Today’s Goals: Party prep and stable mood (Goals#008)(Journal#003)

Halloween Dog

Halloween Dog

Today I have already:

  • Spent time with my mom
  • Done a LOT of walking (in the rain!)
  • Found a “tail” for my costume that is actually a dog toy and will be given to the dogs later
  • The older dog is very, very sick today and is with the vet. I spent some time with the new gal. I brought her a huge rawhide to keep her occupied by herself, too.
  • Admittedly, I bought the dogs witches hats for Halloween. I know the other dog won’t be home in time, but I’m assuming he’ll be okay by next Halloween. Also, once I’m done wearing my mask tonight, I’m just going to put on one of the witches hats myself. 😉 The mask is not comfortable, but was a gift to me from my brother.

Goals for the rest of today:

  • Vacuum main level …SUCCESS
  • Relocate any of my stuff that’s still on main level …SUCCESS, I think
  • Sweep garden walkways and front door areas …DID GARDEN WALKWAYS
  • Wipe down kitchen counters and main table …FAIL
  • Don’t get jealous later in the evening, especially when you and my brother plan to get wasted and have already indicated that I’m not invited to the upper floor at that point. But I know my brother needs your attention
  • Remember that I can count on you guys; I don’t need to feel left out at any potential points tonight
  • Work with the new gal again on “down” …ENDED UP WORKING WITH HER AND A GENTLE LEADER (nose halter) INSTEAD [I love her so much already, but am SO allergic]

Journaling:

  • Expect to be in the background somewhat during the party. There will be a LOT of people (17+).
  • My brother is jealous of me again right now, so I really want him to have more of the spotlight tonight. He needs the attention. I get to be here all the time now, and am somewhat stable, usually. He has recently gone through a horrible time in his life and doesn’t really know what he’s doing and blames the world for a lot of shit. If I could help him understand how amazing he is, I would. He COULD have everything going for him — he’s smart enough, has the social skills, the looks, the charisma, etc. He’s even got the high paying job. But he has an inner darkness that eats at him and tells him he’s no good and he gets self destructive.
  • I talked with my mom a lot today. We were walking together. I think it was all positive. I think she almost cried once when I told her how I no longer have time for people who think depression is just the sign of a weak mind. I think she was glad to hear I’m not taking these comments personally. But I also hope I didn’t scare her by mentioning depression at all. Actually, she brought it up because You told her I needed off the antidepressants. (Which of course I want, but I’m not ready for that yet. My therapist AND my new family practice doctor both think I need to stay on them for now). But I’m getting there. I’ll get there.
  • I love you. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot of love for all of you right now, total strangers I’ll never hear from and never meet. And I really appreciate that anybody might have the time to be listening to my ramblings.
  • He got upset by the gentle leader and the only reason I didn’t cry was that I was trying so hard to maintain in front of my mom. But really I was kind of crushed when you came over and unclipped it when I’d bought it and had it on her already. I knew you wouldn’t like it. I guess it’s my fault for not mentioning it ahead of time. But pup’s neck has a cut on it so I didn’t want to use the normal collar because she pulls so hard sometimes. Truthfully, I was hoping you just wouldn’t notice it and everything would be okay (i.e. conflict-free). I hate conflicts.
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Today’s Goals: SURVIVAL (Goals#007)

Building and tree in dark

Building and tree in dark

[Explanation of the following post: I have these two days off from work because my mom and brother are visiting. Meanwhile, we are also preparing for a massive Halloween party. There has been a lot of pressure on me to “show” my mom that I am doing well now, since the last time she saw me, I was just finishing a mental breakdown and having to leave state in rush. So I was doing very terribly last time she and I were together. It is a lot of pressure to try and show only positives to her, but that is what I was asked to do (not by her). I’ll tell you, though, that I am being more honest and up front with her than I was “supposed” to be. 🙂 And I think it is going okay. I think she sees that I really am doing better, EVEN IF NOT PERFECT.]

