Complete. Meltdown. (Journal#041)

I had a complete meltdown tonight. I’m still not sure when I’ll stop crying, because my blood sugar is out of wack and it makes me very emotionally unstable. Every sensation in my body is off right now. It’s very hard to calm down.

I will explain what happened shortly, adding to this post once I’m done gettingv ready for bed.

***** Okay, I’m back.

I’m in bed, fairly sick to my stomach, with all the blankets on me and and my special, fuzzy one wrapped around me.

It was a wonderful day. It was my grandpa’s service and memorial today, and everything was so well done. The cemetery grounds are beautiful, the service was beautiful. The words were beautiful, and I’m very glad I went to that part after all. The memorial itself was a bit more chaotic but I got into the rhythm and I loved listening to all my relatives, including some I didn’t know I had. Everything was very well done and moving and I learned so many wonderful things about my grandpa.

The seed of my meltdown started there, where there was no “real” food I could eat for lunch or dinner (we stayed until very late). I ate a lot of sugar, grease, and starch. Then I saw the hummus at the end and used potato chips to dip into it (all other scoopers had gluten). I think I ate half or more of the hummus by myself, trying to salvage things. But it didn’t work. Oh yeah, just before that they had surprised me by saying they bought this box of gf cookies just for me! They opened them then and I felt it respectful to eat them. I had three. (Normally I would eat only 1. Two would be pushing it, and is basically suicide if I haven’t had “real” food first!) That’s on top of two chocolate-macadamia things and 1 sugared chocolate cherry sweet thing I’d already eaten earlier in the day!! Oh my god, no wonder.

Anyway, I had a HUGE meltdown tonight. I’m actually so much calmer now, but still feel sick to my stomach.

It happened after we’d made it back to my brother’s place (where I’ve been staying these few nights), and me, my dad, my brother and his girlfriend had all settled and were just chatting and resting and my dad was telling lots of amazing stories.

It was getting late and I don’t know how it happened but I started to complain. Sugar makes my world look black. I complained about my life and work. Mostly about how work is affecting my life. My brother reminded me of his earlier advice to look for a new job. (Why haven’t I kept at that?)

Then, I think he asked me what I wanted to do, or was interested in? I said one thought I’d had was to go back to school. He is very practical and pointed out that that’s not realistic without a job. I should get a job, a way of living in place, then take night classes or whatever.

I said I was hoping to apply to scholarships all over the nation and that I’d only go to school if I could get the scholarships, since I know I can’t balance a full time job and class/es on the side (I’ve tried before).

He pointed out that I’d already had the chance to be a full time student and that boat has sailed. This is when my meltdown started so I don’t remember the order of the rest of this too clearly.

I know he said I needed to focus instead on getting a job and setting up a life where I am supporting myself fully and not depending on any help from others (such as Mom and Dad, or like how I’m currently living with an aunt & uncle).

I’m missing something important that came before that. Because when he said this part, I’d already given up all hope of ever, ever bein able to do this, felt like a terrible burden, and wanted to run from my aunt and uncle’s place when I get back, just run away and break all contact with my family and just let myself die.

At some point, I was sobbing and saying how I’m not living in a structures-enough life. I can’t structure my own time and no one is helping me (did I add the more negative thoughts to that?).

Hmmm I’m so confused about the order of all this. I’m leaving out so much.

I know I tried to explain how I just don’t have that internal drive/motivation/whatever that other people, such as himself, have. I don’t have that, I never have, I never will. I tried to explain how much my TaskRabbit is helping me by helping me to get up on work mornings. How that’s the sort of thing I just don’t have internally, and will have to seek externally. And if I’m not allowed to ask for help, I don’t care, I’ll pay for it. Whatever it takes, but I wish people would quit expecting it to magically appear from within me because it ISN’T IN THERE.

I cried about the lack of structure in my current life. I cried about the upcoming move of my company and how I’m expected to somehow organize it and I want to have quit my job before then. (Ooooooohhhhhhhh. You know, I only just put that together AFTER typing out the word “ORGANIZE”. OMFG no wonder I’m so afraid of this move!!!!!!!  I’ve been told that I’m supposed to organize the whole office and the basement stuff for this move!!!!! Shit! And I’ve been stressing my fucking MIND over this! What a joke!!!!

You know what? I don’t need to explain any more about the meltdown or my depression or my job or anything. FUCK someone for ever thinking I’d be organizing for a move. Myself, maybe! Yes. FUCK myself for not seeing this for what it was all along. How much stress, worry, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness I’ve been experiencing, worsening every day that brings me closer to this move.

Nothing else is even relevant anymore. This has all boiled down to the single expectation I was allowing on myself for this move.

I have literally been able to picture the end of my life over this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and dread and I didn’t even know what it was stemming from. I thought I must be slipping back to a terrible depression / who cares!!!!! It’s no longer relevant.

I’m already feeling so much relief now that I’m picturing a big FUCK YOU to the task itself. There’s no chance in hell I’m going to be a part of it.

OMFG These memories are coming back. I had forgotten. You should have SEEN me trying to pack up my dorm rooms. Hilarious joke. My mom and roommate did it the first year while I.

Holy fuck. First year college when I agreed to switch rooms with someone across the hall. I had this HUGE shutdown partway through. I couldn’t think or move or function or speak. I finally went to a dark place down the hall and stayed and let other people move my stuff.

((Two friends packed and shipped up all my stuff after 2nd year college, but that might not count since I was already back home with Mental breakdown Number 1.))

You should have SEEN my childhood bedroom. Or my apartment. You want me to organize this move?! It’s such a JOKE! Why didn’t I realize the word “organize” from the start?!?!?! God this could have saved me a couple months of spiraling down farther and farther.

You know what it’s time for? It’s time for me to do a Topic post on a phrase called “EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING” (not tonight).

Just wow. My mind is blown. How could I have MISSED this this whoooole time?! God I have been SO STRESSED. SO FULL OF LOOMING DARKNESS AND DREAD.

I’m so thankful for this meltdown. Anyway, through sobs and shaking and sobbing and shaking, the only “rational” conclusion I could come up with by the end of the conversation was that tomorrow, I will locate the study materials I will need for the pharm tech certification. I’ll go back to pharmacy for now. I even know a place nearby that has a pharmacy with a really nice atmosphere amongst the coworkers (I don’t know if they’d hire me since that’s where I get my meds 😉 ). But regardless, there are two other nearby pharmacies, too. And I did retail for a year and liked interacting with the customers (it was my coworkers who stressed the shit out of me). Then later in life, I did 2.5 years in a mediset pharmacy and although I didn’t like the work as much as retail, I LOVED my coworkers and actually looked forward to work (until the massive program changes and mandatory overtime started, and lead into my mental breakdown Number 2).

So here I am. It was a rough night but actually, the pharmacy decision will be a good short term solution, and my decision to post HERE led me to the word “organize” which cleared up a whole hell of a lot of confusion. So I’m glad for this night.

(And the memorial and service was really as good as it could possibly have been. Very lovely and I finally let myself start grieving for my grandpa.)

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Complete. Meltdown. (Journal#041)

    • Thank you.
      It had some interesting fallout this morning amongst me and fam…. A lecture from my brother I won’t discuss now.
      Ugh.
      My dad is now dreading the rest of his visit with me. 😦

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s