OCD and Asperger: Fixations (Topic#045)

Please make it stop.

Please make me be normal.

Please remove the fixations.

Please let me spend a normal amount of time thinking about the people in my life.

Please let me spend a normal amount of time on a given subject:
* In thought
* In voice
* In writing to you
* In sharing with you

When I’m on my topic, I carry it too far. I bore you. I don’t WANT to stop midway — I MUST COMPLETE THE TOPIC AND BE AS THOROUGH AS POSSIBLE AND DESCRIBE EACH DETAIL THAT I CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF. Because I haven’t done it justice otherwise. It simply isn’t the topic until it’s complete. Let me finish. Please let me complete it the thorough history from start to finish… no matter the length of time it takes…

Oh. Nobody’s there anymore. Right. Maybe you haven’t gotten up and left but your mind is elsewhere. I went on too long. I thought, sinceΒ you shared something on that topic, I could share on that topic too… Except, my contribution won’t be brief. It’ll be… a complete set of encyclopedias. in essence. Bound properly and kept together in order and lined up flush with all the others in the set.

There are reasons I don’t maintain friendships.

Very chaotic line charts

But I haven’t finished telling you every detail of the complete story yet!!! (Photo credit: Game Design Concepts)

If I get my watch band fixed (my electrical tape fix no. 1 finally came apart again), maybe I could start setting a stop watch for myself. Only share what I can cram into a 5 minute period of time, or something. Even if you shared for longer, I must not. I just need to learn this. Why must it feel so impossible?

I won’t let it be impossible. I’ll fix my watch and use it. I’d have to actually abide by the timer. Summarize. Give only partial stories. Give only a few of the video clips I was excited to pass along. Give only a part of the information, regardless of not knowing which parts are the most important to share.

Of COURSE it’s easier to just give up. But I’m on an hour of clonazepam now and I’m listening extremely loudly (unusual for me) of my No 1 grounding song (You can find it on my music-by-mood page πŸ™‚ ), Karma Police by Radiohead. It’s been playing over and over again for up to 45 minutes now.

WHY must things be brief and in bite-sized formats. I know, nobody cares about your rice dish that you love so much (no, I can’t remember the correct quote, so I’m paraphrasing). Nobody wants to try it or hear about it, even though you love it so much.

[Update]: Let me move on like a normal person off of the first topic and onto whatever the new topic is. And keep that all light and fluff and be ready to move on to what comes up next.

Just let me tell my story. I have so much I want to say still. The story is still incomplete. I know I bore some of you, but there is so much left. So much. At least I have this blog and if you want to turn off email notices, you have that option. If you want to unsubscribe, you have that option. But I’m not done telling my story yet.

I know I was unable to write it all out in chronological order, which would of course be my dream for it, but just getting it down at all will be just shy of aΒ miracle. Thank you to all of those who try to bear with me.

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12 thoughts on “OCD and Asperger: Fixations (Topic#045)

  1. Small talk is overrated. πŸ™‚
    Thank you for inspiring me to get my music sorted today. I have my “UP” music, “BEAUTIFUL” music and a “theme song” that I cannot pronounce in English but that doesn’t matter. I found it on a plane so it must help me soar.

    Liked by 1 person

    • By “normal” I mean, I was feeling desperate to stop losing friends. Maybe I seem okay-ish online? But face-to-face, there’s a reason I don’t keep friends. But I’m going to damn work on it! I certainly do things not “normal” enough that I end up alienating a – LOT – of – people. In my whole life, I’ve very rarely had friends anywhere near my own age. I just can’t seem to make it “work”. But I WANT friendship. So I want to be “normal” — as much as necessary to fit in and keep friends, anyway.

      Or better yet, find the special people who I already would click with. But they’re so few and far between…. at least I can find them online here in WP a bit. πŸ˜€ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wrote a long reply and suddenly it disappeared! Bloody phone app! I hear you.
        I think WP is a great way to get in touch with people that understand because of the tagging system – people will find you.
        One question for you – do you tell people why you alienate them? I mean do they know what to expect from you? Does it help if they imderstand why you do whatever it is that you do? Because in my experience it helps a lot. It buys you some lenience. The people who have stood by me are the ones that I’ve talked to and explained stuff to. The ones that don’t hang around are friends you don’t need
        I know its a lot more complicated but ultimately that’s what it boils down to. Understanding.
        Sorry if that’s stating the onvious or over-simplifying. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    • Oh man!!! I hate when I’ve written something out and it disappears!! :O
      Thank you so much. Actually, no, I typically don’t give people any heads up about why I might act a bit differently than what they might be used to. After my Asperger diagnosis, I was cautioned over and over again not to share that with people, actually. I was cautioned:
      1. Some people will avoid me / be uncomfortable around me.
      2. Some people will take advantage of me / use my then-excessively-trusting nature to take advantage of me.

      So there are other options. People have lately, in the past several months, suggested to me that I could use other ways of letting people know that I might behave differently than they expect and I mean no offense. For example, my therapist said I could tell my then-new coworkers that I am “shy”.

      So it seems that if I could find the right mixture of non-scary words to share with others, it just might work for me. But I don’t know that magical mix of words yet.

      I’m very glad you have found some success.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ah, now I have a much better understanding of your scenario.
        You’ve explained a lot more there than is apparent from just reading your posts, as you hinted previously writing does not reveal your behaviour in person and we just don’t see that here. πŸ™‚ Your advisors know what is right for you.
        The ‘shy’ suggestion sounds like a possible good idea.
        For me I was referring to explaining myself to trusted friends when I have behaved in a way that left me feeling isolated by my own childish or emotional behaviour in a group for example, and rather than just leave it feeling awkward (for me mostly!) I’ve spent time putting into context how I felt after the event and apologising for reacting that way.
        So now not only would they know, in a similar situation, that I might go off the rails and have a ‘tantrum’ now and then but they’re more likely to avoid putting me in that situation in the first place!
        But I’m not AS, just a bit emotional sometimes, and I’m big and ugly enough not to be vulnerable as you might be.
        It certainly helps with family and close, trusted friends for them to gain some insight into your behaviour though.

        Like

  2. You know what? In the “real” world, whatever that is, if you have 3 friends, you have at least 1 more than me. But in the Blogosphere, I have you, and a few other people I think of as friends, and everybody seems to think I’m “normal”. So you see what I mean? These words don’t really mean a whole lot. All I know is, at least once a day, I check my mail list to see what you’ve gotten up to (or on some days, if you’ve gotten up πŸ™‚ and I don’t do that because I’m bored, I do that because I’m interested. So if you’ve got details to get out, get them out. Something could happen and I might not get them all read, but probably I will. I usually do. Because I find them interesting. So there! πŸ˜‰ Read you later.

    Like

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