Freewrite (Journal#068)

I wrote this on November 23, 2014 but had left it unpublished because I hated myself so much for spreading such negativity. I’ve re-read it now, and I don’t think it was that bad. P.S. for me, a “Freewrite” means writing anything at all whatsoever that comes to my head while typing, no matter the content or format. I’m going to place it under “Journals” however, because I don’t wish to create a new category just now.

—-Nov 23:—-

A night so dark
No lights are shining in
I can feel a warm breeze against my cheek
But why can’t I lift my feet?

Falling. I’ve tripped and am sliding.
I grab at bushes full of thorns.
My hands are bloody, my clothes are torn.

There must have been a reason
There must have been some meaning to it all.

You shamed me. You told me I was bad.
I’m hiding now. Hiding from a life I never had.

All the things you do and all the things you say.
I’ve never touched. I’ve never breathed. I’ve never lived the life you seem to think.

So look away from me.
Don’t see the tears upon my cheek.
I’ll smile and I’ll say and do
the things to get me through.

Give me a job and I’ll pretend.
Give me a hand and I will stand.
Give me a family and I will try eternally
To be the girl that it would please
anybody here to see
But that’s just not what’s inside of me.

Someday I pray to find just one person who understands
The knife I placed inside my back
I cannot reach
Cannot remove
But the pain is here to teach
To prove

I’m a self-centered piece of shit
I don’t deserve to have one word read at all
Don’t give me a platform and let me think
Someone is listening to me.

I’ll take advantage, I will try
To suck the life from anyone
There is not one thing I could say
To make this all worthwhile.

I need to give it up and stop the rants
Suck it up and try just one more time
To live in silence
Try to find a way to exist here peacefully.

I can’t explain why I feel so alone
Tonight
I

I can see your face. I can hear your voice.
I deleted the pictures of the broken items.

I didn’t deserve this moment now.
But then, I didn’t deserve for me to have kept myself in that situation.
Which I don’t think was so bad. But here they tell me it was abusive, manipulative.
But I think you were genuinely trying.
And I’m so damn sorry.
And there’s nothing I can do now. The past is sealed. I don’t want to think back.

I have to look forward, only forward.

But I’m really lonely and I haven’t made a single friend out here.
And I’m taking advantage of a situation in which some people help me.
But I don’t deserve the help. This energy that’s going to me should go to people on the planet who are deserving and positive and can make some difference on this planet.

That’s not me. Listen to me, all I do is spread the unhappiness with things I should be so grateful for.

What if there was some way to turn it all around?
What if it was not too late?
What if I could still be a positive force in the world?
What if I could make just one person smile?
Instead of frown. Like I’m doing now.

How can I turn selfless when I feel so lonely? I don’t know. But I have to try.
I will stop using this blog for journaling again. I know it’s a very unhealthy thing for me.
I must try to figure out some way to make a positive difference with this life.
It’s not about me.
It can’t be about me, I’m not that good of a person. I never have been.
I don’t deserve the focus I am trying so hard to take.
I need to step back into the shadows and help somehow.
Make a life behind the scenes. It’s the only way for me to stop feeling this kind of angst.

I don’t want to get depressed again. But all this time and thinking…Where did I think it was going to lead?
From now on, Positivity Only.

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