Rough nights, journal post (Journal#032)



My dreams have been so messed up lately. Partly, I think it’s because I’ve been in some pain (GI pain and muscle soreness/aches, who ever knows why). But I’ve been dreaming a lot about my ex husband and it is kind of rough. They aren’t the happy memories. They aren’t even from the marriage itself. They’re from the falling apart. There were some very terrible things that happened. I called the police on him probably four times altogether, although it didn’t help. He needed help but wasn’t accepting it at that point.

If I could wipe out certain memories, it would be everything from that time period. Some of it was so heartbreakingly sad. Some scary. So much intensity and terrible things happening with our emotions. Then comes in the guilt and sorrow. All kinds of yuck.

I would wipe it out, no second guessing about it. Gone. Poof. I don’t want this to be a shadow that follows me, out of sight but always in the corner. If a single memory ACTUALLY surfaces, I’m instantly on the verge of tears. Who wants that?! And how do you get the fuck RID of it permanently?

Normally I love my dreams at night. But these are not so fun. If I have two nights of them in a row, I get afraid to go to bed the third night, because it leaves such an awful feeling.

I’ve been SO TIRED lately, my uncle is suggesting I go back to being an hourly employee and just work half days!!!!!!!!! I will consider that. I’ve been going to bed within an hour of getting home from work lately, and I am just so tired.

BUT I’m also messing with my Synthroid dose lately. I can’t keep missing my antidepressants so I’m taking them altogether again now, in the morning. That means I am not getting as much Synthroid, because it binds to the other medicines and the food I’m eating. I am going to continue doing this and then eventually get more bloodwork done, and have my dosage adjusted from there, if needed.

And I’ve had a chronic sore throat for like two months. It goes away a little bit sometimes, but then comes back. I don’t know what’s going on with that. I tend toward a bit of paranoia so it’s on my radar of things to worry about (I’m 4% convinced it’s throat cancer).

Update: I’m 75% convinced it’s oral thrush, actually. Over the past two months, I’ve been swishing/drinking cider vinegar (diluted). YUCK. But within about three days, it seems to help each time. But then it just comes back, so I don’t know. I’m not smoking but I do eat sugars and I also tend to breathe with my mouth open at night (because my nose swells shut due to allergies). So there are two things that could contribute to it. But I don’t know. I broke out the vinegar again tonight, just in case. I’ve decided that if it does go away within three days but comes back again, I’ll finally see a doctor (who has $$$ or that?!). Every time it comes back, my throat hurts too, always on the left side only. When I drink the vinegar, it burns there, too, but not on the other side. The body is weird.

I probably shouldn’t have read through this entire document, but my 75% certainty is now about 25%. LOL

“A Guide To Common Oral Lesions” for dentists. 🙂


9 thoughts on “Rough nights, journal post (Journal#032)

  1. Sorry to hear that you are so tired. I wonder if a vitamin/mineral deficiency that is contributing. I had a friend who went through years of stomach problems, panic attacks, now he’s on probiotics, extra B12 and extra magnesium. He’s dealing with his stressful stuff (family/estate/banking) issues very well. So well in fact it’s actually odd to hear him dealing with everything so well. He said he did a lot of online research and found that magnesium was the last clue to ‘levelling him out’.
    I’ve also heard live yoghurt culture is good for the throat thrush. There are more natural remedies out there before you go to the doc$$$.


    • Apologies, I think this came out a bit like brain splatter:

      OMG I forgot all about that!! Last year, I actually bought a bunch of supplements. I left them all at home, though, when I moved rather unexpectedly. The only thing I brought with me was my jar of gummy (aka worthless nutrionally) multi-vites. (They’re so yummy, but you know most of whatever is in there is binding to the gummy treat and to each other, so I’m probably not getting a whole lot out of them but the yummy flavor). Wow, that was a tangent.

      Anyway, yeah! I had bought magnesium, iron, B12, some other individual supplements. I used to alternate what I took, so I’d get a couple of each every week. It was such an insane year, though, I couldn’t tell you if it helped or not.

      ANYWAY, I’m so glad you posted this comment, because I completely forgot that my doctor had TOLD me to take sublingual B12. And I haven’t been. So I should go buy some.

      (Ironically, buying supplements ends up costing as much as a doctor visit.)


    • Oh– And I can’t eat yogurt (well, I could eat soy yogurt, but it has to be the sugary vanilla-flavored stuff, which I think defeats the purpose in the end). But I could look into those probiotic capsules and see if they are lactose-free?


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