Ut oh. Crazy, happy thoughts. (Journal#059)

Flowers

Flowers I bought myself yesterday… I justified their purchase by trying to cheer up my office environment with them… 🙂

Okay WHY can’t I have just one good mood and remain stable there? Instead, my enthusiasm has to go off its little scale and get all wrapped up in things like, yeah:

  • I am going to take a dance class!
  • I should have dropped by that complete stranger’s house last night and asked him to teach me how to play the drum set like that!
  • The sunshine! I’ll just stand here with my face and palms and bare arms lifted to the sun forever!
  • I want to take American Sign Language again!

oh it goes on. How about INSTEAD I just sit here the fuck DOWN and stay calm and stable for like ONE. DAY. Is one day too much to ask for?

Some of you may be thinking, what is wrong with some chipper enthusiasm for life? Doesn’t it make for a nice break from being suicidal?

The problem, for me, is that it’s never reality. I want these things. I’ll start to make steps toward them. And then within 3 days max, it’s all gone and I’m left with a barely begun, major project. Sometimes money has even gone toward it, like my painting plans. But it’s done and over and nothing left but a terrible regret and sense of burden.

So no. Decisions made from brief moments of happy feelings are not the ones I must pursue.

UPDATE: I’ve drugged myself into sleep 2 nights in a row now. And “Joe” and I are getting along fine, no harm done. And I find out my tongue biopsy results later TODAY. (And the sun is soo bright and warm today.) So these are all reasons for some chipper-ness!! ⭐️☀️⭐️☀️⭐️

UPDATE x2: Also, I might have a tele-guitar lesson tonight!

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