Today, my main goal is SURVIVAL. I don’t always do well with changes in routine or with different people around than usual.

Dear you. I miss you. I feel alienated from you. You don’t seem yourself. There is something wrong. Is it stress? Is it from this huge party? Is it the job location change? Impending resignation? Something different? You don’t talk with me anymore and vica versa, which is sad for me.

Dear me. I’m sorry. I want to protect you from your own mood swings. I want you to stay upbeat and focused. I know what you want to do with your life (animal rescue). I know that it’s impossible with your allergies. We’ve just got to come up with some new way of approaching it.

Stay strong. Let the people come and go. Let him say anything at all. Just stay on track. Do some of the following:

  • Vet appointment …SUCCESS
  • Call pharmacy and get script transferred …FAIL
  • Put away clean clothes …SUCCESS
  • Dust or vacuum main level …SUCCESS (dusted)
  • Mop …FAIL
  • Walk dogs …SUCCESS
  • Work on “down” with new gal again (I started last night and she began to pick it up!!!) …SUCCESS
  • Take a rest (which I’m about to do!) …SUCCESS
  • Showed my mom around the big city and my workplace! …SUCCESS
  • Try to spend time with my brother, who is also visiting right now …UNSURE

Other: I applied for renewed business license and signed contract for small job.

Today I learned: I’ve already gotten very attached to the new dog. She’s really, really sweet. Actually, I wish I weren’t so allergic to her. I would have her sleep in my room with me.

Today’s Goals (Goals#005)

Running me

Running me

First of all, I’m excited because of the self-rules I set out for myself last night regarding posting here. I am going to break my rule of 1-picture and 1-bolding per post. These daily goal posts will have all headers bolded.

Today’s goals:

  • Kick-ass workday (stay productive) …SUCCESS
  • Vacuum the downstairs OR dust the main level at home …FAIL
  • Wash my bedding …FAIL
  • Wash my laundry …SUCCESS
  • GREET MY MOM AND BROTHER WHO WILL BE VISITING ME THIS EVENING!!!!! …SUCCESS
  • Get to bed at a decent hour (before midnight) …SUCCESS
  • Submit contract information …FAIL
  • File for new/renewed business license (I let mine expire…yikes) …FAIL
  • Find local psychiatrist & schedule an appointment …FAIL

Today’s other accomplishments:

  • Attempted to “small-talk” briefly at the end of a phone conversation with a coworker when he called about a document.
  • Stood in the sunshine for at least 10 minutes.
  • Was quite social at work

Something I learned today:

  • There are an INCREDIBLE amount of cloud file syncing software available out there!
  • Some people’s set minds CANNOT be altered, in spite of all opposing evidence, and I must make a choice to pretend to agree and keep the peace, or continue to state my actual view. But both choices get me nowhere.

Today’s journaling:

  • This morning, I was rummaging around through dirty clothes, trying to locate my FitBit, and I came across two of my antidepressants. I can’t say which day I missed taking them, but I’m guessing this weekend!!! That would certainly explain all of my ups and downs and feeling so sick!
  • BLARG. A few frustrations today. Nothing I couldn’t handle. But I’m stressed over something I “should” be happy about. I’ve even taken 2 days off of work for this! But any change in routine makes me very stressed, even positive change.

New (or first) ideas for this blog! (Goals#004)

Water show

Water show

So after my week of experimenting with this blog, I’m deciding on a few things.

  • There will be (basically) stand-alone topic posts
  • There will be an option of a daily post. That post can include any or all of the following:
    • goals (that day’s and/or upcoming, with or without expiration dates)
    • IF there must be journaling, it will be restricted to the bottom of said page (and highly discouraged, because it’s not what I want to use this for)
    • anything I accomplished that day
    • any steps I too to work on things from previous posts
    • anything I want to work on in the future
    • something interesting or funny that happened that day
    • something I learned that day
  • I will CONSIDER stand alone goal posts, where I would continually update that post with whatever steps I take to accomplish it. I’ll have to decide if I’m going to post such things in a daily post, so by day, or in a goal-specific post. Hmm.

