AANNDD I already crashed. Just like that. (Journal#062)

Tree and autumn-looking leaves

Tree and autumn-looking leaves

Hiding this behind a “read more” sign. 🙂

I got more clarification from “Joe’s” end of things and what it is for me, non-exclusively dating, is not what it is for him. He believes permanently in open relationships, which I knew before but never explored for more detail. So, meh, all it REALLY means, to me, is I’ve let myself become blinded by another human, yet again.

Just like that. I spent too much time with him after all.

Now I’m sad enough to cry which is SOOOO STUPID because I didn’t feel like he was marriage material for me anyway! LOL

Do you see why I HATE my BRAIN????? It doesn’t make any SENSE. How can I let the stupidest, most trivial things effect me one way or another?!

I go by the present moment. I feel in the present moment. When I’m with him, the moments are nice. What more is there? Now I re-confirmed that it’s not a future-worthy relationship, so I’m sad. Maybe I’m sad because the moments with him are nice and I want “nice” to stay in my life.

But of course, of COURSE, it doesn’t have to be him. I “SHOULDN’T” —OF COURSE— have “nice”ness in life “DEPEND” on any other human but myself. Yeah, yeah.

Let’s be real here, though, okay? This is me. I will never live alone BY CHOICE. I will live in houses with roommates if/when it comes to that. I will share with ROOMMATES or HOUSEMATES but I will never live alone. When I have been alone for days on end, I lose the ability to feel hunger. I lose any reason to get out of bed. I just fade away and disappear. My voice goes away, literally – when people return from trips or whatever, I often cannot get my voice to work for a while. I get really weird and act non-myself. It’s unhealthy for me.

So okay. Cry for knowing that this known “nice”ness will not be my future. Fine. But I’ll find other people anyway, it’s no big deal. ❤

9 thoughts on “AANNDD I already crashed. Just like that. (Journal#062)

  1. It is not abnormal for you to feel sad, even if it is clear to you that he was not the right person. It is a trigger of feelings from the past of abandonment, lack of closure , and relationships ending badly. Very natural to feel something about it. The right person will make you feel like you are Home. The right relationship is the one where we don’t have to try to be perfect or Fit into Their Picture of perfect. I think you will find someone but there may be other tears along the way.
    It is good that we have this blogsite to validate each other. I feel lost in the world sometimes , until I get on here.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! ❤
      You have a way of looking at things from a perspective I hadn't even considered. My brain's reaction doesn't sound too insane after all when you put it that way. (being sad that it's not long-term material when SINCE WHEN was I even thinking long-term anyway?! I've known him for like a day. Plus, I don't think long-term about anything else. O_o ) But to think that the confirmation of the non-long-term-ness could be a bit triggering makes sense.

      I don't actually believe I can find another person I feel At Home with, aside from my own family. OMG I need to do a post on associations! I've been meaning to. Maybe I will have time in just a bit.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m really glad that you’ve got a couple good people here who seem to know the right things to say, because as you know, I don’t. Too intimate for me, and I’ve got those wicked intimacy probs. Seriously, I’m so embarrassed just reading this stuff, I feel like I got caught in some kind of weird “menage a trois” involving myself, and two Rhesus monkeys. But I do feel for you, so this is like the best of both worlds, because I can just agree with the earlier commentators who apparently are able to actually express themselves (way to go people), and then just let you know that I’m here for you

    Liked by 2 people

    • LOL! Believe me, I’m only able to post these ramblings because it’s a mostly-anonymous blog. (Although, actually I do tend to over-share when I trust somebody. I need to work on that, in-person.) Apologies for making you uncomfortable! I could start using the “read more” button more often, if that helps.

      Thank you & I appreciate you being here! 🙂


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