Please make it stop.
Please make me be normal.
Please remove the fixations.
Please let me spend a normal amount of time thinking about the people in my life.
Please let me spend a normal amount of time on a given subject:
* In thought
* In voice
* In writing to you
* In sharing with you
When I’m on my topic, I carry it too far. I bore you. I don’t WANT to stop midway — I MUST COMPLETE THE TOPIC AND BE AS THOROUGH AS POSSIBLE AND DESCRIBE EACH DETAIL THAT I CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF. Because I haven’t done it justice otherwise. It simply isn’t the topic until it’s complete. Let me finish. Please let me complete it the thorough history from start to finish… no matter the length of time it takes…
Oh. Nobody’s there anymore. Right. Maybe you haven’t gotten up and left but your mind is elsewhere. I went on too long. I thought, since you shared something on that topic, I could share on that topic too… Except, my contribution won’t be brief. It’ll be… a complete set of encyclopedias. in essence. Bound properly and kept together in order and lined up flush with all the others in the set.
There are reasons I don’t maintain friendships.
If I get my watch band fixed (my electrical tape fix no. 1 finally came apart again), maybe I could start setting a stop watch for myself. Only share what I can cram into a 5 minute period of time, or something. Even if you shared for longer, I must not. I just need to learn this. Why must it feel so impossible?
I won’t let it be impossible. I’ll fix my watch and use it. I’d have to actually abide by the timer. Summarize. Give only partial stories. Give only a few of the video clips I was excited to pass along. Give only a part of the information, regardless of not knowing which parts are the most important to share.
Of COURSE it’s easier to just give up. But I’m on an hour of clonazepam now and I’m listening extremely loudly (unusual for me) of my No 1 grounding song (You can find it on my music-by-mood page 🙂 ), Karma Police by Radiohead. It’s been playing over and over again for up to 45 minutes now.
WHY must things be brief and in bite-sized formats. I know, nobody cares about your rice dish that you love so much (no, I can’t remember the correct quote, so I’m paraphrasing). Nobody wants to try it or hear about it, even though you love it so much.
[Update]: Let me move on like a normal person off of the first topic and onto whatever the new topic is. And keep that all light and fluff and be ready to move on to what comes up next.
Just let me tell my story. I have so much I want to say still. The story is still incomplete. I know I bore some of you, but there is so much left. So much. At least I have this blog and if you want to turn off email notices, you have that option. If you want to unsubscribe, you have that option. But I’m not done telling my story yet.
I know I was unable to write it all out in chronological order, which would of course be my dream for it, but just getting it down at all will be just shy of a miracle. Thank you to all of those who try to bear with me.