Another Update: Not positive (Journal#020)

I want to turn this dog into a psychiatric service dog

I want to turn this dog into a psychiatric service dog. She’s the only one who can break through to me right now.

I had no idea how right I was when I posted that I could tell my mood was sliding and was going to be down for a long time.

It’s just getting worse and worse. I refrained from posting yesterday and it went even worse. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. Things are losing their point and purpose.

It begs the question… What the hell happened? I was stable for a long while! What the hell changed?

I hoped and was sure it was just a flu at first. Next, I was sure it was a sugar issue. But when I think about it altogether, it’s been consistently down and I’m alienating everybody. I really screwed up this whole holiday. I’m getting more and more irritable and cranky. I talked with my mom. She said she’d have called it PMS except of course it’s not the right time of the month.

My mom wants me to get to a psychiatrist ASAP. I don’t have one yet. I need to find one fast. Because the negative thoughts are already getting pretty severe (I give up on life pretty easily). And I ruined this whole vacation with my cousin visiting and my brother visiting and a bunch of relatives on the other side I’ve only just met.

My only other theories, aside from flu and sugar, is maybe I’m deep down sad that I wasn’t with my parents this Thanksgiving? Anything is possible. Also, my paternal grandfather died today. After I heard, I fell asleep on my floor for half the day. It was not a surprise death. He has been mentally dead for over a decade (severe altziemer’s) and was just recently having a lot of trouble with a urinary tract infection and pneumonia. He got moved into hospice just yesterday or something. Today he passed away. It is still very sad, although it was not a surprise and in some ways is a blessing. Because he wouldn’t have wanted to live like that, you know? He had a DNR and everything. He didn’t have much quality of life for the past years, not any fault of the facility or family or anything, but he would just be placed in a wheelchair and sort of ‘walk’ his feet around and around this stairwell all day, not seeing or thinking. It was very hard to see. We all love him very much. And we always will. We all always wanted the best for him but his mind had other plans. He was the gentlest, kindest man. I do wish I could go back to my childhood just for a week, just to visit them again for a week. But the memories are still with me, so I can sort of do that.

Anyway, I was down before I learned about that. I am accepting it now. It’s not a flu. It’s not just the excess sugar (though that didn’t help, believe me). I just have to accept that my depression is flairing up and I need to take life more gently and not hold myself to the same standards. Maybe I slept half of today and maybe I botched the entire family visit but I can’t hate myself for it, as easy as that is to do. I need to relax and rewind and start at the beginning again. My mom is going to call me in the morning tomorrow to help me get to the Meditation Center again. Although my cousin is leaving tomorrow morning, and I want to be with him all the way to the airport, I think it is healthy for me to attend the Meditation Center. I am much more depressed than anyone here knows.

They know I’m “in a funk” and irritable but I don’t think they could know the amount of hopelessness I feel. My uncle did mention it tonight, that I’ve been in a funk for days now and what’s going on. He wants me to go see a psychiatrist too, although he still hopes I’ll go off the medicine. That sure as hell isn’t going to happen now, sadly.


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