So a big part of the reason that I’m blogging now is to set down some of my stories in a fairly permanent way. It matters to me because I forget things in a way that’s hard to describe.
The worst time was when I went away to college in the first place. I arrived across the country, ready for college. Within the first two weeks, something was noticeable that was unlike the other freshmen there. I couldn’t remember my past. I could remember big things like my parents. But I couldn’t remember middle or high school times. People would ask each other questions about different experiences from school and friends and what not, and I was drawing a complete blank. I literally couldn’t remember. It wasn’t just like it was fuzzy and vague — it was literally not there. I couldn’t remember who I’d been before in a pretty big way.
On the plus side, that meant I got to start over on some things. Like I was NOT shy there. I did make lots of friends. I was constantly, CONSTANTLY active (I joined nearly every club I could; I had NO FREE TIME from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed). I gained 15% of my high school body weight. I had a huge appetite and ate things I would never have touched before.
I was excited, I was gregarious, I had motivation. I had little memory of a time before I arrived there.
Some things remained constant. I was still tardy a lot. And I was still always the last to leave a classroom. And I still had trouble finishing my projects by the end of the given time period. But I was very different.
So yeah, I am somewhat obsessive about knowing a full story. And if that ever happens again, I want to have a way to remember. I don’t care if I never revisit this again; at least it will be here. Something stable and solid in the Universe.
I’m scared shitless of it happening again. When I travel, it is only to visit relatives. Known quantities where the chance of my ‘losing myself’ is much more slim. Preferably my parents would be with me as well. I’m here at the moment and my parents are not. I could certainly, and I know I am changing somewhat. But so long as I don’t forget everything again, and I think blogging some things here has helped me to stay grounded somewhat. I just hope it won’t prevent me from growing, too. It’s probably a double-edged sword. [I don’t feel like going back through and making that somewhat grammatically correct.]
So those are my “Topic” posts, mostly. That’s mostly me trying to document a story I don’t want to lose again. The “Journal” posts are mainly just how I’m doing and carrying on in the meanwhile, while I get all the other stuff down ever-so-slowly.