to one of my ex’s nieces. And now his niece thought all these horrible things about him and was laughing at him.
Except, in reality, I don’t think I’ve put too much bad stuff here about my ex, right? I try to be careful. I try to keep all of this mostly about me and my own processing. I haven’t even gone into the destruction of our marriage, a good chunk of which would only reflect poorly on me. I think I’ve even expressed here how sorry and guilty I felt about a lot of it.
Ah well. I don’t want to live my life in fear of being discovered. I mean yes, I could stop blogging. I could stop any online activity. I’m easily discoverable because of details and photos I’ve shared. But I’m just going to keep on and hope for the best.