First appointment with my new psychiatrist today (Journal#053)

I had therapy this morning. I’m not sure how I got out of bed and made it only um, was it 15 minutes late? Still, that’s pretty amazing. Especially considering that at the time my appointment should have started, my uncle (who is my ride) was out front washing dog poo off his shoe). LMBO. I did not hurry that process along…

Wow, it’s really sad but I don’t remember much from therapy today because I was so tired. I remember birds that I wanted to photograph but didn’t, and I remember encouragement to locate/test-bike/try volunteering at an animal shelter. ❤ But I’m kind of forgetting a lot of everything else we talked about today, which is really sad.

Then I went to work. I’ve been trying to avoid coffee but I wasn’t going to make it through an hour without trying caffeine. So I did that. I stayed awake. I was actually somewhat productive, and I felt really good about that. I wrote myself a list of to-do’s for tomorrow at work, broken down into bite-sized pieces so I should actually be able to do them, regardless of my mood/productivity-level.

Okay. So I left work early, and walked quickly to my psychiatry appointment. I have had some misgivings about meeting her because her initial paperwork was very money-focused. I mean just about every packet explained yet again how many hundreds I’ll owe if I miss an appointment without calling like a week in advance (well, the amount of $ and advance time is in direct proportion to the length of the missed appointment). Sheeeiiit. I will have to wait and see if this happens. In the past, I have simply quit the person then and there. Even though it was my fault for missing the appointment. But I can’t justify wasted money like that. But yeah anyway, I’m getting stuck on the money part again.

ANYway, so I was ready to quit her just from reading through half the paperwork (I gave up after the first half and didn’t look at the 2nd half). BUT it turns out she seemed very nice. From one appointment alone, I like her so far. Time will tell. But she seemed to listen well and she seeeeeemed to understand some things. She expects to meet with me again next week and have some kind of plan formed. I can’t. freaking. wait.

The part of all this that makes me the most hopeful of all is that I feel as though, somehow and somewhere and somewhen, she, my therapist, and maybe even my primary care doctor will try to figure something out for me. That’s never happened before. Dammit I’m crying again for the freaking 10th time in two days (is it a full moon or what?!?! Hang on, lemme check… | Hmm, 9 days left. Shouldn’t be having any mood swings yet. Anyway).

Yeah, so it’s kind of hopeful. I mean, I don’t want to get my hopes up but. It felt hopeful. I don’t want any part of new medications. I want to be done with the current ones. But, here I am, daring to hope. A bit.

Oh my God[] I want a life back. I want to be alive again and live and feel safe and be able to see my parents and my dog and my pony. I want some sense of normality and to feel alive and worthwhile. I want to feel capable(not exhausted) and productive and reliable and dependable. What if this is possible?


21 thoughts on “First appointment with my new psychiatrist today (Journal#053)

    • Following is possibly a boring TMI response:

      I thought I was tired enough to sleep without any medicine. I try to only take stuff for sleep maybe twice a week. Well that was stupid. I’ve actually been in bed for 5 hours now. That’s more time than I was at work earlier today/yesterday! I don’t know the “why” of not sleeping but I know my heart was beating too damn hard/fast, my jaw aches because I’ve been clenching it again lately, and my thoughts were too busy. And I absolutely couldn’t get comfortable.

      So after I read the article you posted/commented regarding internal time keeping, which was really interesting and totally distracted me from not sleeping :), I then got out some paper and scribbled out some really poor sketches. That was satisfying. And I emailed “Joe” my two winter haikus because he likes poetry, and it happened he was still up too, so we chatted for a couple of minutes.

      I feel calm right now, whatever the reason. I think I’ll sleep now. ⭐️

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I do hope you will soon be off meds – including the sleeping meds – I don’t think any of them are really good for our bodies. You ask what if it is possible? But of course it is. And when it is – you’ll have more time for yourself, enjoy yourself more, and won’t have to spend money on shrinks!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t suspect I’ll be going off of the meds any time soon. I hope so, but I suspect otherwise because she did ask how often I consider being dead and the percentage of time spent on that can be rather high. I am working to change that, though, which I think I made clear to her. We’ll see!


  2. I know you can do it, and I’m cheering for you all the way. That was a heck of a day, and I know that I always have trouble sleeping after a day like that. So I get up and check out the worms in their bins, and guess what? They’re not sleeping either 🙂 So what’s a guy supposed to do? I just answer mail until I get tired, and then give sleeping another try. So take care, and we’ll talk to you later.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG Wormies! ❤ ❤ Here I've been trying to figure out a pet I could have in my room with me at night… The dogs, I'm too allergic to (unless I was allowed to foster hypoallergenic dogs). Cats are nocturnal so HELL NO. Not doing THAT again! Hermit crabs, nocturnal. Fish filters are too noisy, except the super expensive ones, but they take up too much time every 3 months for cleansing. Birds, allergic. But WORMIES!!! I wonder if my aunt and uncle would go for that… Hmmm… 😀
      & Thank You!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • My mom still hasn’t dug down into the bottom of my vermicomposting bin to tell me if any worms survived my divorce time period (I wasn’t there and they were forgotten about for quite a while). I’ll get her to check for me one of these days; she does feed and water now, just in case.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Even if there are no live wigglers in that bin, my friend, there are probably lots of dried up eggs, and dried up worm eggs don’t die. They just lay dormant until you add a little moisture, and then they swell back up, and in 2-3 weeks, voila, baby worms. Feed like usual, and you’ll have a thriving bin in no time at all. 🙂 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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