CON Weekends (Topic#010)(Journal#001)

Sleeping tiger

Sleeping tiger

[This post turned into a journal, which I dislike and had not intended. I’m debating whether or not to delete this whole post.]

Goddamn me and weekends. I’m so frustrated. I have fucked up every weekend for the past 4 months. I thought THIS weekend would be different but no. I actually had a plan but at 8a my anxiety was too high for me to get out of bed. At 8:30a I knew it was too late for me to make the bike group. I hate myself sometimes. So I stayed in bed and now it’s 2p and someone just gave me a reason to get up: we’ll go wash their dog at the pet store.

I have no fucking motivation for getting out of bed. I wish to God I did but I don’t and I never have and now that I live here, I’m supposed to be doing this on my own but I need help. But I’m not supposed to need help because I’m supposed to be heading toward real independence.

I was hoping to save some money by not having TaskRabbit call me on weekends too, but I’m going to have to hire somebody for weekends.

The only thing that gets me up on weekdays, for work, is that I have hired somebody to call me every weekday morning. She’s great. She talks to me only about pleasant things, nothing that will evoke anxiety, until I am somewhat aware of my surroundings. Then she encourages me to sit up, and eventually to stand up and gather my clothes for the day. I try to have them set aside the night before, but sometimes I fail.

For whatever reasons, I hate life in the morning. I wake up and often don’t remember what day it is, or what I have to do that day, or what my plans are, or what time I meant to get up, etc. It’s just this awful sensation and knowing that I’m comfortable under the covers, with my face pressed against my soft blanket.

Then I might remember things like having picked at my acne the night before (stress habit) and how inflamed my face is now, and how I don’t want anybody to see me today.

But mostly, there are no actual, tangible thoughts. Just a feeling of apprehension and dread about the day. And an inability to motivate myself out of bed.

{I used to be literally unable to turn off the water in my shower. I would try to reach for the knobs and my body wouldn’t move. It’s like I’d forget how to send a signal from my brain to my hand. I’d have to literally stand there until the water turned cold and then my hand would reach out automatically to turn off the water. I couldn’t bottle that feeling to use without external motivation, though!}

This is sometimes the same thing. I will tell myself to get up, I’ll intend to get up, I’ll have even made plans the night before. But when it comes to the moment of getting out of bed, nothing happens. The more I think to myself that I need to get out of bed, the more anxiety floods through me and the less likely I am to move a muscle.

I don’t know how people do it. Thank goodness my therapist told me about TaskRabbit. I will hire someone to call me tomorrow morning, so maybe I can salvage half of this weekend at least.

I’ll literally stay in bed until 4p without external motivation. (And the “motivation” can’t be anxiety-provoking. I have a long history of people trying to wake me up, over the span of my entire life, and trust me, yelling  at me, chastising me, guilting me, shaming me, getting mad or disgusted with me, threatening me, leaving the house without a word, pulling the sheets off me cold turkey, dumping the bed over, etc, doesn’t work! In fact, the moment I experience anxiety, which also happens when I know I’ve let you down again, like today, only makes me less likely to get out of bed. I want to just pull he covers up and enter into some weird twilight zone in my head where nothing exists and I just rest in darkness and fall back asleep and hope that none of this really happened, and wait until tomorrow when I can try to get out of bed again.

I’m going to get up now. I’m sitting up already, so that’s good. Hopefully she didn’t go wash the dog already without me, while I was writing this. But EVEN IF I AM ALONE NOW, I AM GOING TO GET UP, GET DRESSED AND EAT (and take the medicine I’m now very late taking), AND MY PLAN FOR TODAY WILL BE TO VACUUM THE HOUSE.

Okay, I am up, eaten, dressed and on route to the dog wash. I feel so yucky and gray and numb today, but that happens any time I stay in bed for so long. Must come up with a way to make mornings positive, even deep down inside of me. How do I wipe out 3 decades of negative morning experience?

It’s night now. I salvaged part of the day! I was there for a dog adoption. I took them on a little walk (the new dog has NO idea how to walk on a leash. She actually scraped my skin by pulling so hard). I did vacuum 1 flight of stairs and 2 levels.

But I learned that I missed 3 bike rides and at least one walk while I was in bed. I was then reminded to jump out of bed each morning, excited and ready for another awesome, kick-ass day. I said, it would help me if you would tell me when you’re going to go on a bike ride at a certain time; then I’d have some reason to get out of bed. But no: I have to learn how to get up on my own and be responsible and accountable for myself. Which is something I want.  And you just LOVE every day and can’t wait to get out of bed every morning. Which is awesome and I really, really hope to learn that. My mood plummeted a little then, because of my extreme jealousy for people who feel that way in the morning. I want that.

I really need to work on my jealousy. Why can’t I just live and let live and be happy for them, rather than the terrible feelings that leave me hating myself more?

