Goodbye, Sleep (Journal#037)

Well, I have officially given up on sleep for tonight. My whole body is in pain still and my throat hurts. So, I took some pain medicine. Waited. Nothing. Now my anxiety has spiked as well, because I have to get up for work soon. But there’s no way.

So I’ve called it quits for tonight. I’m up now. I took some anti-anxiety medicine, finally, and am wrapped up in all three of my heavy blankets as well as my “special” soft blanket that I typically use as a pillow at night. It’s warm and soft and snuggly. It’s actually my adult security blanket. It’s the one I take with me on airplanes and basically everywhere. I also sleep with my actual baby blanket and special stuffed dog, but they stay in the corner of my bed because I don’t wash them anymore and I don’t want to breathe in any allergens.

The only time in my life that I didn’t sleep with my baby blanket and special stuffed dog was when I was married. I had them up on a shelf there for about a week, but then an incident happened where he had a severe rage/panic attack and he ripped up the journal we’d been writing to each other in and a bunch of other stuff happened that’s harder to explain, and after that I moved out all of my values and returned them to my parents’ house, where they stayed for six years. Even though he later apologized and taped the journal back together, and was genuinely sorry. His PTSD had been triggered.

Oh yeah. So I’m up here now, wrapped up and snuggly, and am eating my comfort food — a special granola that costs a fortune but doesn’t break down into sugar as quickly as the crap stuff. It’s full of nuts and seeds. Once I hit a certain point of the night, I start getting hungry again and can’t go back to sleep until I’ve eaten. But there’s no way for me to lay back down in bed now because of the anxiety, unless this half tablet really works wonders.

So my plan is to snuggle up on the couch once I’m done eating my delicious granola. I don’t plan on sleeping, but maybe I’ll try to meditate (any insomniac knows you can’t PLAN on sleeping; otherwise the worry over it will keep you up). And I’ll definitely have to call in sick to work tomorrow/in a few hours.


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