I’ve been asleep for about an hour and a half. Suddenly I am wide awake and in the midst of an anxiety attack. I have no idea why! I have taken half a clonazepam, drank some water, went to the bathroom, stretched a little, and am listening to soothing music. And I’m back here to document it. Because this was insane.
I was just wide awake and my heart was racing and I was going to have multiple GI issues at once and I kept trying to just calm down and stay in bed but it got worse and worse.
My cousin is here now; I can hear him talking upstairs with my aunt and uncle, who is pacing around like usual. Normally I find the pacing very soothing. But this time, every step was like more fear. I don’t know how to explain it. And of course, the usual, paranoid thoughts for the voices: As if they would be talking about me! But tell that to me in the midst of an anxiety attack (well, I DID tell that to myself: Of COURSE they’re not talking about me!).
And they’re not. When I went to the bathroom and got some water, I caught like three words. (All of this is pretty embarrassing to admit, really. I wouldn’t admit any of this crud except I’m trying to expose the underbelly. I WANT to get through all the layers of crap. I want to get to The Source and rebuild myself with some sense of Genuine Self.)
The music is helping. I’m definitely calmer. But I still feel like I could “be sick” at any moment. My stomach is hurting so much. I’m going to pull up the Ultimate distracter — some stupid Ali G interviews. 🙂
Update: Actually, it turns out I’m watching some Simon’s Cat: http://youtu.be/UhQ9HquDNEM
Update update: The clonazepam has kicked in and I’m feeling fine. Just some bad stomach and intestinal pain still, but no more anxiety, and I’m feeling sleepy again. I’ve watched a ton of Simon’s Cat episodes and I think I’m ready to try sleep again. Whew! 🙂