VERY BRIEF update: (Journal#058)

Although I am exploring some darker things at present, and my two poems last night were written from extreme self-hatred. And it was all I could do not to cut last night (I could almost feel the knife, I was so close).

It turns out the emotions I had sensed were not directly related to my behavior, but to an entirely different aspect I could never have known about had I not actually admitted my feelings to him today and heard his explanation. So. My fuck-up was actually quite minor. It still exists, but quite minor. (I’m guessing “the” OCD post was affecting me to an extent, as well as being in a new location/new train/unknowns, as well as it being late at night, as well as not having slept much the night before. Kind of a conglomeration of things.)

But my current mood is unchanged. I am emotionally stable today. I am very calm and not upset in the slightest. But I am still following the darker paths because that is what is calling to me. I go where I am called. I want to see where this leads me. Even listening to the old NIN “Hurt” song brought me to a place of such strong familiarity. To times when yes, I was very depressed, but so long before I went to college. So long before I changed so drastically. It’s kind of amazing.


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