Today’s Goals (Goals#003)

Spilling plants

Spilling plants

Today’s goals:

  • Attend therapy …SUCCESS
  • Attend new doctor appt …SUCCESS
  • Go to work (stay productive!) …SUCCESS
  • Read more of my book …SUCCESS
  • Write my dad a postcard! …SUCCESS
  • When I come home, expect to be alone so I’m not heartbroken. This is where I’ll read. …SUCCESS (I don’t remember having written this bullet! But whatever. I wasn’t physically alone, just in essence, and I was a little heartbroken, but I am reading now and listening to fitting music: “Timetrap” by Nitin Sawhney)
  • Dust or vacuum a spot of house …FAIL

Additional Accomplishments: Pet the dogs and feel love for them.

PRO Hugs (Topic#014)

Giraffes

Giraffes

Hugs. Touch. Physical contact. I believe hugs are possibly one of the most important things in my life. I actually doubt anybody in my life knows it. My life is literally not worth living without the potential for some kind of platonic physical contact (e.g. a hug).

This is kind of weird because of my asperger diagnosis. If you’re familiar with that, you might expect me to avoid a lot of touch. Which I did. I never hugged my friends in elementary school, which was very common at my school. My best friend asked me once why we never hugged like everybody else did. I tried but it was very, very awkward for me. I did hug my mom goodnight. My dad is more on the autism spectrum than I am, and he did not hug me (which did not seem weird to me at all). I actually recall the last physical contact we had when I was little. I was younger than 5 years old, and I had asked him to read to me. We had done this before– I sat on his lap while he read to me. Don’t ask me why– it has NEVER seemed weird to me until this very moment as I type this out– but our seat was the toilet (with the lid down). On this particular day, I sat down on his lap and water started flowing out of the toilet. It must be that the toilet was clogged or whatever, but I believed we/*I* had broken the toilet. I was afraid of the toilet anyway. I didn’t ask him to read to me again for many, many years (sometime in elementary school, when he’d read my horse books to me [I’d be in bed already, and he’d sit somewhere in my room], often making up horrible things and I’d have to stay alert and notice when things didn’t fit in right, like suddenly two of the wild mustangs would fight to the death. I’d be horrified at first, but then we’d get a good laugh. I love those memories ❤ ).

Come middle school, our family’s dynamics were extremely complicated. I don’t want to go into it here and now.

But there came a point when my mom and I no longer hugged goodnight. I had no contact with anybody. This coincided with the onset of my first severe depression, but I am not trying to imply that one lead to the other. It was just very, extremely complicated. As middle school went on, I remember writing in my journal about how I had no potential for hugs at all. I was so lonely and so depressed. I wrote that the only contact I ever had was when people bumped into me in the crowded school hallways.

In 8th grade, I had one teacher who braved potential lawsuits and would actually rest a hand on students’ shoulders. Once, when he could tell I was severely depressed, he actually gave me a hug. I froze. I didn’t dare even breathe, it was so special to me. I started staying later after classes, hanging around more, heading past his portable after school, etc. Sometimes he would be there. We would talk. If I was extremely lucky, maybe we’d be heading out of the portable at the same time and maybe he’d pat my back or something as I left. It was everything completely innocent in every way and it meant the whole, entire world to me.

Now, all along I was also learning to wrap myself very tightly in blankets for the pressure sensations I needed. I also would pile heavy blankets on my bed. I literally slept with 7 heavy blankets on my bed. I needed the pressure. This is long before a diagnosis of ANYTHING. To this day, I sleep with as much weight on me as I need, even if it means wearing very cool clothes to bed or lowering the thermostat.

