The desire for and fear of posting and reading blogs (Topic#009)

Zebra

Zebra

I don’t have the focus to complete the other topic seeds right now, but I’d like to say a few things about me and blogging.

I had a really nice day today, by the way. | (Does anyone else think of Maya Angelou every time they use the expression, “by the way”?)

Anyway, blogging is strange for me. On one hand, I LOVE the idea of getting to say whatever I want to say and having it actually be heard by assumedly somebody out there. On the other hand, I’m terrified that I will get to know my (future; nobody’s here yet 🙂 ) audience, and then will start slanting whatever I write toward the audience I think is there. Do any of you find that to be true? I want feedback and yet I’m afraid that feedback will shape the course of my writing. That I will begin to write about whatever generates feedback and avoid the topics that sit silently. So in a way, I wonder if it is best never to receive feedback. Or at least not for a long while. Not until I have figured out what I want to say and how to say it.

I am finding myself afraid to read other people’s blogs for the same reason. I’ve read a couple so far, and can feel myself experiencing a couple of things that I wouldn’t normally admit:

  • Intimidation. I feel your writings are so smooth and “real” sounding. I feel my writing is fake, pretentious, irrelevant, phony, stupid, poorly formed, poorly written, boring, topics I ‘shouldn’t’ have written about, etc.
  • Jealousy. Jealous that you can describe things so beautifully and put it all out there the way you do. Jealous that people respond. Jealous that you seem to have it all figured out, even in your down moments. Jealous that the way you write pleases other people and they are so able to connect with it.
  • Interest. I love reading about your life. I read every word and put myself in every scenario and try to understand…
  • Low slime. This goes back to the first bullet, but I can’t emphasize it enough. I end up feeling like low, invisible, irrelevant slime that shouldn’t even try.

So! I’m thinking I will stay incognito for now. I might still read a few other peoples’ blogs, but I’ll have to be careful. And while I desire and appreciate feedback, I might request silence instead. Because it will influence me. It will. I know this from previous experience. And the PRESSURE that develops! The pressure when you HAVE followers and you want to keep them and you want their approval and it changes everything about the way you write and what you write; you’re no longer writing for yourself. You’re writing for them. And right now, I really want to try to express something I don’t yet understand, and want to use this blog to do that. I can’t do that in a complete vacuum and I also can’t do that with too much influence around me. So.

**Update** I’ve had one idea. I can ask (future) people to respond if they would, but keep it strictly to non-content comments. For example, “I am listening.”

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