KICK-ASS DAY! (Journal#004)


Flowers I bought for the dinner party

Last night was actually my first ever party! I don’t mean just a dinner party, but I guess I mean a party with some altered states of being (i.e. drunk), loud music, people dancing and being crazy, doing things that would be considered embarrassing the next day. I HAD SO MUCH FUN.

It included myself, my mom, my brother, my uncle and two cousins. My mom will drink a glass or two max, and I only drank a tiny bit. In advance of this party, I had told myself it would be okay to get wasted, but then when last night came, I didn’t drink a drop until after dinner, and then only had a little– just enough to feel it but no more. The reason is because I’m so scared of it making me depressed for 4 days after I drink, like what has happened in the past.

The rest of them had plenty and the dancing was so much fun, and the singing, and the music, and just being a part of something I’ve only ever heard about before. My cousins just make everything so POSITIVE and UPBEAT. My mom went to bed first, and after a while other people started falling asleep. I was still wide awake but eventually went to bed too, around 3:30a.

SO the start of the dinner party was a bit shaky for me. I hid a lot, out of sight. I visited the new gal (dog) a lot. There were SO many people. But eventually clicked in with a group of the people there. And we got to go on a walk afterward, about 10 of us!!! And I got to lead the new gal (dog in previous post’s picture). I’m just going to call her Maddy although that’s not her name. I’m so in love with Maddy!!!!!

Anyway, so now a bunch of us are going to go on a beautiful walk! And I’m NOT DEPRESSED EVEN THOUGH I HAD ALCOHOL LAST NIGHT. And I’m going to get to bring Maddy. ❤ Their other dog is still in the hospital, having so many tests run. It’s scary. Nobody knows what’s wrong with him still. But I hear his temperature is much lower today, so that sounds promising!

It’s going to be a kick-ass day today!

Update: So, it was a great day. The walk took hours, Maddy was SUCH a good girl, and I got to alternate talking with the three other people with me. We took another walk this evening, and my feet are very sore now. The only blip at all was that at one point, somehow That Topic got brought up, and my mood INSTANTLY crashed. I almost cried. This, after and during a WONDERFUL day. Is it just my jealousy/feeling left out? Is it just because what was supposed to be ‘our’ thing became yours alone? Or is there more? Because my reaction is insane in its strength. Is it partly because you have started to try and control my actions in This Topic? Oh, well. I will be putting an end to the topic soon. I almost did today but we were interrupted. I’ll just request to never speak of it again. I think that at this point, my reaction is too intense to be reconciled. I’ll need to just avoid in order to keep my mood stable.

BUT I no longer feel alienated from you. You talked to me about the antidepressants last night, and I feel secure again that you respect me. Everything feels at peace now. Of course there are a million loose ends and things in progress, but when you respect me, I feel like I can handle anything.

These have been good days. I’ll definitely miss my mom and my brother’s presence. I might see my brother again soon, but I don’t know when I’ll see my mom again. Or my dad, who couldn’t make this visit. And definitely not my dog. I miss him to the core but he lives a very happy, loved life with my parents.


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