Fear of success or fear of failure (Journal#005)

The Birds

The Birds “This just shows what I’ve always known, that the best things in life are free.” –my dad’s response when I emailed him this picture

Ever since I realized that “followers” receive an email every time I post, I have been trying to post less frequently. But today I realized that what that really means is I’m letting other people write my blog….just like I was afraid would happen. SO. I have to care nothing for whether or not I have followers, and not be afraid to scare people away or bore them to tears. Followers can come and go. It’s super exciting to see but I have to place no importance on whether or not anybody is reading this. The blog does me no good if I’m afraid to write in it!

I am sparing you the Goals, as well. I’ve made my goals a separate “page”, up near my “about” page. I think it will be best there, because I can see it all in one glance now. I’m experimenting on how to format it still. I’ve also posted a new page titled “music”, where I will start compiling lists of the music I’m currently into. It’s also an experimental page. Okay, so those are my blog updates! I have been very busy these past couple of days. At first, I wasn’t posting because I was trying so hard to spare you guys so many posts. But these past 2 days, I haven’t gotten to post just because I’ve been so busy.

I’m so, so very allergic to Maddy. I keep meaning to give her a bath but haven’t had time. I hope that will help, though. I would spend more time with them, but I’m too allergic. Just 3 minutes with them is giving me asthma for over 15 hours. Major bummer.

I have a lot of topics I want to write about. I’m getting a sort of block for writing it out, though, because people are actually reading it. I don’t want people to realize I’m a total phony so it’s safer not to write at all. I think that’s why I stopped painting, too. The last thing I painted made people go CRAZY. They thought it was so good, and tried to commission me for many more paintings. I think I got scared of failure, basically. It seems so unlikely that my paintings will ever be good again — it was really just a fluke that everybody liked that one so much. My normal paintings were just mediocre — I’m not being insulting toward myself — I think I have potential — but I have a LOT to learn. But oh my god, the response to that one absolutely killed me. I love and hate compliments. I think I quit flute for the same reason. That and it was SO uncool in school.

I’m super excited about this blog. I take pictures all day long in anticipation of posting.
Update: I finished another topic, “The Irony of ‘High-Functioning‘”.

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