And why CAN’T I feel that way in the morning?! I’m sure the power is within me somewhere, yeah? But I’ve never found it or tapped into it. I have been able to jump out of bed a few times in life. Like when I was little and waiting for morning so that I could catch an airplane to my grandparents. So I have FELT it before. But hmm. I wish I knew what I could do to make mornings tolerable for me.

Partly, too, I have a ton of anxiety about getting up too early. I used to be so exhausted all the time. So I developed a real fear of getting up too early. Especially when you consider that I wasn’t going into REM sleep until close to wake up time. I would be SO upset if someone tried to wake me even 5 minutes early. So one of my hopes is that I will gradually feel safe getting out of bed early, because I have been sleeping better lately.

NEXT DAY: So now it’s Sunday morning. I just got up and it’s noon. So that’s better than yesterday. I’ve been awake for hours because I had alarms set and I opened my blinds and I’ve needed to pee really badly. But every time I thought of getting up, I was flooded with anxiety and dread. How do I turn that around? What’s something positive I could focus on instead?

My plans for today aren’t bad. I’m going to vacuum some more, mop, and clean some sliding glass doors that are super dirty. I’ll also take the dogs for a walk. I hope to try some trick training with the new gal, since she’s SO food motivated.

Update: I am amazingly down today. I could cry right now, and why? I think it’s my jealousy issues, honestly, but I won’t say why yet. I just need to turn this around! I’m on a walk by myself, now. No dogs, because I need to go into a store. 😦

Update: I have successfully altered my mood. I took a little of my new medicine. I am walking in sunshine, listening to great music (nothing too “down”, as much I was tempted to listen to ‘Space-Dye Vest’). I am feeling SO MUCH better. It’s amazing how one of those moods can creep in uninvited. I’m now feeling a little content, and a whole hell of a lot more positive.

Update: I’m still feeling very positive. Whew! And I bought myself a vegan fudge pop to enjoy on the sunny walk back!

Update: I turned this m-fing day AROUND. After my walk, I played music loudly while trying to clean the glass sliding doors. Nothing would get that dirt off! We tried water, Windex, water-vinegar-soap mix, acetone, alcohol, and a razor!!! They look SO much better now but there is still a layer of weird gunk left to get off. Meanwhile, I got to chat with a construction worker here who is nice. He invited me to icecream afterward which actually sounded really fun, but I declined. I’m only supposed to go out with people who are not untreated-mentally-ill, and he has one thing in particular that makes me unsure he fits the bill (I promised my previous therapist!). Plus he’s twice my age. But it still sounds fun. Oh, well. I really need to make some friends around here.

Final Update for this weekend: (I did end up vacuuming 1 more flight of stairs.) I went on a walk tonight, the topic came up, and instantly I was transported to a very negative place. I actually cried a little. But at least I know now what’s bothering me so much. It’s this topic. It was supposed to be “our” thing but instead it’s yours. Every single day since the day you got your part, it’s been yours and I haven’t been a part of it. That’s why I’m so jealous. And feel so left out. And you tell me about it for literally an hour a day because you’re excited about it and I swallow down my jealousy and try to smile and nod along. Then if I suggest I participate, it’s rather frowned upon. No joke. Don’t you see it? I’m finding it really hurtful. So I tried to tell you tonight, on a walk, that I feel left out. I’m not sure you understood. But for me, even admitting out loud is something very new for me. I NEVER admit how I feel out loud if the feeling isn’t positive, but it was eating me up inside and I wanted it to stop, and I want to be healthy and have healthy relationships that don’t involve me constantly pretending to be some way I’m not. Instead I started crying, which I hid from you. I just want the topic to go away now. Don’t mention it to me anymore because I can’t handle my own jealousy. I really, really need to work on that. But sadly, I know the topic isn’t dead. I’ll hear it again tomorrow and all future days, unless I really insist out loud upon not ever discussing it again. But avoiding a topic can’t be healthy either, right? Frankly, it’s easiest to run away. Pack up and move somewhere else. Just keep running from problems that will come up again and again until I learn the healthy ways of dealing. So I’m going to try to stay put and figure these damn things out.

Superfluous Update: Aanndd the first topic of today (Monday) became…? LOL That’s right! The topic! Having written out (and attempted unsuccessfully to say out loud directly) my feelings on this topic last night, I dealt with it slightly better today. I still felt a ping of distance and aloneness, but it didn’t bring my mood down. I’m still psyched about today.

Important Update!!: Today, my therapist mentioned that she has talked with A LOT of people who have trouble in the morning, and she’s starting to sense that some people’s body chemistry is actually different in the morning! Perhaps their neurotransmitter aren’t fully circulating yet, or whatever may be the case. She said most of those people start to feel a little better once they move around a little. It’s food for thought. If I could get up early, move around, lay back down for a while, and have that do the trick, it would be amazing… I just have too much fear to get up early without getting to lay back down, though.

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