Anyway, high school was better. I started getting along with my parents again. One day, I actually decided to start tucking my mom in at night, and at some point we started to hug goodnight again. My dad would let me hug him before I would leave on an airplane and upon my return. I had boyfriends who hugged me. I don’t recall ever hugging my friends still.

College years {Dear God}. There was hugging. The first year, it was all well and good. I believe I was actually re-introduced to the concept of hugging my friends. The second year, well, that doesn’t count. I had to hug the young woman I had accidentally started care taking. But outside of that, all was lost. I was starting to have a breakdown anyway (it’s complicated) but a huge part of what came up in me was a strong, strong, strong clinginess I think I will talk about in a future Topic post. (I would literally start to cry when people would leave the table after a meal, for example. But a strong desire within that was also for a hug / contact / to be held, etc.)

When I got back, and had to attend therapy twice a week, I essentially begged my therapist (who turned out to be a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE therapist and was eventually run out of town) to hug me. It had become basically the only thing I wanted in the entire world. I was only hanging on to the world by a thread at that point, and my focus had reduced to one thing: hugs. He did eventually agree to it. He was kind of fatherly, I remember that feeling. He had it on some checklist or something, to give me a hug at the start of the session. Only he kept forgetting and only would do it when once he’d start looking at his notes, so I felt like he didn’t really care. That took away some meaning for me. During this time, I spent most of the week laying on the couch in the fetal position. The only thing I could think about was waiting for my next therapy appointment, and specifically a hug.

Once I started getting better, I met people. I dated. I did also have a male friend who was HUGE into hugging. I wasn’t interested in him romantically, but I SO LOOKED FORWARD to the greeting and goodbye hugs. He was huge into hugs, hugging anyone he knew and anyone he’d met. And he was the kind of person who had that enveloping, safety, comforting sort of hug. It’s so hard to type all of this out but why be ashamed of it? It’s all I lived for at times.

Even now, when I came here after my divorce and mental breakdown leading up to it, it was my uncle’s welcoming hug that seemed most vital. When he asked what could he do to help with my depression, I told him a two hour hug every day would do the trick. Of course that hasn’t happened, but he didn’t ever mind if I said I needed a hug. When my therapist asked, after several weeks of therapy with her, why I was feeling more stable, I was too embarrassed to say the entire truth. I said, I was feeling more secure…that I could stay here for now. Really the sentence was, I was feeling more secure that I can have a hug when I need one.

If these feelings are “wrong” or shameful or embarrassing… It really doesn’t matter. It’s me. It’s a part of me. It’s one of the central, core motivators in my life. It’s life blood. It’s the air I breathe.

And I’m very damned sure that a whole ton of people right now, at this very second, could really, really use a hug.

Downward: Feelings of Self-injury (Topic#012)(Journal#002)

Moon and star

Moon and star

I deleted my last bit regarding anxiety. But I’m going to document this because I presently have the urge to injure myself.

So what happened is I’ve been feeling alienated from person, like I’ve said, because of my jealousy issues. And have been pretty up-down all weekend. Today was up til I got home and was face to face with a raised voice, which started my anxiety but I deleted all that. So now, with him doing his own thing, I came up and gave him a hug (I’m going to write a topic on me and hugs someday). And then he does try to reach out for a moment, and ask me what’s wrong, but I’m low and I made a noncommittal noise and shrug like, “I don’t know.” So he leaves. Literally leaves to go shopping. I don’t even know if I could have gone too. So now I’m crying and the burning sensation is back. (He’s told me before that he doesn’t have time to wait. If he asks and I don’t answer, he’s going to keep moving.) Nobody is responsible for the way I feel but myself. (And somewhere in there, that topic came up again, too.)

I’m not going to cut. I’m just documenting. I want to understand this so I can stop it in the future.

I need friends. I feel so alone and misunderstood.

FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, I’M NOT GOING TO USE THIS AS A JOURNAL. I will do topic posts. Goal posts will be okay, too.