Nightmare-inspired (Journal#009)

Bird in motion

Bird in motion

I get nightmares whenever I have a stomach ache at night. I’ve had stomach aches for the past week or so, and with it have had some really terrible nightmares. I finally used my new sleep medicine again last night, and I slept through the night and don’t recall anything negative in my dreams. I don’t mind a solitary nightmare, but when there are multiple ones on multiple nights, I get a little avoidant of heading to bed. They leave such a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. One of them actually focused on an old obsession of mine, that took me about 7 years to get past, so I was really concerned after dreaming about that. But I’m fine / it did not cause the obsession to rekindle, thank God. Then I also have had a nightmare about my ex husband, but it wasn’t based on our real life together, it was based on the aftermath of when I completely decimated our relationship and he ended up in the psychiatric hospital. Normally I love sleep and I love my dreams. But I don’t want these ones on my mind. My stomach aches had better go away soon.

I called the police station on a homeless man yesterday. I’m no doctor, but I feel like he’s going to need his legs amputated. They are literally rotting. I’ve seen him before, but yesterday they had open wounds too, which I hadn’t seen before. I hope they are able to treat him. How could they? He was talking to himself and his legs are rotting off. There’s no way he could follow through on a treatment, unless they kept him in the hospital until he got all healed. How can a person get any treatment without medical coverage or money, anyway?

My work day was pretty good yesterday. I stayed nice and busy just about the whole time. I like to feel productive because part of my sense of self worth is derived from doing a good job for other people. I know that’s twisted, but it’s the facts. It’s one of the few things that drives me. It’s all based on how I feel about the person I’m doing it for.

I used to be super loyal. I used to latch on to a person and follow them to the ends of the Earth. I used to jump if you said jump, without asking why. It’s funny because I’m the opposite of that now. I’ll like you and within that I’ll do anything for you… but give me just one look or make one movement I can’t interpret and I’m instantly detached from you and throw up one million walls.

I never really fully attached to my ex husband. We were married for six years but right before we got married, a really bad situation came up and my trust went out the window, and we never actually dealt with it. That is really kind of heart-breaking to think about. We had a lot of good. We had a little bad. But I’m at a different place in my life now and thinking about it will only drive me completely insane. I feel a lot of sorrow on that topic. But there is no use dwelling or analyzing or wondering what could have been. It’s over now, regardless of the reason.

That was yesterday and today is brand new. I’m changing and my life has completely changed. Everything is new and different and somehow, that reality is not my reality. It’s just a dream that’s in my mind / some distant memory that may or may not have really happened. Other people choose to verbally remind me of it now and then, and sometimes it’s a really strange experience. Sometimes, I’m so far distant from that reality, I have to really stop and think for a second to remember what they’re talking about. Then it’s horrible and I remember my actions and what happened and the pain. So. I’ve made a little box for it in my head. If you’ll let me, I’ll just place all of those dreams into the box and push it into a corner for now.

My brand new life is here and now, regardless of past decisions. It only matters what I do now and how I build THIS life.

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