Moral: I suck socially | “It’s Easier To Run” (Journal#043)

Truth

Truth

Update: The truth is, they speak the truth. You spoke the truth, my brother spoke the truth. It’s just painful to swallow. So ignore the rest of this post.

——

(I Suck Socially) And does that really come as a shock to anyone that it was my fault the whole thing happened? It was just pointed out to me that I had poor choice of people and timing to have shared inner feelings, so what did I expect but to have my brother respond so poorly?

Of course it was my fault.

But does that really surprise anyone either?

I want to give up. Life is easier mute. That is what I will do.

With a closed heart, I will never share my own opinions or feelings again.

I’ll simply lie. I’ll fake. With my heart safely closed behind a “Fuck You” sign, I will block you from any access to reality of me.

If only!

If only!

“You imposed your feelings on the room.” Well, it won’t happen again. (And I had TRIED not to cry but my brother kept going and going on things. I even did the smile and nod but he kept going until finally the tears spilled over. Yes, I should have walked away, in hindsight. Hindsight is My Life. Then I get yelled at for making future statements about myself based on past experiences “you’re just creating self-fullfilling prophecies”. No, I’m trying to protect myself from making the same mistakes again.

In 8th grade, my mom said one single thing that offended me. I was quite odd back then. I dealt with the one thing by telling myself I’d never talk with her again.

And I succeeded. I did not interact with her aside from a smile and nod and anything meaningless and passim that gave her no access to me at all. (A year later, she entered me into Family Counseling.) And after many months of that, I actually did open up one thing to her– that the counselor was really making me mad. I hadn’t experienced anger in years by then — only depression. She made me mad and I hated that. I ended up starting to rant about it all the way home (my mom driving me). That’s what salvaged my relationship with my mom. By the end of high school and ever since, she and I have gotten along BEAUTIFULLY. I can’t imagine not having her in my life.

So anyway, I have done this before. It’ll be harder now, because I’m in the habit of blabbing on & on about things to people.

I'm Toxic

I’m Toxic

“Toxic”. What I did was “toxic” in that environment. “It had to be.” Yes, I’m sorry. I’d take it all back in a heartbeat if I could. I’d have left, NEVER spoken, certainly

DO NOT TALK ABOUT MYSELF.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY LIFE.

EVEN IN AN INTIMATe family setting where I hardly ever see these people and I guess I wanted them to know what was going on in my life. Cause my dad didn’t know. It honest to God only started because I said I was getting upset over work. It all went feom there.  They were sharing stuff. It didn’t seem inappropriate to me to share too.

I want to go Home. Maybe I will.

My virus is going on week 2. My tongue thing is worse. I feel like a complete and total failure here. I could go Home and live with my parents and my dog and my pony again. The only thing that drove me from there and keeps me here is my fear of my ex. But frankly, my fear of this being the end of my life here is outweighing the fear of the end of my life there.

I feel out of control again. I’m not functioning in any part of my life even a little.

It's Easier To Run

It’s Easier To Run

I could pack up my bags right now. I could catch a train to the airport or close enough. I could buy a ticket and just go Home, within the day.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Moral: I suck socially | “It’s Easier To Run” (Journal#043)

  1. I know all too well the feeling of wanting to run. You are obviously a really smart person, and it must have really hurt you to experience such disapproval. Is it possible that your brother just made a horrible mistake, and may be feeling even more horrible about what he said to you? I just wanted to weigh in on the possibility that maybe what you said wasn’t as bad as the reaction your brother had to the conversation.;) G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s