I’ll Offend (Journal#042)

UPDATE: Well, I already feel guilty for this post. I wondered, would I have been so hurt if his gf wasn’t giving him this confirmation of his opinion of me? (She is a psychologist who studies schizophrenia.) If I picture him alone coming up with all of this, my anger vanishes. (Or perhaps writing it out helped a lot.)

But he is a sad person. He is on the brink of major, major life changes. If he wants to spend some time trying to “help” me get on the right track, oh well. I don’t wish him ill. I don’t want him to quit exercising and drink too much. I don’t want him to be back in an abusive relatonship. I don’t think poorly of his gf and I hope they stay together if they continue to make each other happy.

And if she WAS involved in confirming his opinions about me, well she wouldn’t be the first ill-informed doctor out there, believe me. (I’ve actually had a doctor of internal medicine suggest to me that I raise or lower my dose of Lexapro daily depending on how I’m feeling!!!!! I thankfully had already researched the drug enough to know a STEADY amount in the bloodstream is rather vital. But my point is, people are just human. They certainly don’t know everything. Even when they say it with AUTHORITY and like it is absolute truth. No. You’re just another, fallible human, thinking we know a lot about a lot when really we know a little about a little.

But I do not wish you ill and I am not dead for you. I don’t trust you right now, but I’ll try to ignore the bad, take the good.

Bloody hell I wish I could get some fucking SLEEP someday!$&@!$&@ And I’m pretty convinced the thing on my tongue is actually Death. I have yet to make the necessary dental appointment to have it examined. I’ll have to make more calls tomorrow.

Anyway, the original post follows:

——————-

1. I could buy a plane ticket tomorrow. No, I can’t. I have no travel visa. I could start the process to apply for a travel visa.

2. Where would I go? It would have to be someplace with free health care. Or, a place where I can just work on a farm until I die of whatever comes along.

3. Why was I born with allergies to plants and animals?

4. What will I die from? Will I die from ‘old age’? Could I possibly make it that long?

5. Will I ever live the life I grew up expecting to provide for my own grandchildren?

4. Will it be from disease? From within my own body or contracted from outside? Will it be suicide? Will I be fatally struck by a car tomorrow?

6. (Yes, six.) Will I always be a failure to my family? Will there ever be a day where I have succeeded? That would look like happy and independent.

7. Well fuck you, by the way (not you the reader). You can take your glorious opinion of me as a failure of a human being and burden to all mankind and shove it in your ear. That would be painful. Stop and think about it. Your eardrum would be damaged, at the very least.

8. If talking with you makes me feel that me dead or run permanently and anonymously away is the ONLY option, then why would I ever talk with you again?

9. You lost your sister. This is the first time it has ever happened but it happened.

10. Is it possible to run away to another country without a soul being able to trace where you have gone?

11. Is there just one way I can help the world before I am dead?

12. You are moving here shortly and will be working in the same city as me, close by, ironically.

13. But I won’t be there. Not for you. Perhaps not at all.

13. Some of what you told me is correct. Painful to hear, of course, but necessary. Motivating. Driving. A very different way of viewing a very shit thought pattern in myself and very shit choices I repeatedly make.

14. There will be change.

15. I just wish to God there was some way of protecting my parents. WHY does my mom have to be a feeler? WHY does she have to worry and care so much about us all.

16. Any choice I make now will hurt her. If I run anonymously, she’d be hysterical. Even if she knew where I ran, she’d be beside herself with worry all over again. Even if I just ran to live with different relatives.

17. But I wouldn’t, would I. That wasn’t a card in this deck. This is a Changed deck and family isn’t part of it.

18. Or you aren’t part of it but I put their cards back in.

19. And just how long have you been harboring this opinion of me? [This morning’s lecture was far too long to repeat. At least I didn’t cry this time. The room slanted again so I know I was under a great deal of stress but I wasn’t going to FUCKING cry this time.

You have the opinion that I have been coddled, taken care of, and “enabled” by EVERYONE AROUND ME EVER SINCE 2005, when I was incorrectly diagnosed Aspergers, which doesn’t even exist now, and even if I did have it, it would be at 1%.

Everything since then is me convincing myself and others that I’m helpless and everyone must do everything for me. My parents, my mom in particular, my ex husband. All enablers. All for the lies spun in my head for things I don’t have and I just act helpless because of believing in this so much.

My real diagnosis is Anxiety problems, and motivation problems, and having been enabled for so long.

You believe this? You want me to believe it? Fine. Yes, the diagnosis were wrong all along. Haha, the joke’s on me. Only fooling, everybody. I’m really totally average, completely capable of getting up, getting to work on time, cooking, cleaning, friendship, relationship, apartment. Oh hell, my own house. My own schedule, workout, work, sustain myself, it’s not hard, everyone has to do it.

In fact, the ONLY reason I haven’t easily made this my life yet is because I have no reason to, since my parents don’t mind me living there and I like being near them.

Once I realize that’s not an option, I’ll have my own house, steady career, take classes on the side, do my chores, have pets, friends, parties, adventures, get married again, raise kids, be active in the community.

And he mentioned CBT is all I need to accomplish this cease of my negative self talk and oh all the lies we’ve believed for so long now.

(BTW interesting how suddenly he knew of the existence of CBT, so obviously it was his girlfriend saying this to him. Obviously I didn’t pass her Aspie detector in the whole 5 hours we’ve spent together. So obviously that means it’s all been a big fuck up.

Oh yeah, and why didn’t I pass the Aspie detector? Because I feel guilt so often at slowing people down when they’re in a hurry, so I didn’t read the food bar label before I bought it, and it turned out to contain lactose so I couldn’t eat it in the end. So I didn’t buy food when we went to Walgreens for me to get some Zyrtec and pee and it never crossed my mind to also buy food because that wasn’t the stated purpose of the stop. I was shocked to find they had all bought some food, but am extremely used to being rushed along (um, by YOU, duh) so of course I wasn’t going to make a fuss about going back in for me to get food, although I did throw it out there but no one said it was okay for me to do, so I got in the car.

But since I can feel empathy, guilt for burdening others, whatever. Well nobody on the autistic spectrum can do THAT.

You know what? Keep your opinions to yourself next time, how about. Although maybe the Changes are necessary.

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