Today’s Goals: Party prep and stable mood (Goals#008)(Journal#003)

Halloween Dog

Halloween Dog

Today I have already:

  • Spent time with my mom
  • Done a LOT of walking (in the rain!)
  • Found a “tail” for my costume that is actually a dog toy and will be given to the dogs later
  • The older dog is very, very sick today and is with the vet. I spent some time with the new gal. I brought her a huge rawhide to keep her occupied by herself, too.
  • Admittedly, I bought the dogs witches hats for Halloween. I know the other dog won’t be home in time, but I’m assuming he’ll be okay by next Halloween. Also, once I’m done wearing my mask tonight, I’m just going to put on one of the witches hats myself. 😉 The mask is not comfortable, but was a gift to me from my brother.

Goals for the rest of today:

  • Vacuum main level …SUCCESS
  • Relocate any of my stuff that’s still on main level …SUCCESS, I think
  • Sweep garden walkways and front door areas …DID GARDEN WALKWAYS
  • Wipe down kitchen counters and main table …FAIL
  • Don’t get jealous later in the evening, especially when you and my brother plan to get wasted and have already indicated that I’m not invited to the upper floor at that point. But I know my brother needs your attention
  • Remember that I can count on you guys; I don’t need to feel left out at any potential points tonight
  • Work with the new gal again on “down” …ENDED UP WORKING WITH HER AND A GENTLE LEADER (nose halter) INSTEAD [I love her so much already, but am SO allergic]

Journaling:

  • Expect to be in the background somewhat during the party. There will be a LOT of people (17+).
  • My brother is jealous of me again right now, so I really want him to have more of the spotlight tonight. He needs the attention. I get to be here all the time now, and am somewhat stable, usually. He has recently gone through a horrible time in his life and doesn’t really know what he’s doing and blames the world for a lot of shit. If I could help him understand how amazing he is, I would. He COULD have everything going for him — he’s smart enough, has the social skills, the looks, the charisma, etc. He’s even got the high paying job. But he has an inner darkness that eats at him and tells him he’s no good and he gets self destructive.
  • I talked with my mom a lot today. We were walking together. I think it was all positive. I think she almost cried once when I told her how I no longer have time for people who think depression is just the sign of a weak mind. I think she was glad to hear I’m not taking these comments personally. But I also hope I didn’t scare her by mentioning depression at all. Actually, she brought it up because You told her I needed off the antidepressants. (Which of course I want, but I’m not ready for that yet. My therapist AND my new family practice doctor both think I need to stay on them for now). But I’m getting there. I’ll get there.
  • I love you. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot of love for all of you right now, total strangers I’ll never hear from and never meet. And I really appreciate that anybody might have the time to be listening to my ramblings.
  • He got upset by the gentle leader and the only reason I didn’t cry was that I was trying so hard to maintain in front of my mom. But really I was kind of crushed when you came over and unclipped it when I’d bought it and had it on her already. I knew you wouldn’t like it. I guess it’s my fault for not mentioning it ahead of time. But pup’s neck has a cut on it so I didn’t want to use the normal collar because she pulls so hard sometimes. Truthfully, I was hoping you just wouldn’t notice it and everything would be okay (i.e. conflict-free). I hate conflicts.
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