Yeah. So something happened the other day (last week? The week before?) I kind of blotted it out after that. Um yeah so I went on Facebook to pull another picture down (I was obsessively sending animal pics to “Joe”) and there was a little shock in my Messages. My ex had written me.
I told “Joe” and then managed to not-think about it until “Joe” reminded me just now that he had offered moral support if I wanted help pulling all my pictures down. And I was like Why again? Ooooooohhhhh fuck. That.
I hadn’t ever dealt with Facebook after my divorce. I never even changed my last name on there. It’s 99% dead to me. I didn’t want to sit down and figure out who I needed to block or why. So I just left it. I don’t post. But I log in now and again to pull pictures.
It is amazing the amount of guilt it brings up in me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to block him.
But I AM strong enough to one day pull all of my pictures down, save them elsewhere, and never access it ever again.
UPDATE: I got up the nerve to tell my aunt & uncle. It stayed calm. I’m going to download all of my pics one of these days, when I’m feeling quite brave and/or on an anti-anxiety medicine. As I will be shortly. Because thinking it over as something that really happened is kind of insanely anxiety producing.
I had originally wanted to remain friends with my ex. But waaaay to much shit has gone down since I’d expressed that. Way too much. But there’s a part of me that’s still just scared and doesn’t know what’s happening or why. I don’t know how I could have done what I did that initiated all of this. I don’t know what is good and what is bad, what is healthy, what is wrong. When I forget for a long time, it’s easier, but there are actually some things that really did happen. I don’t want to remember.