Hiding this behind a “read more” sign. 🙂
I got more clarification from “Joe’s” end of things and what it is for me, non-exclusively dating, is not what it is for him. He believes permanently in open relationships, which I knew before but never explored for more detail. So, meh, all it REALLY means, to me, is I’ve let myself become blinded by another human, yet again.
Just like that. I spent too much time with him after all.
Now I’m sad enough to cry which is SOOOO STUPID because I didn’t feel like he was marriage material for me anyway! LOL
Do you see why I HATE my BRAIN????? It doesn’t make any SENSE. How can I let the stupidest, most trivial things effect me one way or another?!
I go by the present moment. I feel in the present moment. When I’m with him, the moments are nice. What more is there? Now I re-confirmed that it’s not a future-worthy relationship, so I’m sad. Maybe I’m sad because the moments with him are nice and I want “nice” to stay in my life.
But of course, of COURSE, it doesn’t have to be him. I “SHOULDN’T” —OF COURSE— have “nice”ness in life “DEPEND” on any other human but myself. Yeah, yeah.
Let’s be real here, though, okay? This is me. I will never live alone BY CHOICE. I will live in houses with roommates if/when it comes to that. I will share with ROOMMATES or HOUSEMATES but I will never live alone. When I have been alone for days on end, I lose the ability to feel hunger. I lose any reason to get out of bed. I just fade away and disappear. My voice goes away, literally – when people return from trips or whatever, I often cannot get my voice to work for a while. I get really weird and act non-myself. It’s unhealthy for me.
So okay. Cry for knowing that this known “nice”ness will not be my future. Fine. But I’ll find other people anyway, it’s no big deal. ❤