Weekend Update (positive and) Meditation! (Journal#015)

Flowers

Flowers

I had a really, really good talk with my uncle last night. He was pissed to learn that I’ve been thinking about my ex all week, but we had a really good talk. I needed that.

So it’s the weekend and my only plans are for cleaning/chores. I got up at 2pm but I’m not feeling bad about that because I have a sore throat and need the rest. Now I’m doing the dusting and helped my uncle with a honey-do he was asked to do this week. It’s sunny outside and I’ll stand out there for a while when I’m done dusting. ❤

UPDATE:
I MADE it to a MeetUp group this afternoon! And it was SO GOOD. I am SO GLAD I attended. I got out of bed 29 minutes before it started. My uncle drove me down so I could be somewhat on time. I thought it was going to be an hour or so, but it turned out to be a 5 hour special event! And it was so wonderful.

The focus was all on gratefulness and finding joy in things. The meditations were so soothing. After about 7 minutes into each meditation, my mind’s racing thoughts started to subside and I was able to focus on the sentence.
There is nothing I dislike.
Can I bear this happiness?
There is a storehouse of treasures that opens on its own. I can use whatever I want, whenever I want. (I’m summarizing)

One of the teachers had us do an activity. One item was to write down five challenges we are or have faced in our lives. I did so. The next activity was to write down how we felt while writing down those challenges. It was startling! ALL of the relaxation of the afternoon had gone away the very instant I started to write down five challenges. My neck and my shoulder muscles tensed up. My thoughts started to race again. My breathing sped up! I was flooded with anxiety! It’s amazing to think that that’s how I’ve been spending my days.

I am definitely going to attend more of these sessions. It was sooooo positive. The people were SO accepting and SO inviting and welcoming and SO nice and really genuinely looking for the positives in things.

I shared to the main group, too. I was worried I shared too much but afterward, one of the teachers approached me and thanked me for having shared something so personal, and that it really helped the group to have someone share like that so early in the session. Wow. See, they were asking everyone to share something they are grateful for right now. So I said, I am grateful for my aunt and uncle for taking me in. I said that I’d been in a bad relationship that ended with him buying a gun so I can’t go back there (everybody laughed at that point; so I said, I was trying to think of how to summarize it quite briefly. I was laughing then, too), and my aunt and uncle were so generous to invite me in and tell me over and over again that I am not a burden and that I’m welcome to stay here as long as I need. I almost started crying while I was talking.

When we broke into small groups and I shared my body’s reaction to the mere thought of my “challenges”, my small group asked me to share a challenge. So I said making friends here. That it’s something that affects my every move, even having attended this session. Anyway, it was interesting. They suggested that I am too hard on myself for not having acheived these goals yet, and that I should break it into smaller pieces and celebrate the small successes, like having gotten out of bed and attended this session. I’m not explaining a lot of it, but it was really interesting.

There is so much I want to work on and practice and this gratefulness and trying to let go of my self-hate speak is really going to be a big part. You know, one of the guys, after my talk, had said he had an experience with a father keeping a gun in the sock drawer and his bad relationship. But that now, decades later, he was actually looking back the other day and felt glad for the experiences and glad to have had that in his life and as a part of him. It’s like, I don’t recall a mention of forgiveness, but yet that’s what it felt like to me. Forgivness to others, forgiviness to SELF, but more just acceptance. Acceptance for things exactly as they are in this moment, and gratefulness for having had the experiences and learned from them.

But I have to also share something that a few of you might find funny (those of you who have read the previous post/s on this): I found myself drawn to one woman in particular. She spoke with me right away during the first break, and made me feel very welcome there. But the hilarious part is at the end, she opened up a lot about her anxiety disorder and how her doctor made her attend these meditation groups because she refused to prescribe her sleep meds otherwise. And how her doctor isn’t helping her with her anxiety at all. And more stuff. … Anyone seeing what I am seeing? The one person I really felt comfortable and safe with was the person with the severe, untreated anxiety disorder there. I’m telling you, there is something so strong in me, I dont know how to change it. All the other people there made me quite anxious & shy to speak with. I wasn’t anxious to speak with this woman. But she also said that if needing a ride is what keeps me from attending, she wouldn’t mind giving me a ride home and stuff! Super nice people, super nice place. And the lunch meal was vegan and gluten free (and delcious)! ❤

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