Venting; might want to steer clear of this one (Journal#019)

Hypoglycemia: A Hidden Hell

**UPDATE x3** It is confirmed. My cousin confirmed that those sweets last night were loaded with sugar!!!!!!!! Gah!!! No wonder!

**UPDATE x2!!!!!!** OMFG I just realized something. I had four deserts last night!!!! I ate the vanilla almond-cream for myself, and had a little more than usual. But then my aunt’s relatives were sharing these AMAZING sweets from China and I had 3 of them. They were made of rice and bean paste so I thought they didn’t have sugar content.

But I feel like SHIT today and am dragging and feel drugged and hung over and everything is BLACK.

I had too much sugar!!! That’s why my emotions went so far off scale. I’m hypoglycemic according to one doctor, called pre-diabetic according to another. My body doesn’t handle loads of sugar well. I get all kinds of out-of-wack. My pancreas over reacts and pumps out extra insulin and tucks away ALL the sugars from my bloodstreams. It overreacts. Just like my mood in response…haha. I’ll have to look up how that all works again.

So basically, y’all did hurt my feelings last night and I felt left out like I was an insignificant speck of dirt on a dog’s butt, but my extreme REACTION and crying and wanting to run away, I think was sugar-laced. I still physically feel TERRIBLE today, just like I was sugar poisoned. Damn. Gotta be more careful.

**UPDATE (first update)** It’s a while later now. They’ve gone to bed from their private party. I did not say goodnight or anything to them; I was hiding in the dog room and they did not see me. I texted with my mom for a while and she tried to calm me down (but couldn’t). Finally I pulled up some Jimmy Kimmel street interviews and then some stupid Ali G interviews, and I feel much better now. Well it helps that there’s no longer a private party going on above me. That I used to be invited to but have since had my invites revoked. But at least I can think about it calmly and rationally now. I did have a good cry, too, which maybe helped regulate my body chemicals? I don’t know how that all works. Something worked and I’m calm now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep but at least I’m not on the verge of running away at present. I’m not going to post tomorrow, by the way. Just because.

—-Original post follows——

Autumn Tree

Autumn Tree

I am upset. You might not want to read this. I haven’t decided what to screen out of my own words/thoughts yet. Rest assured, the following is just a self-pity party of nonsense.

I am upset. I talked with you for forty minutes last night about the hurt I was feeling on That Topic, and how left out I feel, and all sorts of how screwed up I feel on That Topic. I TOLD you.

And you and he went upstairs to your private party and there you are, and he shared it all with you, everything he won’t let me touch anymore, everything he would talk with me about for hours on end only to decide it wasn’t good for me after all and I can’t. But you can. And he can.

Like I’m the child living under this roof and I can’t speak up for myself as an adult because of it.

I’m so blessed to be here and there are a thousand positives, but this ONE. THING. ALONE. makes me want to leave.

I’m healing here, I KNOW I’m healing here. But maybe I’d heal somewhere else, too. Maybe this is not healthy for me. I don’t know how to deal with the downs. I don’t know how to deal with the hurt. I don’t know how to deal with being pushed aside like I don’t matter. Like I don’t exist. Like I wasn’t the one who started the whole damn thing.

I’d rather you throw rocks at me than do this. Behind my back, like I wouldn’t even know. Or like I don’t even matter.

Or you’re both just so selfish that you really don’t think it would bother me, you’re just living your own lives and doing what you want to do and I didn’t cross your mind, so how can I feel left out when it wasn’t considered for me to have been included.

I KNOW I’m over-reacting but it hurts so damn bad.

Maybe there is just something wrong with me today. I didn’t connect with anybody at all today. I don’t feel like I belong and I want to run away. I want to crawl into a hole and die. Maybe two nights of clonazepam contributed to my not-connected feeling? I did go on an awesome walk today with Maddy and my aunt and cousin. I really enjoyed it, but I also couldn’t shake the worry that I’d invited myself on the walk (I did invite myself) and that maybe they had been wanting some mother-son time alone.

How can I have felt so middle-of-the-road so recently, and now feel so low? It’s not healthy. I’m doing something wrong.

I have an ISSUE with feeling left out. That I REALLY need to work on.

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